Paramount may not be happy, but we sure as hell are.
The Wrap has leaked a very interesting email detailing the studio's on-deck developments. Some ridiculous celebrity fare is about to hit the movie theater (um, really, Baywatch), and it ain't pretty.
Reps for Paramount defend that it's not completely accurate (others tell us, well, it pretty much is). And while some of the projects mentioned are totally delicious, others are making us totally cringe:
Here's a little peek at what we think are the gag-worthy highlights of the leaked email:
7 Minutes in Heaven
What It Is: J.J. Abrams thriller; two teens go into a closet and come out to find all their friends dead.
What It Violates: Your entire young adulthood. And the chances that you'll ever play that game again.
Seth Rogen and Barbra Streisand
What It Is: Both stars are finishing up their deals for a film called My Mother's Curse.
What It Violates: The sacred decades that separate the two. And it's a bitch-slap to all the young folks who watched Funny People and have never heard of Funny Girl, or who think that Barbra's best movie role is in Meet the Fockers.
G.I. Joe 2
What It Is: A follow-up to 2009's G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
What It Violates: Creativity, artistry, and the idea that good movies are still being made.
Dunderheads
What It Is: A heist movie with middle school-age children ("Ocean's 11-year-old")
What It Violates: Depends on the setting. That is, if they replace Las Vegas with Legoland and Julia Roberts with that little diva from Mad Men.
Hasbro Factory
What It Is: Night at the Museum in a toy factory
What It Violates: Night at the Museum, Toy Story and every rule about product placement that you've ever heard. This'll make Cast Away's FedEx fetish look like child's play.
License to Steal
What It Is: A $125-million action-comedy.
What It Violates: Titular dignity. The fact that a title like this is actually a possibility makes me cringe. Ranks right up there with License to Wed, License to Thrill and Phat Girlz.
Max Steel
What It Is: Taylor Lautner action flick.
What It Violates: Rob and Kristen's date night.
So. Do any look even remotely good to you? Sound off!