Have you ever stopped to wonder what really happened to Jersey Shore? According to our shocking discovery, the Shore was even more HPV-like than we ever imagined—meaning, it never really went away.

Did you actually think the entertainment industry would, after making millions of dollars just by sucking the lemon drop shots of their existences from their spray tan-poisoned veins, settle for only six measly seasons??

NO. What we've found is that another network has taken every single element—from the characters to the outdoor peeing areas—from  Jersey Shore, and recycled them into something glossier, something more West Elm-ish. Open your eyes, people. Jersey Shore IS The Bachelorette.

Question: Have you ever seen Desiree and JWOWW ravaging the exact same rack at Bebe, at the exact same time?? It's time to wake up.


You thought this was the Bachelorette hot tub's television debut, didn't you?? Stop being fooled by its below-ground persona. If you saw its Reality TV resume, it would blow you out of the water…and blow you in the water, if it increased its chances of obtaining a SAG voucher.

hot tub

Ah, the famous black tank top. It was discovered at a Nickelback concert, and has been working, unlaundered, ever since.

black tank

Now we ask you: Have you ever seen Chris Harrison accompanied by anyone? Year after year, lovers take off in helicopters, while Chris remains, seemingly left behind. Did you ever stop to wonder if maybe he has a helicopter of his own? Did you ever wonder why he wanted to start calling the show The Sloppopotomus? Take off the blinders, my friends. Every time Chris Harrison left the room, he headed to the Jersey Shore.


And there you have it, folks. It's just the same recycled garbage, like a Solo Cup full of vomit blowing the wind.


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