These are troubling times. With international threats garnering a lot of attention in the news, we thought we should do our part to protect the homeland by keeping tabs on potentially dangerous domestic developments. The specter of nuclear war is troubling, sure, but so is Charlie Sheen having anything whatsoever to do with Lindsay Lohan.

Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan

Sara De Boer/

It's a different sort of tinder box but an equally, if not more volatile one. Both maintain that they are just friends, united by unfair media scrutiny and similarly ravaged larynxes. While we desperately hope this to be the case, it would be foolhardy not to prepare for the worst. Let's call it...oh I don't know...about a Defcon 4?

Defcon 4

There's an outside chance that, like two converging forest fires, they will burn each other out...but it's just as likely they will reinforce each other and merge into one towering, unstoppable inferno, the likes of which have never been seen.

Recommendation: Pass legislation that makes it illegal for these two combustibles to enter within 500 ft. of one another: effectively, a Federal restraining order. Subjects could easily be tracked via ankle bracelets, so enforcement should not be a problem. The national debt and tensions in the Pacific can wait. This is a clear and present danger that must be squelched before it is too late.

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