Jennifer Aniston

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Dear Ted:
Why does it seem that Jennifer Aniston dates "men" with confusion issues (I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, Ted)? Is it that she's not sure men are her "cup of tea," or has she given up on love all together and just doesn't care? She seems smart. She's beautiful, but at the same time, she seems to doubt herself. I guess when your husband leaves you for the town slut for the whole world to see, it can do something to your self-esteem, but he deserves to be happy, and something tells me these "men" just don't do it for her. What's your take?

Dear Gyllenspoon Syndrome:
Jen is very much into men, but she's also into her margaritas, friends, tans, cigs and career way more. I think the whole family thing just ain't her schtick. Obviously. It's just that "America's Sweetheart" can't say that. Or can she? Do it, babe!

Dear Ted:
Am I the only one who sees this Jake Gyllenhaal-Reese Witherspoon breakup thing as a way to get some publicity? Doesn't he have a whole slew of movies coming out soon? Maybe I'm too cynical for a 19-year-old; it just seems a little suspicious to me. Hit me back, you sexy bitch!

Dear Opposites Attract:
Actually, practically the only reason they were together was along the lines of publicity. No, breaking up was not part of Reese's plan. This one went awry. What, did Reese get jealous Natalie Portman was sharing Jake's secret recipes for distressed hair?

Dear Ted:
After slamming Nicole Kidman for her domestic violence crusading in light of her body guard's violent antics, how do you feel about the view that the Twilight franchise, particularly New Moon, depicts an unhealthy, abusive relationship as the "romantic ideal?"

Dear Pissed:
I've never been a supporter of what the moralistic, Mormon-inspired Twilight saga says about love and sex—and I've said so, many times. To me, it's all about Robsten, who are clear getters of irony.

Dear Ted:
Please tell me it's not true! Did Britney Spears propose to her manager boyfriend and get rejected? What is it with this girl? When is she gonna learn? Any chance of a Spears-Timberlake romance again?

Dear Glory Days:
Oh, honey I am so with you. Justin and Britney are destined to be together. He holds a grudge, though, so just not sure it can happen. But if Sienna and Jude are figuring it out, maybe—just maybe—there's hope for our fave pop royalty couple, after all. 

Dear Ted:
I recently transplanted to a small country in Africa where I'm working in a hospital, and it's been emotionally draining...but your column is one of the bright spots of my day (when the unreliable Internet is working). Since moving here, I've discovered that homosexuality is illegal in the country where I'm living and punishable by imprisonment, which is shocking to me. There is still much work that needs to be done to expand gay rights across the globe. And I'm sure I'm already preaching to the choir when I say that abstinence-only sex ed is ludicrous, particularly in this setting where entire generations of people are dying from AIDS. Now for my questions: Was Gwyneth Paltrow, aka Fishstick, ever a Blind Vice? And which old Blind Vice has really changed his or her tune and is now totally different than who he or she was when the B.V. was written? Except Pixie Mixie, of course.

Dear Saint Snoop:
First, congrats on your good work, and couldn't agree more with ya regarding gay rights and educating against sexually transmitted diseases; the topics really need to get out there more and into our public awareness. Answers: Yes, ages ago, and there is no one else besides Pixie Mixie.

Dear Ted:
This Tiger Woods drama has really shocked me. I get the arrogance and "douchiness" of a Michael Jordan or Alex Rodriguez...They just seem like horndogs, and the way fans idolize them just makes it worse. But Tiger Woods? He's one of the last athletes I would have expected this from. Maybe it's his wholesome look, or the way he stays out of the spotlight. How long has this been going on? Are there other star athletes who seem like the perfect role-model who would shock the heck out of us? If so, who? Thanks
A disappointed fan.

Dear Men Are Men:
Sorry, but if you get involved with one of the most famous and good-looking athletes ever, you have to know what you're getting into. I'm hardly saying what Tiger did was OK, but it's the same story, different day. Hot horny guy always on the road with hundreds of sluts throwing themselves at him? Of course he'd gonna bite.

Dear Ted:
So I've seen this interview of the "Cullen family" from PopSugar. They were asked which one of them resembles his/her character the most. Without any kind of hesitation, Nikki Reed said, "I resemble Rosalie mostly." That's like saying, "I'm a stupid bitch, and I'm as jealous as possible of Kristen." Also, she says she most liked the voting scene, in which Rose says no to Bella becoming a vampire. Odd!

Dear Jump the Gun:
Not sure I totally drew that conclusion from it all.

Dear Ted:
Is there really any way for Toothy Tile to come out at this point, after the big show he's put on with his beard for the last few years? What could he even say to the public without making himself look ridiculous and making his "Type A" beard look worse? I'm all for people being true to themselves, but I was wondering your thoughts on the ramifications of such a big reveal.

Dear Funny You Ask:
There's a lot to report on good ol' Toothy. Expect it shortly.

Dear Ted:
What's going on with Jennifer Garner? She's looking skeletal lately. Could it be a breakup diet or a new role?

Dear Grumpy Garner:
Please, she's probably too busy being miserable and cold that she forgets she needs to open her mouth not just to yell, but to eat, too.

Dear Ted:
I have noticed that after some time, the most unreal rumors turn up to be true. Take Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt hooking up in Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Rob and Kristen, Zac and Vanessa Hudgens and so on. Why do you think they try so hard to keep it a secret if they know the reality will come out sooner or later? And if every rumor is true, should we start believing every gossip site out there? Is actually every rumor in Hollywood based on reality?

Dear Hold the Phone:
There are plenty rumors out there that aren't true—let's not get hasty. As for costar hookups, more often than not those aren't pulled outta thin air. The celebs are under a false notion they can keep it hushed up, but their fellow cast and crewmembers love gossip as much as we do! 

Dear Ted:
Do you ever put any of your own questions into your Bitch-Backs so that you can give more specific hints or clues?

Dear Nice Try:
Absolutely not. Parade, we're not.

Dear Ted:
Am I wrong? Jennifer Aniston does not strike me as a good girl with bad luck in love. In fact, she seems like the opposite because she chooses these arrogant bad-boy types with a whole lot of attitude like John Mayer, Vince Vaughn and yes, Brad Pitt. Does Jen share certain habits that make her attracted to these jerks, or does she simply share their bad attitude? Thanks!

Dear Good Question:
Much like Reese and Jake, these men are just pawns to keep her relevant. She doesn't want to be seen as the lonely girl, so she goes out with guys she knows will never be anything more than just fun.

Dear Ted:
Agree...I checked today. Reese is no longer friends with Mama Gyllenhaal.

Dear Too Funny:
I checked...and you're right! I'll keep her real F.B. name private 'cause I'm in a good mood.

Dear Ted:
I'm starting to see a lot more pics of Ben Affleck looking very down in the dumps. Other than his fabulous marriage (please grab the sarcasm and run with it), would there be another reason for that handsome hunk to go gloomy? Care to share?

Dear Well:
If you're married to a piece of work like Garner it's hard to look on the bright side all the time. I'd say those marital problems are the most of his worries.

Dear Ted:
Loved your Thanksgiving Truth, Lies & Ted. You outdid yourself with the hat. Anyway, just reading your story about Ryan Kwanten. I know he's a little older than our K.Stew, but I'd sure like to see that one happen. They would be hot...maybe on True Blood or any movie together. What's your thought on that one? Do you think he'd eat her up, or is she not his type? I think she has enough fight in her that she could take him down. They are a pair made in heaven.

Dear Anti-Robsten:
Nah, he's way too classically cute for her. And thanks!


For more of Ted's bitchin', head on over to our Bitch-Back section.


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