Yeah, we already know the results of the Teen Choice Awards (what's with this broadcast-delay thing?), but we still tuned in just to make sure we didn't miss any of those precious Twilight moments. Just like Fox wanted...what suckers.
Unfortunately, we didn't even get our Robert Pattinson fill, because he barely got to speak. While accepting his Choice Male Hottie award with Megan Fox, he tried his best to stutter something nice to the screaming tweens, "I have to say that the hottest hotties—the hottest teens, to me, are the Twilight fans."
Aw, that's cute of him to try to say. Then when all the Twilight kids gathered round onstage to celebrate their 11 prestigious awards, you can guess who did all the talking...
Yep, Taylor Lautner. Sure, he's the only one who can speak in full sentences and doesn't look strung out, but he's not the one we want! What a waste of a Pattz, but at least there was backstage dramz to satisfy the Twihards.
In perhaps the smartest move of the night, Fox cut Dane Cook's joke aimed at Vanessa Hudgens and her most recent round of naked pictures. Mostly, this was a relief not because the joke was exceptionally rude to Vanessa (it was), but because it was just terribly unfunny and lame and easy. The crowd even booed him. Of course, his Vanessa comments still exist on the Internet.
Cook later offered this excuse for his joke: "My fans are very young as well, and everybody’s very opinionated. You gotta keep it classy."
Yep, calling out Hudgens by name and humiliating her on a show for kids is the classiest. Why is he so awful?
Moving on, Britney Spears did a nice little run-by to pick up her surfboard and then quickly ran away from Miley Cyrus. It was kinda weird. Why so much running?
Oh yeah, we're entirely forgetting about the hosts of this lovely evening of tween culture: the Jonas Brothers. They tried their hardest at sketch comedy with their little "Dare the Jonas Brothers" bits, but not even a Mike Tyson cameo could save them.
Guess this awards show win goes to Miley. Even with a Twilight cast appearance, all anyone can talk about is the 16-year-old's provocative wardrobe choices and stripper pole moves. Or, wait—does that count as a fail for the Disney princess. Whatever the case, here's Miley's full, scandalous performance.
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Check out some of the Teen Choice Awards winners in our gallery. We couldn't include all the winners because, seriously, this thing has more categories than the Grammys.