Bitch-Back! Stay Off the Road, Mischa!

Ted weeds out reader comments on Barton's suspicious smoke

Dear Ted:
With regard to your piece about Mischa smoking weed and whether or not we should care, generally I would say, no. We shouldn't care what this perpetually mediocre actress is doing to herself. That's for her friends and family to worry about. However, the fact that she's driving while smoking weed is another issue. When she gets behind the wheel of a car in a possibly impaired state then yes, we should care. Her careless behavior could cost dearly to other people.
—Emily

Dear Responsible Driver:
I agree 100 percent. What someone does behind closed doors is her own business, but not when she's out running over curbs (and whatever) before taking another puff. Can't wait to see how Mischa's rep spins this mess—medical marijuana for her "wisdom tooth pains," anyone?

Dear Ted:
Where are the Brangelina twins? Why are they never out with the couple and why are there never any pictures of them? What's the deal?
—F.F.

Dear Kindergarten Cop:
Brad and Ange are trying to keep the little ones out of the spotlight as long as possible. Or at least until they're a little older and more paparazzi-savvy like fierce little Zahara.

Dear Ted:
"Dating is such a hard term to define nowadays. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart certainly have set new relationship rules, and tons of Hollywood babes are blurring the line between full-on couple and occasional fun buddies." What are you trying to tell us? They are just f--k buddies? So this means you lied to us because you always said, "They are the real deal." Can you please explain it to us?
—Ted

Dear Friends With Benefits:
Don't bust out your I Hate Ted T-shirts yet. The f--k buddies comment, as you so elegantly put it, was more in reference to Jen and Ger than K.Stew and R.Pattz. All I meant was that Robsten are a very modern couple, so big-time movie careers play a factor in figuring out the relationship. It's an unavoidable fact.

Dear Ted:
Regarding all the Eclispe "leaked" photos, how is this possible? Are they really leaked, doesn't the studio know who is responsible for leaking them? What actions are taken? Or are the studio suits just playing with us...
—Lisa

Dear Plug the Hole:
Leaked in Hollywood has a very loose definition. Don't expect Summit to call up their lawyers anytime soon; they're too busy celebrating the positive feedback from the photos after the storm of crap they got from New Moon.

Dear Ted:
Are people really so stupid they just no longer get a joke if there's not a laugh track or someone informing them it's a joke? They seriously don't get that a young man like Robert Pattinson might be joking when he says he's "allergic to vaginas"? People are idiots. Just idiots.
—B

Dear Sense of Humor:
And the one laughing the loudest after this whole mess is Rob himself, that's my favorite part.

Dear Ted:
I noticed you've decided to strongly defend Danneel Harris, and I think it's great, but I also think you don't realize how much the fans who entertain the idea of some sexual link between the J's are daily bashed and mocked. The only place to express their ideas and fantasies used to be on your boards anonymously (anyone daring to post something about Jackles' love with their real identity received hate messages after). I'm not giving excuses for the D.H.'s hate, far from it, but some people who feel constantly ashamed because of their belief of a happy ending or hot sex between the boys might express their frustration toward the person who represents those who are harassing them.
—T

Dear Jackles Exposed:
I said Danneel was a smart (and sexy) gal, but I didn't say you Jackle fans had to stop blabbing about that potential brotherly love. Who could help but to picture those studs shacking up? I couldn't, that's for sure.

Dear Ted:
Are Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson, Secretia and Chester?
—Julie

Dear Swinging Scarlett:
Nope, but you're definitely in the right sexiness ballpark. And Ryan's athleticism is dead-on.

Dear Ted:
Are you really serious with this "Everybody Hates Danneel" crap? There are far more people out there who love (or at the very least pretend to love) her than there are those who give her grief. You do know that the more you tell someone not to do something the more they want to do it, right? And maybe there are reasons why people don't like her besides who she's engaged to. I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish here.
—Ray

Dear Harried Harris Hater:
Maybe the haters are just far more vocal than the fans then. But I'm intrigued: What are your reasons for hating D.H. besides Jensen? Teach me.

Dear Ted:
Why don't you give us a Blind Vice about yourself! If you have already, give us a hint to your pseudoname. Maybe something that explains why you married and then divorced within weeks. Huh?
—Keith

Dear Nosy:
I've already made my B.V. debut.

Dear Ted:
This Twilight thing is becoming a bit much. I check your blolum everyday and really look forward to your B.B., but I cannot stand to read hundreds of pointless Robsten comments. The other day for example, there were no Robsten questions in the B.B., yet they posted anyway. They take over everyday, and I can no longer stand it. Can you make a Twilight section to let these Twi-hards go crazy and leave the B.B. boards to those of us who are interested in B.V.s and other celebrity gossip? I know that lots of people don't even bother posting because they know the board will become overtaken with Robsten crazies. Can you please try and fix this?
—A

Dear Removing Robsten:
Robsten fans love bitchin' about the couple, so good luck keeping their traps shut. The boards are yours. If enough people are totally sick of Twilight, sound off and maybe the talk of K.Stew and R.Pattz will die down...but that will happen at about the same time Taylor Swift wins an Oscar.

Dear Ted:
Give us some more gossip on The Vampire Diaries boys. That Paul Wesley is yummo!
—C

Dear Likes It Bloody:
How can I put this? You know that old casting-couch cliché? Applies more to the dudes than the chicks on this fab baby.

Dear Ted:
When you're done sucking Harris' toes, will you give us some Jackles news? Or do we have to search for it elsewhere?
—S.M.

Dear Kinky:
I guess I don't have to worry about putting my own foot in my mouth when I've got Danneel's to do it for me.

Dear Ted:
How's Owen Wilson doing these days? Don't hear much about him lately; hope that means he's doing well.
—Jen

Dear Wilson Wondering:
Much, much better than he was before his accident, of that I can assure you.

Dear Ted:
What are these "new rules" that Rob and Kristen have made? Because honestly, for as much as I know, they are quirky and different; their relationship looks like an ordinary, serious, committed relationship to me.
—C.C.

Dear New Age:
I think many people forget Rob and Kristen are barely adults, so while the blogosphere is waiting for wedding bells, these two kids are just trying to have fun and put out successful movies. Is that a crime or something?

Dear Ted:
Mischa Barton can smoke pot until her lungs shrivel into diseased raisins for all I care. But not behind the wheel of a car! That's a great way for some innocent person driving on the same road to wind up dead.
—Marge

Dear Ganja Gone:
You're telling me. L.A. traffic is already hell; we don't need another dumbass making the roads dangerous for everyone. Drunken driving, driving when high...What's the difference? It's all way too risky and seriously stupid.

Dear Ted:
Suddenly I'm wondering if you are some kind of pod person. You have spent months saying Jackles' relationships are fake and that there is no way either of them will get married to anyone other than each other, and now you seem to have completely changed your stance, at least in regard to Jensen and Danneel. Are you that hard-up for an invite to a wedding?
—R

Dear I Confess:
Yes, I am a pod person; it's time the world knew. But no, I'm not hard-up for the invite. It's all Taryn Ryder's fault. She insisted I be all nicey with Danneel and Jensen so she could go to their wedding as my date. There, I said it.

Dear Ted:
I was wondering if Toothy Tile has ever appeared on Oprah?
—R.J.

Dear Toooooothy Tiiiiile:
With all the people the daytime diva has chatted with, would that even narrow it down for you? Narrow it down better, baby!