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"The worst thing about prison was the Dementors. They were flying all over the place and they were scary and they sucked the soul out of your body and it hurt!"
Warning: do not attempt to make bacon in the morning if you do not have a butler!
"Most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon on my grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up I plug in the grill and I go back to sleep again," Michael explained of his grill-related foot injury. "Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot. That's it. I don't see what's so hard to believe."
What better way to let women on an online dating site know how serious you are about wanting kids someday than with that username?
When it doubt, do chest compressions to the beat of the Bee Gee's "Stayin Alive," OK?
"Hi, I'm Date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
"If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice."
"This is going to hurt like a motherf--ker." Have truer words ever been spoken than when Michael realized just how hard leaving Dundler Mifflin was going to be for him after his team sang this to him?
"Lazy Scranton the Electric City, they call it that 'cause of the electricity."
In what was supposed to be the highlight of Phyllis' wedding, Michael called "bulls--t" when her father was able to get up from his wheelchair to finish walking her down the aisle.
"I can't believe I pushed that guy's lazy ass around all day until he was ready to stand up and steal the show," Michael said.
We dare you not to get emotional over Michael leading a flash mob dance at Jim and Pam's wedding!
"Dwight, you ignorant slut."
"WHERE ARE THE TURTLES?!"