So many hilarious jokes and not enough time for them all on Fashion Police. Get the Joan jabs that you didn't see on air here!
And be sure to tune into the show starring Joan, Kelly Osbourne, Giuliana Rancic and George Kotsiopoulos Friday nights at 10:30 on E!
"Isn't it ironic that her last name is Carey? Considering she's never picked up either of those kids. (The bodyguard is there to keep the kids from touching her)."
"John wanted to sing 'Your Body Is a Wonderland,' but then she looked so horrible, he changed it to 'Your Body Is Atlantic City After Super-Storm Sandy.'"
"It could be Martha Stewart, reliving some prison memories?"
"This outfit is so young and fresh and sexy. It just screams, 'date rape.'"
"I like this! The metallic shoes match the metal plate in his head."
"She really is pregnant. I saw the sonogram of her womb. It looks just like MC Hammer's house: There was no furniture and it looked like a lot of people have partied in there."
"I hate it. Everything is so matchy-matchy. I don't mean the laces and the coat. I mean the horse blanket and Anne's horse teeth."
"I've seen better coats on stray dogs with mange."
"I'm a huge fan. I could listen to her eat a phonebook all day long. (I'm sorry, did I say, 'eat a phonebook'? That's because I meant 'eat a phonebook'.)"
"She is such an artist, look at her. She is twice the singer she used to be, I mean it. Literally."
"Look away, Kelly, I don't want you to have to see this. So many of your people must have died to make that dress."
"Elle actually dresses better than her big sister, Dakota. Which is what we in the fashion world call a Reverse Beyoncé."
"She says one of her passions is vintage clothing. Which to her is a Hello Kitty backpack."
"Elle doesn't like being so tall, because it's already costing her roles, like for the next 'Mrs. Tom Cruise,' even in flats she couldn't get an audition."
"Elle says she and Dakota are 'normal sisters' who just go to school and play together…In their six hundred room mansion on the island they own."
"Jennifer became famous for The Hunger Games. (Which is a movie about the people in line behind Christina Aguilera at an all you can eat buffet.)"
"Jennifer has no distinct style. She didn't even stay brunette. Just like Heidi Klum—going dark wasn't for her."
"It's like someone ordered the fat free version of Katy Perry."
"I have a question. What would happen if Krysten Ritter put down her left arm? Would her innards fall out?"
"Krysten never smiles. She's so goth and skinny, she always look like all she ate that day was a big bowl of sadness."
"Kristen cheated on Robert with a married director and then Robert took her back. (He's more forgiving than Adele wearing all black in a dark room.)"
"I'm sorry, but some things just do not belong together. Like Britney Spears and books, or Kim Kardashian and white penises."
"Justin and Selena said their last break up was due to 'scheduling problems.' I get it. Justin had science 3rd period, Selena had it 6th, and they only got to see each other during recess."
"Most bodyguards just guard the outside of your body, but the kids love him. They call him their 'new vanilla daddy.'"
"Look at Rihanna in a trench coat with nothing underneath. I go downtown just once in only my bathrobe and Melissa's name is suddenly on my checking account."
"I love that black dress. That neckline is plunging faster than Aretha Franklin's head into a bucket of fried chicken."
"Rihanna could make a full body cast look sexy. And, if she keeps dating Chris Brown, she might."
"I give this look two middle fingers up!"
"So unbecoming. The last time Kristen showed this much skin, she was spread eagle in the back of a volvo."
"I hear she's such a tramp. When the director of On the Road called, 'Cut' during her 3 way sex scene, Kristen said, 'Oh, you were filming that?'"
"Look at the way Victoria is wearing the coat. Is she going for the amputee look? Or was she just so hungry that she ate her own arm off?"
"Is that old man her date? I've had a problem with Kate's accent. For years, thought she was always saying she was into grandfather clocks."
"The nice thing about this hat is that it covers up the head wound that made her think it was a good idea to wear it in the first place."
"Her movie is about middle earth, which is exactly where Cate's boobs have settled."
"This dress is like a naked Elton John. Folds of pasty white in front, with a big gaping hole in the back."
"I find Naomi Watts has no humor. I always say the same thing when I see her. 'Naomi, what's up?' She just stares."
"I like her. Jessica's French, which means she's aloof, she's Irish which means she drinks like a fish, and best of all she's American Indian, which means she can suck a moccasin clean from 50 paces."
"I don't want to say Jessica's new movie, Playing for Keeps is a flop, but there were more people at her wedding to Justin Timberlake than at the premiere. She's one bomb away from ending up on a terrorist watch list."