Star Magazine Cover, Britney Spears

Star Magazine

Dear Ted:
Is Britney Spears Strippa Rip-ya? I just read reports that her sleazy-looking boyfriend is beating her.

Dear Nice Shot:
Man, is everyone jumping the gun with these recent reports about Brit getting the beat down from her agent-turned-bf Jason Trawick Her camp calls the tale total fiction—didn't you hear?—and plans to take legal action. Come on now, Star reports then Radar follows with supposed audio of Britney spilling the beans to her ex-husband (of 55 hours) Jason Alexander. That voice is believable (even though it's not), but we'll just sit back and continue to watch those reps shut this one down all the same. As for Brit having shady personal moments? Sure. But being Strippa Rip-ya, that's a no. Not a bad guess, though. Still, this whole Star story ain't happening.

Dear Ted:
Instead of outing Eva Longoria's Blind Vice, I think you should seriously consider revealing 50 Cent's Blind Vice. He's been doing the world a whole lot more bad than good lately with his homophobic comments—which surely doesn't help with the African-American community's general homophobia—and his ego definitely needs to be taken down a few notches, no matter how scandalous his Vice may be. Every time a big, influential celebrity like 50 Cent insults the gay community, handfuls of gay people go back further in the closet. His reveal would be incredibly beneficial to, well, everyone! Please consider it!

Dear Nice Try:
Sorry, 50's practically outing himself with all this over-the-top chick-banging talk. It's pathetic.

Dear Ted:
OK, you big tease. Stop strutting around with your know-it-all 'tude and dish up the now! I'm speaking, of course, about the Robsten lust, I mean love, l timeline. I think I'm unlike many of your fans when it comes to that topic. I don't believe for a second that Rob and Kristen waited to be free and single before they "explored" their feelings. Where do they rank on the naughty scale Ted?

Dear LoveLine:
Let's just say between the two of them, they're quite the pair of heartbreakers. The bad blood with all exes involved and former hook ups wasn't too bad, though; they all get along now, don't they? Vice-wise, they may be off the naughty charts.

Dear Ted:
Does Jessica Simpson's Blind Vice have anything to do with her spat with ex-BFF Ken Paves? If not, what happened?

Dear Simply Simpson:
Nope. Well not really, to be fair. Jess stars way-solo in her Vice, but what she's keeping secret might turn her from a BFF to a BFFH (that's Best Friend From Hell, for those not up on the latest internet lingo).

Dear Ted:
So what do you think: Is Marky Sweet-Puss actually a pretty good actor? Or is he for real?

Dear Puss Plaster:
You mean when it comes to looking happy in his home life? Sure, he's a damn good actor. But not professionally—who ever said he's an actor at all, 'K?

Dear Ted:
I have a few guesses on Blind Vices. I am thinking that Priscilla and Parrish are Ashley Greene and Joe Jonas. Also thinking that Stud Bucket and Roxy are the Smiths...Will and Jada to be exact. Still thinking Nicholas Cage is Toothy Tile. I am way tired. Had a rough day with my 15 year old mutt baby who is not doing so hot. Thought I would make a few guesses before I sign off for the night! Thanks for your time and attention.

Dear Kinda Hot, Kinda Not:
Sorry about your pup, babe! Hope things get better soon. As for your guesses, one is very good, the rest are completely wrong. Like way wrong—but creative, I guess. Margo and Charlie send wet kisses to your sweetie.

Dear Ted:
Thanks for finally answering a JJO/DDD for their rapid fans. Let's keep the momentum going—Do you think DDD knows about JJO hitting the sheets with women? Would he be surprised or is he also guilty of such behavior? The original JJO Blind Vice came out (no pun intended) nearly two years ago. The chances of these two still trying for a relationship is zero to none. Just look at JJO 's track record: he's a liar, a cheat and a slut. Why would DDO want back in a relaysh that by all accounts is doomed to fail?

Dear Jerked Off Again:
Yes. No. And DDO still takes him back after everything because...well, I don't know. He's stupid and the sex is fantastic?

Dear Ted:
Is Veronica Bee-Stings married, single, or dating?

Dear Honey Comb:
Veronica gets around. In that way, she's not so much tied down.

Dear Ted:
You talk about Alexander Skarsgard playing the fame game and how it's hurt his likeability, however you still gush your love for Joe Manganiello who is now constantly photographed everywhere he goes, and his lady love always popping up in the photos. Double standard? Or is it just because Alex looks pissed to see the cameras. Isn't it possible that the Viking just happens to be quite into a famewhore of a girlfriend who has sucked him (no pun intended) reluctantly into the limelight? I mean, there's always rumors of Kate having the paps on speed dial, and you can't always help who you fall for...

Dear Limelight Loser:
Different fame game, really. Joe is riding his washboard abs to Hollywood glory, otherwise you don't see (or hear) much from him. Alex on the other hand is failing at all the typical PR stunts. Shame too, he was doing well for himself before he started trying so hard.

Dear Ted:
Does Russell Brand have a BV? I'm sure he must...

Dear Brand New Blind:
You think he really told all his dirty secrets in those (amazing) books he wrote? Ha! Once a Vicer always a Vicer, that's what I say.

Dear Ted:
Have you heard the Darren Criss/Chris Kolfer version of "Baby It's Cold Outside" on the Glee Christmas album yet? It's my new obsession—Darren's voice fits perfectly with the seductive lyrics he sings. Yummy! Thoughts? Better yet, any goss on the newest Glee hottie? My rescue dog Libby sends kisses!

Dear Criss-Crossed:
Haven't heard it yet—I don't like getting my Glee tunes spoiled! But I'm sure it's lovely, Darren has a fab voice. And he's pretty damn delish himself. Real friendly guy, he's going to do well in this long as he doesn't get bitten by the fame bug like some other Glee kiddos.

Dear Ted:
I'm totally against abuse and keeping quiet so I really want to figure out who Strippa Rip-Ya is. Pop diva or ragin' rock star? Love you and your column!
—Mary Jane

Dear Ya Ya Sisterhood:
Pop diva definitely. And she knows it.

Dear Ted:
Just wanted to tweak you a bit on your erroneous take on the Twilight fans. What you and others in the world of gossip and critics never understood is that the misperception of the Twilight fans is that we are majority teens. Not so. This is why the honeymoon is going to be hotter than you think. Didn't you watch Oprah? Did you see her audience? Look at it again. If you saw a bunch of teens screaming, I recommend an eye checkup. Twilight fans are much older than you all think. Always have been. The teens just get the cameras put in their faces. So, don't think for one minute Summit isn't going to push that PG-13 rating for all it's worth. It's not about the teens anymore, babe. This one is for the big girls. Summit does know what side its bread is buttered on and we can't wait to eat it.

Dear Family Tragedy:
Sorry, this says much more about your husbands and wives than you and your daughters.

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