Touchstone Pictures; ABC/RICK ROWEWhere's Jack Shephard Sawyer when we need him? Or better yet, Bruce Willis and Ben Affleck?
After wrapping up ABC's epic serial mystery drama, Lost mastermind Damon Lindelof has found a bigger disaster to use as a canvas for another good vs. evil battle: the BP oil spill.
In a tongue and cheek post on Esquire's political blog, the producer has the perfect only-in-Hollywood solution to halting the gusher in the Gulf—bring back the boys from Michael Bay's Armageddon for another go-round.
"What we need, ladies and gentlemen, is experience. Experts who know their way around an OIL RIG. But not just any ROUGHNECKS. No. For this crazy plan to work, we'll need men who have experience with SPACE TRAVEL. Why?" asks Lindelof. "Because we're gonna reverse-ARMAGEDDON this shit and call it a sequel."
Lindelof, who also supervised last summer's Star Trek reboot, proceeds to lay out his blockbuster vision for how to plug the runaway oil well.
First, bring back team supervisor Billy Bob Thornton who takes a call from the president, but not just any president. Since 24 already went with an African-American and female Commander-in-Chief, the Lost guru suggests a Jewish president, preferably one played by Dustin Hoffman, who fills Billy Bob in on the true dimensions of the environmental catastrophe: the earth's center is not molten but oil and the leak is emptying out the planet's core threatening total collapse!
Next, get the gang together again. Forget James Cameron and Kevin Costner. If there's one group of hardhats that can save the day, it's Willis and company.
The plan? Send them back into space to rendezvous with a new asteroid. Then detonate a calibrated warhead to alter its court so it hits its target on the Gulf of Mexico floor and stops the flow of oil.
"Bay's in. He loves the 'James Cameron f--king environmental message b------t' of it," quips Lindelof. "Willis wants to do it, even though he seems to have forgotten he died in the first one. If we want him, easy enough to say he's a twin brother or do some time travel thingamajob once they get into space."
Or maybe he can call the smoke monster to suck up all the black guck. At Day 57 into this disaster, at this point there's nothing to lose.
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