Michael Buckner/Getty Images; Dominique Charriau/Getty ImagesDear Ted:
I'm sitting here playing Hollywood matchmaker in my head, and I think I have the perfect hot new couple: Megan Fox and Chris Pine! They're both superhot, young up-and-coming actors with talent (one a little more than the other, but who's keeping up?). Let's get their publicists together pronto!
—Jenni S.
Dear Hot Hot Hot:
That's a damn steamy couple there, but we have high hopes for Chris; we don't want M. Fox to use him like a chew-toy for a couple of weeks and then throw him out with the rest of the trash.
Dear Ted:
You're a f--king disrespectful idiot. How could you on national television call Michael Jackson a drug addict? Raymone [Bain, Jackson's former publicist] was right for stopping your ass in your tracks especially when a deceased human being is not there to defend himself. You insensitive motherf--ker. It's funny how you characters get on television and say dumb s--t. You looked like you were doped up the night you were on Geraldo. You got some nerve. Questions, comments, concerns, you email me back.
—Ms. Ronda
Dear Irate:
No questions at all, Ms. Potty-Mouth, but I do apologize if you felt I was disrespectful to Michael on Geraldo, I did not intend to be, truly. The point was that Michael was obviously on piles of medications that undoubtedly affected his body's ability to survive and AEG, Jackson's tour promoter, is clearly questioning its investment of millions of dollars (it will most likely never see again) in a man with such a compromised body. Michael himself admitted he was addicted to drugs in the past. And the only thing I was doped up on Geraldo was nicotine, as I'm stupidly smoking again. Takes an addict to know an addict, I'll tell ya.
Dear Ted:
It feels weird that so many people are throwing M.J. accolades when they were not too long ago criticizing him. Also, this should be a wake-up call to other celebrities who seem to have an "open closet" of pills at their disposal.
—Sweet Determination
Dear Death Changes Things:
Amen on the wake-up call. Once the praise dies down, Michael will be met with some hostile negativity from his harshest critics who want to uncover the truth about his struggles once and for all.
Dear Ted:
Why does it seem like Summit isn't as anxious to squash rumors of romance between Emilie de Ravin and Robert Pattinson? It seems to me they're actually trying to throw them together, always keeping Rob on edge on the set. First, lack of security, hectic working schedule and, lastly, buildings on the verge of crumbling. Don't they realize it could actually hurt the Twilight franchise if the young fans don't at least think Robsten has a chance?
—Rnmomkmq
Dear Tricky Sitch:
On the contrary, babe, the rumors of Rob and Emilie are great publicity for Remember Me. Also, the reason Summit isn't trying to quell rumors about Robilie is because they know Robsten's the real deal.
Dear Ted:
Just a remark I have to make about your post "Michael Jackson's Early Exit." It is interesting to read how a person who has accomplished so little in one's life such as yourself would actually criticize his talent. You seemed to imply the album Bad was not that much of a success. Well, several songs off that album were smash hits and the album itself was a huge commercial success. Whether you liked the album or not is quite trivial to be honest. I don't think anyone cares.
—Lili888
Dear My Attacker:
Obviously, you do.
Dear Ted:
You sneaky devil! I started reading your column out of boredom at work, and now I'm hooked on Nevis Divine and Twi gossip. Love it! What's the problem with this? Well, I'm a 44-year old (mostly) lesbian mother to two teenagers, and now you've got me all in a lather over hot bi guys half my age! I've got to know: Has Nevis Divine ever been to rehab?
—Queer Cougar
Dear Queer Cougar (Love It):
Not unless he's kept it superduper quiet! Which he does most things, but rehab is not one, I'm fairly certain.
Dear Ted:
I gotta say, this M. Jackson thing is getting out of control. In my opinion, this has come to be something that's receiving way too much attention. I mean, 90 percent of E! is now M.J. territory. Yeah, he was a good singer and an icon, but I don't like people messing with the quantity of Robsten news we used to get. What do you think of the subject?
—Sandra
Dear Over Jackson:
I think anything that gets us off Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan's latest pathetic doings is fine by me.
Dear Ted:
Do you know if Michael Jackson's father ever reconciled, apologized, etc. for the abuse that he consistently inflicted on his son well into adulthood? Methinks he did not. I wonder if Joe Jackson is more responsible for Michael's demise than he is for his fame. It's so sad. It certainly does not seem like Joseph ever became a better man. And all these reports of him being a homophobe? Sounds like someone who has issues with his own sexuality.
—Saragoza11
Dear Daddy Issues:
I'm not sure if attacking Joe Jackson's sexuality is the way to go here, but besides that, Michael was never free from outside pressure in his life, except from his lax management. And I think his dad had more to do with Michael's outcome than anyone knows.
