Normally we here at E! Online provide you with a quick and easy recap to get you caught up on what you missed on the last episode of your favorite (or at least most DVR'd) show. But if you want a little more, here's a more detailed account of the season eight premiere of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
In this case, "detailed" means "including every random thought I had while watching." Enjoy. For the full effect, watch the show and follow along!
00:21 Not to be a pizza snob, but the family should really spring for some better stuff. Crispy Crust, people. Learn it and love it.
00:25 Nothing against Leah, but Brody and Brandon should really start a new folk band. They can just call it The Handsome.
00:36 First Kardashian joke of the season from Scott Disick! Wasting no time. Good to have you back, m'lord.
00:57 Sometimes Bruce Jenner reminds me that dads should not be on television with their kids. Way too much embarrassment potential. But since Bruce isn't my dad and he's not talking about how bad my farts smell, I am 100% delighted by him.
1:53 Matt Lauer, gettin' frisky!
2:50 The Jenner house's front lawn makes me want to roll down that grassy hill. But I'd probably get arrested.
4:36 GHC—Gratuitous Hummus Close-Up
5:06 "I will never be Backdoor Betty"—Kourtney Kardashian
I consistently love the Kardashian sisters' alliteration. But in my heart, nothing will beat "Slob Kabob" from last season of K and K Take. I still use that one.
6:30 And now, I have seen a man blow out a candle with a remote-controlled helicopter. Life=complete.
6:44 A moment of silence for the two tiny pilots in those toy helicopters. They are survived by their miniature families.
9:36 I will never eat a chocolate donut again.
9:56 "This is your butt, of course." This is all like some kind of twisted episode of Bill Nye the Science Guy.
11:58 Bruce, if you need some space I will gladly trade you my 1-bedroom apartment for your corner of the garage. Again, I think I'd probably be arrested.
Random Observation: Los Angeles looks much nicer on television in HD than it does in real life.
14:53 Scott Disick, the poet.
17:17 Can we stop for a minute and appreciate this moment? Scott's face. The stuttering. The melodramatic tinge to the way he says "Are you insane?!"
Look at it. Just look at it.
18:39 Did Kim just say that she and Kanye are going to have live plants growing on the walls on the inside of their house? They are going to have a Jumanji house. I want a Jumanji house.
23:43 Portrait of a Man Cave:
Bruce has like, tons of yellow Gatorade in his Man Cave. Was he not allowed to drink yellow Gatorade at home or something? He's stocking up like there's going to be a worldwide shortage of Yellow 5 dye.
24:13 "I mean, this is probably just the most bizarre thing I've ever done"—Kourtney Kardashian, putting on a strap-on dildo to scare her husband out of anal sex. Normally I would say that's hyperbole, but she might be right.
24:55 The jumping jacks really sealed the deal here. I would have made a GIF of that, but I'm afraid the FCC would shut me down out of principle.
27:38 For a moment, we all got really excited that we were going to see Kim's cry face. But this was a nice moment anyway.
29:59 "Bruce and I watch The Bachelor together." And now it is suddenly clear why Bruce wanted to be in a different house on Mondays.
32:17 "You have a frisbee in your kitchen?"
Kris, why are you worrying about the frisbee? Your husband is clearly dealing with a serious yellow Gatorade addiction.
33:05 Speaking of serious addictions, these:
...are Birthday Cake Oreos. They are the single most delicious thing to have ever been made by man or nature. Do not eat one of these unless you are prepared to eat an entire sleeve. Seriously.
35:05 It's a girl! Are there even any female K names left in this family for her? They're going to have to get creative.
37:56 Oh no. No no no:
You guys, they make "YOLO" signs to hang in babies' nurseries. I'm not sure I even want to "LO" anymore.
38:58 Kim plays Kanye's music for the baby, which is kind of adorable but also has me wondering which songs she's playing. Or maybe Kanye recorded his own version of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," which oh god please I hope is the case.
That's all for this week! Be sure to tune in next Sunday at 9/8c for another all-new episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.
[Note: all times listed are minus commercial breaks, because ain't nobody got time for that]