Spare the Crack, Save the Sinner!

Oh, homo heavens! Which Blind Vice babe’s crying over never coming out, and which Whitney Houston pro spinmeister is now stepping in to help salvage Britney Spears? Yo, and who’s that renegade chica who’s suddenly gettin’ all hot ‘n’ silent on rabble-rouser Paris? Might be surprised…

Hallelujah! Britney has not—it appears—been left out in the heartless cold by those who make millions off her bulging (and, we say, delicious) ass.

And before we get to further saliva scuttlebutt on Brangelina, let’s check in on two infamous types the world’s been so hot on watching combust before our very gossipy eyes: Whitney Houston and B. Spears. Both seen-and-abused-it-all hons are currently re-re-regrouping themselves for supposedly “major” comebacks. Whitney’s looks infinitely better, at this early stage, only because, when compared with Britney’s VMA comatose jigglefest, even my Aunt Martha from Texas would look Celine Dion-esque. (Actually, with that hairdo, she kinda does...)

Good news and gooder news: A mucho loyal friend to the Awful Truth has not only listened to early tracks from Whitney’s upcoming effort (which still has no release date), he’s also seen a Spears video that music legend Clive Davis himself is supervising for Britney’s album, Blackout, due out later this month.

“Both [efforts] are hot, really good, very different from what’s [being said] out there about both women right now,” insists Desk Damaged Diva, who informs us Davis is working even more closely with Spears than he is with Houston. S'pose this is a shocker, and not. After all, hasn’t most everyone else abandoned the wacky Brit-broad right now, professionally and personally speaking, mamacita Lynne notwithstanding?

Also, anybody who’s seen Brit-Brit’s hideous “Gimme More” video—which looks like it was shot on the discarded sets from Wayne’s World, with a pole-schtupping Dana Carvey substituting for Britney—knows that was not a good thing. At all.

“Clive obviously got control of things,” added the music mole, referring to the train-wrecked honey’s hideous “More” shoot. “This is what Britney should be like.”

Really? What’s that, we wonder, at this desultory point? Yeah, it’s superfab 'n' all that top dawg Clive is taking such a hands-on approach to Ms. S, but how in the hell can you bring back a babe who just wants to go to Starbucks, seemingly out of her gourd, all the time?

We pity Clive’s desperate mission.

Exec P.S.: When culling musical biggies, we here at Awful asked who’s got it harder for a pop reinvention, Brit or Whit? Hands-down answer: “Whitney.” Why? “Because the market’s changed—completely,” was the most common response/refrain we listened to.

Now, Britney, please do not get carried away with this leg-up news. Watch your back, g-f. Next thing you know, Sarah Silverman’s opening the Grammys with a Whitney-skewering rant, to be immediately followed by Whitney herself eating everybody else alive with the performance of her life.

Then who’s gonna have a rehabbed leg up?

Pandering P.P.S.: Oh, and just wait til Monday’s column, when we’ve got Pharrell basically saying all us heathen reporters are going to be burning in tabloid hell for reporting on the woman’s straight-from-Hades doings (like we forced the idiot Spears to peel off her panties everywhere?).

“You guys are gonna feel like shit!” P warns, all karma crazy. Now, look here, you finger-shaker in a Pepto Bismol pink hoodie! We’re the first to say Silverman and her ilk went too far, but don’t you dare go blaming B.S.’s derailing on those documenting it. You smokin’ somethin’ Whitney claims she never did?

Depending on which weekly rag you read, Brad and Angelina are either stronger than evah, or they have a one-way ticket to Splitsville. Here in Awfulville, we tend to think the truth lies somewhere in the middle and that the twosome are fairly happy together (for now, kinda). Certainly seemed that way when Ange came to visit Brad on the set of Burn After Reading recently in New Yawk.

“They were affectionate and playing with the kids, being a normal, happy family,” quasi-dishes an on-set source. Brangelina were spotted having a semi-PDA smooch sesh behind a tree during Brad’s downtime. Oh, whatev. Doesn’t exactly compare to that hot trailer action we talked about between these two way back when, huh?

And certainly doesn’t reek of Brad screaming to his more bodalicious buds how A.J. has been “the best sex” he’s ever had in his life. Ah, but even supergods must eventually have their nooky comedown after awhile, we would imagine. But will it go back up? Prolly (only to eventually go completely kaput, mark our crystal connubial ball).

According to not at all discreet onlookers, Ms. J looked unsurprisingly gorgeous and still very thin but not as scary skinny as she did for awhile. Ange also brought Maddox and Zahara along to visit Papa Pitt, and the foursome were playing catch and rolling around on the grass together. Hmmm. Wonder if that was the reason for the more restrained affection? Oh, whom are we kidding here? The only thing that woman embarks on halfway is sexual orientation.

Stopped by the Kardashian do at the Pacific Design Center. The Bentley brood is embarking on some primo family therapy, what with their new buckslicious E! job, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, premiering this Sunday night, 10:30. Chelsea Handler and our own Hollywood Party Girl were on hand for impressive en famille bum kissing—us, too, sugar-dolls! And what with that wicked Vanity Fair exposé out on celeb mamas Kathy Hilton, Lynne Spears and Dina Lohan, we just had to ask mom of gossutante Kim whether she felt the mothers of these gonzo gals were being unfairly taken to task, while the dads get a friggin’ free ride.

“I don’t know,” Kris Jenner (spouse to Bruce Jenner, natch), all bangs and spangles, sighed, when she blabbed what good amigas she is with Kathy. “All I know is that we did a damn good job raising our daughters.” Kris went on to say how prideful, too, she is that Kim doesn’t smoke, drink or do drugs—she just does reality TV.

Step-papa Bruce, the Olympic legend, was busy making fun of himself—so, 'course, we liked him immediately, and not simply because B.J. appeared half-naked in the legendarily unwatchable must-see movie of all time, Can’t Stop the Music, the pseudo-autobiography of the Village People. “I’m gonna have to stop giving Lionel Richie a hard time for living off his daughter now,” Jenner bellowed. Now, this is a reality family we wanna tune in to. Self-deprecation and denial, what more could one want for episodic addiction? Count us in!

But don’t rely on Kim, the curvy star, to be the outspoken one. When we asked the infamous booty shaker to compare her pole-writhing abilities with that of former BFF Paris, Kim demurred. “I’m not answering that," she replied, with a sly smirk infinitely more wicked than our question. She’s no fool.

Let’s see, who’s left in Hollywood who could possibly be gay? Well, somebody who’s taken huge pains to appear not so, and now he very much regrets it—don’t tell the wife and kids, for it’s Blind Vice Friday!