Dear Ted:
Where is Dr. Phil? He came to Octomom's rescue. I think Kate Gosselin could use an intervention with Dr. Phil. I can see it now...some of those bitchiest moments toward Jon and the girls, some "caught on tape" moments and Dr. Phil asking the big questions, a dose of reality for reality TV!
—Girlgeeknation
Dear Phil Me Up:
Crazy Kate's inner fame-whore is saying yes, but I think she's already way past rescuing. What's left to rescue—her hairdo? No. Plus, the less I see of Dr. Phil, the better.
Dear Ted:
Shame on you!
—Susieakakaren
Dear I Need to Be Punished:
What the hell did I do now?
Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile Will Smith?
—Nhiltner1
Dear Tooth Fairy:
Nope, but Big Willy def is no saint! Think less megastar for our sweet, cowering T.T.
Dear Ted:
Love that Joan Jett is getting her biopic made while she can still participate. Who would you love to see a biopic about?
—BrainySmurf
Dear So Many Choices:
Since it's probably a tad too soon for Robsten, I vote for a non-asskissing telling of the reign-of-terror George W. Bush and family. Oliver Stone so totally missed on that one. Thanks for asking! Think Quentin Tarantino would want to direct?
Dear Ted:
Is Melinda Miscreant the extremely obnoxious Lisa Rinna? Don't you (and most people) think she is incredibly annoying? And the meth user you spoke of, is that Heather Locklear? (I hope not—she seems very sweet.)
—Wormadette
Dear Two-for-One Special:
No, not really. Sorry, no more for you.
Dear Ted:
Love your column. Is Melinda Miscreant Linda Hogan?
—Cristal
Dear Another One, Doc:
You're one shot of Botox too many, babe. Way too old.
Dear Ted:
I am trying to understand your feelings on using the F-word, rappers using the N-word, etc. However, my First Nations sisters and I were once referred to as the S-word in Canada, where it is considered extremely offensive and horribly politically incorrect. However, I noticed in the U.S. there are a number of geographical areas named the S-word and once while in California I saw a loaf of s---w bread—my American friends didn't realize why I was upset until I informed them that in Canada we considered the S-word on level with the N-word.
—Rhonda
Dear Linguistics Lesson:
How tired are you of people getting away with throwing around words that offend the exact group of people involved? Especially if they're not a member of that group? (Which changes the rules enormously.)
Dear Ted:
I'm dying of curiosity about Terry Tush-Trade! So let me recap who you've nayed on that. It's not Jackson Rathbone, Nikki Reed, Rachelle Lefevre, Catherine Hardwicke or Taylor Lautner. When someone guessed Peter Facinelli, the only response you gave was that you never said TTT was married. Kind of vague, but I think that's a no, too. So I think I've narrowed it down to Kellan Lutz or Kristen Stewart? Am I close?
—Bi-Curious, San Antonio
Dear Twi-cyclopedia:
If by close you mean "absently guessing every person in the Twilight cast," then you're hot as hell.
Dear Ted:
I don't know if you commented on this already, but I was wondering what your take is on Justin Long and Brandon Routh in Zack and Miri Make a Porno. I chuckled, but thought they both seemed a bit uncomfortable in their parts as boyfriends to each other. What do you think?
—Redwines
Dear Eight Months Late:
You're asking the question now why? Regardless, yes, I thought both actors looked majorly uncomfortable. But I enjoyed how it informed their performances a bit.
Dear Ted:
Is Nevis Divine Emile Hirsch? Please tell us, Ted!
—AMJ
Dear Speed Racer:
No, but amazingly fab and close guess.
Dear Ted:
This is a late response to your June 22 posts, but I couldn't get through the mailing-you system until now. That day, right after your Afternoon Piss one could read your Do-me Meter. Ironic. Violence against women is sad in many ways. One of them is calling a young woman who used to be painfully thin "Princess Pork" when she finally looks healthy. What the hell got into you? This is not the kind of thing one would have expected from you.
—Sofia
Dear Pop Princess:
I'm sorry. Blame it on a dying cat. Plus, a perhaps overearnest desire to see a little karmic payback to Hilary Duff for dissing Faye Dunaway so cruelly. But you're right, that wasn't the way to go about it, mea culpa.
Dear Ted:
I love and I really mean love your Bitch-Back section. It's my favorite part of the day. Your responses are genius, honest and hilarious! But now in all seriousness, I have a very important question. Do you think Robsten is going to last? Do you think there will be wedding bells in the future?
—Addicted to Love
Dear Commitment Phobe:
I think the more they fly under the radar, not confirming or going public with anything, the much better chance they have at being together long-term. Sorry, but it's the reason they work.