Any more testosterone tonight and a congressional hearing would have been in order.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest was named Best Movie Sunday at the 2007 MTV Movie Awards—a decidedly manly affair during which all six performance honors went to actors with Y chromosomes. Or, as King of Queens star Kevin James referred to the event before the ceremony, "the awards show where you can wear sneakers."
Also riding high on Pirates' continuing mass appeal was Johnny Depp, who scored his second Golden Popcorn for playing fey scalawag Captain Jack Sparrow.
"I'd like to thank this man," the Best Performance winner said, pointing at producer Jerry Bruckheimer, "and Disney for not firing me, because we were teetering on that for a while."
And what a history-changing move that would have been, considering Dead Man's Chest is one of only three movies to have ever cracked the $1 billion mark at the box office and the scene-stealing Depp is repeatedly singled out as the reason to sit through the five-plus hours that constitute the second and third installments of the franchise.
Equaling Pirates' two wins was the one-man audience slayer that is Sacha Baron Cohen, who shared the award for Best Kiss with Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby costar Will Ferrell, and earned Best Comedic Performance kudos for his now cult classic turn in Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.
Borat couldn't be at Universal City's Gibson Amphitheater tonight, Cohen said, because the Kazakh is currently in rehab after, unable to deal with his newfound celebrity, he suffered a breakdown during which he shaved his mustache and went on a talk show and made pro-Jew remarks.
But the absence of his alter ego didn't prevent Cohen from engaging in an all-out, rolling-around-on-the-floor makeoutfest with Ferrell, which came after the Brit accused the Blades of Glory star of kissing him five times on the set of Talladega Nights and then failing to return his calls.
"You kissed me five times, and that was just acting?" Cohen inquired, mock-outraged.
"We did five takes," Ferrell insisted.
"You asked me to move in with you," Cohen said.
"I did not ask you to move in with me!" Ferrell protested. "I said If you were in the neighborhood to stop by my house for a cup of coffee with me and my wife!"
"You kissed me five times, and you've got a wife? You're a total bitch!" Cohen exclaimed, slapping Ferrell in the face.
Cue Cohen moving in for the kill and the ensuing guy-on-guy action.
Gerard Butler, aka the loincloth-wearing King Leonidas, took home the Golden Popcorn for Best Fight for his CGI-enhanced throwdown with the Über-Immortal in the blockbuster big-screen adaptation of the Frank Miller graphic novel 300.
"I really wasn't expecting this," the Scottish actor said. "I want to give a message to the younger people out there: When you do an action movie it's really good fun to kick the s--t out of as many people as you can. I had a great time kicking ass and telling an amazing story."
And that speech was still way cleaner than Jack Nicholson's when the Oscar winner accepted the award (the first of the night) for Best Villain for his role as mob boss Frank Costello in Martin Scorsese's blood-soaked cops-and-gangsters saga The Departed.
Dane Cook, at least, caught two F-bombs in the acting icon's acceptance speech before commenting, "How s--t-faced was Jack Nicholson?" as he introduced the first of five viewer-submitted short movie spoofs.
Cook was also responsible for one of the other more awkward moments of the night as well, announcing at one point that Paris Hilton had been "so offended by Sarah Silverman's opening remarks, she checked herself into jail early."
Cut to Hilton, still sitting there—despite the fact that she definitely wasn't smiling during Silverman's crude intro.
Mike Myers was honored with the MTV Generation Award for his overall contribution to film and television, much of it in the form of one memorable comedic character after another.
"Two other people have won this award before me: Tom Cruise and Jim Carrey," Myers said. "One is a Hollywood hunk—thank you. One is a genius at comedy and drama—again, thank you. And one of us killed a drifter—sorry about that."
And to the fans at large, "You are my boss and I never forget that. Thank you!"
Although the list of winners made this year's kudosfest quite the stag party, feminine lovelies such as Jessica Biel, Mandy Moore, Cameron Diaz, Eva Mendes and Amanda Bynes were on hand to present; Rihanna and Amy Winehouse brought sexy back with their respective hit singles "Umbrella" and "Rehab" (the unofficial theme of the evening, it seemed); and, thanks to the reliably persistent raunchiness of host Sarah Silverman, this was one of the least PC—and, sadly, one of the funnier—MTV ceremonies in recent memory.
"Whenever I think of white people with Hispanic names, I think of our next presenter—Cameron Diaz," went one of those trademark Silvermanisms.
And, naturally, Hilton received her fair share of attention, considering she'll be turning herself in either tomorrow or Tuesday to start serving a 23-day jail sentence for probation violation.
"I'm really scared, but I'm ready to face my sentence," she told reporters on the red carpet—which was actually a festive pink tonight—before the show. "Even though this is a really hard time, I have my family, my friends and my fans to support me, and that's really helpful."
The only honoree not on hand to share the spotlight, actually, was eight-year-old Best Breakthrough Performance winner Jaden Smith from The Pursuit of Happyness, who, with the help of dad Will and mom Jada Pinkett Smith, turned in his thank yous via satellite.
A megamovie star in the making, perhaps.
Here's a complete rundown of the winners at the 2007 MTV Movie Awards:
- Best Movie: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
- Best Performance: Johnny Depp, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
- Best Breakthrough Performance: Jaden Smith, The Pursuit of Happyness
- Best Comedic Performance: Sacha Baron Cohen, Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
- Best Kiss: Will Ferrell and Sacha Baron Cohen, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
- Best Villain: Jack Nicholson, The Departed
- Best Fight: Gerard Butler versus the Über-Immortal, 300
- Best Summer Movie You Haven't Seen Yet: Transformers
- MTV Generation Award: Mike Myers