Jess to the Rescue!

Jessica Simpson pulls off an amazing, late-night Hollywood Good Samaritan deed, while you nasty-butt, heathen readers more than make up for such booby benevolence. Ready to skim the less kind, more raunchy ones? Thought so...

Serious actress Jessica Simpson is back in town after wrapping Major Movie Star, another one of the Texan-born babe’s cinematic efforts, due out sometime before or after Blonde Ambition. We’re kinda glad to see the tuna basher, too, as the party scene has been kind of dead without Lindsay and Paris painting the pooped town. Saturday night, Jess hit Hyde. It shoulda been Lindz, but it wasn’t. Instead, Ms. Es, along with her former assistant, Cacee Cobb, and Donald Faison, turned up to get people drunk on celebrity, grade not important, really.

Now, here’s a tale of why Jess will never reach the megawattage level of a Spears or a Lohan (or even a de Rossi): The bitch was not only born in Abilene, she’s nice. See, as the Simpson threesome—and we don’t mean anything overly dirty here—was approaching the velvet ropes, a few nonfamous types were having heaps o' trouble getting into Hyde. “Whose list are you on?” the doorman demanded of the little peeps, snooty as constipated tea-sippers at Neiman Marcus. No one’s, it turned out.

So, like an extension-wearing fairy godmother, Simpson, née the Mother Teresa of the club set, took pity on the plebeians and let them join her group to get inside the still-happenin’ (for about two more secs) hang. Now, there’s some southern hospitality for ya! But we all know sis Ashlee woulda left the waiting commoners dry in their nonfamous dust, laughing, too, most likely, as she and Pete pranced perf right on by. 

Oh, also the grateful sudden BFFs to Jess tried to buy the blondie-hon, Donald, Cacee & Co. a round of drinks as a thank-you, but the celebrated group had bottle service at their front and center table and waved off the offer. Wonder what’s got J. Simpson in such a generous mood these days? Not getting pissed on by her lover anymore, so to speak? For just as potentially stinky sitches, do read on, by all means: 

Dear Ted:
I used to love your column, but lately you have become an out and out (totally intended) asshole. Whatever is going on with you, you need to take a break and check yourself.
  Tiffany
  Los Angeles

Dear Bitch Police:
Well, darlin’, if this is what falling in love does for me, would hate to see what would happen if I went all K-Fed and Brit-Brit on my b-f, so no thanks.

Dear Ted:
Robert Rodriguez left his wife for an actress. That's it. His responsibility. It's not the smartest thing, perhaps, that Rose McGowan is doing, but she didn't break any promises or deals, she didn't steal anybody.
  Ágústa

Dear Wife Swat:
True. My point was not to so much the partner switching, but the hiding it from the public for so long, so poorly. Robert and Rose made Brad and Angelina look pic-perfect, PR-wise.

Dear Ted:
I was both fascinated and horrified to see Ellen DeGeneres' sobfest re her hairdresser’s dog being taken back by the pet shelter. I understand the shelter’s position regarding the breach of contract—but at the end of the day, the placement of the dog in a nice home is the goal, right?
  Chris
  Albany, New York

Dear Right On:
Yep, which is why it’s crucial to follow the shelter’s policy of returning the pooch if you don’t keep it. Otherwise, you’re saying it's okay to pass canines from owner to owner—a potentially disastrous sitch for the critters.

Dear Ted:
Is it true Angelina Jolie is bi? You only hear her talk about other women, but you never really see her with one.
  Jennifer
  Chicago

Dear Curious:
What do you call Brad Pitt these days?

Dear Ted:
Loved the “Who’s Effin’ Whom” column. Everyone seems to be out and about, enjoying the beautiful fall weather. Is Ben Affleck too obvious a guess for One Lamentable Blind Vice? I’m addicTED to the Awful Truth!
  Kari
  Minneapolis

Dear Outtie:
Are you calling me a dic, sweetie? Not sure there, but thanks, just the same—and no go on Benny-boy for the dude who wishes he had come outta the closet. Think far less of a multitasker but just as questionable hair.

Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile Hugh Jackman? I received some blind items on him that knocked my thong right off!
  Barbara T.
  Australia

Dear Det. Down Under:
You mean the one where he trades bras with his gorgeous gonzo wife, Deborra-Lee Furness? Kidding! Anyways, ain’t H.J., though a most excellent hunch, doll-puss. Think less established by a bit.

Dear Ted:
As to the Britney Spears query regarding whether too many kids too soon makes you crackers, instead try asking if having children makes you crackers? Sometimes, it's not a good thing to reproduce yourself. People should look in the mirror and ask themselves, does the world need another you?
  G.R.
  San Luis Obispo, California

Dear Good One:
Why didn’t George H.W. Bush do as you suggest?

Dear Ted:
Who is the most intelligent celebrity you have ever interviewed? Which one is the biggest bore? Beijos.
  Marcia
  São Paulo, Brazil

Dear Brazilian Ba-Ba Walters:
Bill Clinton for the first, and the cast of Everybody Loves Raymond for the second.

Dear Ted:
Who is Corny Beefy from One Lamentable Blind Vice? Who is Toothy Tile? Are they the same person? It's driving me crazy that I can't figure it out. Please help!
  Ashley
  Austin, Texas

Dear Austin City Loony:
No, no, no and no! Now, had you not been from Texas...

Dear Ted:
You are so right on Rose McGowan and Robert Rodriguez. However, you are so not right on Reese and Ryan getting back together. I think Jake still has a chance, though. Also, I saw you on Chelsea Lately...why so mum on Tori Spelling?
  Annei
  Brooklyn

Dear Brooklyn Bouillabaisse:
First, never said R 'n' R getting back, fer sure, just said they were both trying to see about another chance, nothing def (doesn’t look good, obvs). No comment on Jake. And Tori? Yeah, I like her. So, slap me.

Dear Ted:
Why hasn't Matthew Perry settled down (publicly) with anyone? Is he gay?
  Angie
  Huntsville, Alabama

Dear Southern Snooper:
Not that I'm aware. And I know this may come as a great shock, but I am not the authority on who’s a fairy, and who’s not, in Tinseltown. Why don’t you try Jennifer Aniston, hear she loves the gays.

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile's gotta be Ricky Martin. I bet he gets more rod than a welder!
  Jenn
  St. John’s, Newfoundland, Canada

Dear White-Hot:
Good hunch, but alas (and I believe I’ve discounted R.M. a few times before, babe-cakes), not the man-lovin’ machine that is our beloved Tooth. Think somebody with a little less juicy junk in his trunk.

Dear Ted:
After having seen recent pics of Val Kilmer, could he possibly be Corny Beefy?
  Trish
  St. Paul, Minnesota

Dear Gay Gumshoe:
Another quite good shot, my Twin City chica! Alas, ain’t the once highly doable Kilmer, think somewhat similar franchise, though.

Dear Ted:
If Lindsay Lohan gets an “accountabili-buddy,” shouldn't Paris Hilton get an “intelli-buddy”? Can Ms. Hilton really be as dim as she seems, or is there a calculating mind behind that vapid face?
  Judy
  Garland, Texas

Dear What a Name:
No one is who they seem out here. No one.

Dear Ted:
Who is Kim Kardashian, and why does she now have her own show? Because she has a big butt? I have a big butt, too, can I get my own show?
  Finona
  Burlington, Vermont

Dear Jealous:
Sure, but let’s see what you can do with a stripper pole and princess complex first.

Dear Ted:
What's up with Pam Anderson? When I saw her on Ellen, I thought she was pretending to be clueless. Now, I'm beginning to think that’s her true nature. She's no different from Britney and Paris.
  Donna
  Corona, New York

Dear She Ain't Dumb:
Pam was hoping you’d say that. See, you’re asking about the broad, it’s all Pam really wants, in the end, besides Mr. Salomon. Uh-oh, maybe she is dense.

Dear Ted:
Corny Beefy = William Baldwin?
  Sheri
  Orlando, Florida

Dear Not Far Off:
Nope, but conjure up more hair, less (currently) worked out boobs and butt. Another excellente guess, though—you ferreters are so there this week, love it!

Dear Ted:
I was wondering: Why are people so obsessed with celebs?
  Michelle
  Richmond, Virginia

Dear Duh:
Same reason you’re obsessed with those who are so obsessed.