Listen, the Internet has devolved into a cesspool of three-second gifs that are certainly funny, but basically equate to a back alley hand job from a crackhead that doesn't really know how to work the shaft.

But, every once in a while, a video comes along that requires a little patience from the viewer. A little tender loving care. A little… shaft work. From a non crack head. This is that video. We implore you to watch it all the way through. Be like the great Olympians who utilize a lifetime of patience working to compete in a single event, and give this video an ounce of your patience, and we promise it will pay you back in gold. And a handjob.

Congratulations. You are now a world-class Olympian YouTube viewer. Celebrate by pawning off your gold medal and using it to buy a handy from a back alley… actually don't do that. That's seriously a bad idea. We know there's been a lot of laughs and goofs in this piece so far, but seriously we do not endorse prostitution. Especially from crackheads.

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