Apple unveiled the details of the iPhone 5S at a press conference today that  too many of you were watching. While some of the new features are pretty interesting, we feel that Apple really missed a great oppotunity to really appease the masses. If you're going to debut the next stage of mobile techonology, at least assess the problems we're dealing with on the current platforms!  Zeesh, Apple! Here's some features we think Apple really missed:

When you take a picture of food a notification comes up reminding you that "nobody gives a goddamn."

Playing the Ke$ha station on Pandora at a party will auto-dial anyone you've slept with and haven't spoken to in 4 months.

Taking a selfie will trigger a fierce electric shock into your hand.

Posting about how "perfect" your significant other is on Facebook will automatically send break up texts to him or her.

Texting "K" will brick your iPhone.

Tweeting about politics will twitpic any and all nudes stored on your phone.

Installed app that tells you where pies are cooling on windowsills.

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