Bitch-Back! Is Megan Fox Hunting Rob Pattz?

The Bachelor and Rachael Ray are both annoying

Dear Ted:
The Bachelor is all scripted! They all knew it was in their contract. The show is so boring, they tried to make it exciting with the worst of reality. Please stop insulting our intelligence. I can't believe you're feeling bad for M.
—CRAP             

Dear Withering Rose:
The Bachelor is no Hills, but the aftershow was def somewhat of a setup. Only thing is poor Melissa was kept out of the "scripting" of it all.

Dear Ted:
Please, please, please! Share the Rachael Ray's publicist's letter! Also, I know you've probably revealed it before, but what is Toothy's age range? his 20s, 30s? Tom Cruise 40s or George Clooney 40s? And given what happened to Rupert Everett's career, do you blame Toothy for staying in the closet's closet?
—GeeGee

Dear Age-Defying:
You'll get a taste of the letter in this week's Truth, Lies, & Ted. BTW, Toothy is younger than Cruise and Clooney.

Dear Ted:
Is it true that Megan Fox is after Rob Pattinson after all? I was reading Lainey's article and it said Meg was in his group partying recently. She also said Rob was having Secret Service-level security while in Vancouver to keep the nuts away. Do you know anymore?
—Joanna

Dear Fox-Trot:
I think Meg would scare the living hell out of Rob. But yes, more to come on Fox-Green later today as I'm told she isn't hunting down any men right now, including R. As for Rob, he's getting back to the grind for New Moon. I'll keep you updated if anything juicy happens up north.  

Dear Ted:
A few months ago, while waiting tables at a very hot restaurant in NYC, I overheard two tables of "foodies" talking back and forth about restaurants and chefs. One of the women disclosed to the neighboring table that she worked for "Satan." She then covered her face and shook her head as her mother stage-whispered: "She works for Rachael Ray."
—A faithful worshipper

Dear Hell's Kitchen:
And that poor babe isn't the only one apparently! Who does she think she is, a cooking Oprah? No chance.

Dear Ted:
So I liked your rant of Jakey-poo doing Damn Yankees. Is it safe to assume you're about to the edge as promised in keeping Toothy a secret? Two totally different thoughts of course!
—Hoosier Toothy

Dear Pulling Teeth:
Sorry, babe, I'll hint as much as possible, but it's up to you all to figure out Toothy Tile. For now, at least.

Dear Ted:
Let's boycott Toothy altogether. Now, James Franco on the other hand is so delish and not a college dropout, so he is so much more deserving of our attention, n'est-ce pas?
—Tarquin

Dear Frankly Franco:
Yummy indeed. And that boy is def deserved of our attention. He's already been a Blind Vice!

Dear Ted:
About Miley Cyrus: That girl is all attitude and no brains. Every time she hoses up in public, she hides behind the "I'm just a kid" ploy, but I'm guessing she's savvier than she shows. Do you think her star will continue to rise in Hollywood, or will she fizz out? I just don't get her appeal. Thanks for your always-amusing honesty on all things Hollywood.
—Bryanna

Dear Hannah Smartanna:
I wouldn't exactly say the kid is oozing brilliance, but the babe knows how to market herself (minus the creepy Vanity Fair pics). She'll stick around for a while, as long as she pulls a publicity rehab stint within the next five years.

Dear Ted:
Can't imagine starting my day without you. A while back you made a comment about the hard work it takes to keep a relationship going. Hoping life at the casa is on track and going well. Relationships do take work, but be sure to find some joy each day. Tummy rubs to Margo.
—Deb

Dear Harder With Age:
Damn right it's tough, but so worth it. I think there are a lot of people out there who have their own relaysh issues, right? It's inevitable.

—Additional reporting by Taryn Ryder