INFphoto.comWe know Brangelina aren't reading Andrew Morton's newest unauthorized biography—or so they say—but we did. We weren't the, uh, biggest fans of his "exposé" on Tom Cruise, but we figured we'd give the famed author another shot at dishing the dirt on an über-celebrity with so much dirt to dish.
We know we said we'd report back last week but the book was such a yawn-fest we forget! Well, almost forgot, anyways.
And in case you're still curious as to why Camp Angelina hasn't slapped Mr. Morton or his many off-the-record sources with a lawsuit, here's why:
It's a total puff job.
The entire "tell-all" is pretty much just Morton puckering up and kissing Angelina's Tomb Raider-toned ass. See, the L.A. Times might deem the book "surprisingly sympathetic," but we say that might be the understatement of the year.
All of Angie's "misdeeds" are explained so...sympathetically that the plumply lipped lady comes off clean as a whistle, no matter how many drug binges she has gone on or husbands she steals.
Everything Angelina does that could be considered, ya know, morally questionable, is blamed on someone else: her mother, her father, the wife or GF of her latest conquest—issues stemming from her days straight outta the womb. In other words, everybody but Saint Angelina.
So let's cut to the chase: Most readers will pick up the book for the dirty details on the beginnings of the all-powerful Brangelina, which, as that same L.A. Times article described, was the point in the book you could not put it down.
First, you "couldn't put it down" because there's 50 pages left in the book, hardly a challenge to power through (especially seeing as the titular subject isn't even birthed until about a third of the way into the book).
The whole Brangelina deal is hardly fleshed out, but rather, pieced together from interviews. The timeline is hazy about when the two actually got together. Morton references an interview where Angie eventually says they began to fall in love during Mr. & Mrs. Smith, but also interviews where both parties claim they didn't hook up until Brad Pitt had split with wife Jennifer Aniston.
We never find out how much (or little, though that's likely not the case) hanky-panky went down between takes, or the million dollar Q, where it went down.
But hell, none of it is the cheating couple's fault anyway. Not when Jen's to blame.
Morton uses a pitiful she-should-have-expected-it approach to Angie stealing J.A.'s man, since Angelina is no stranger to snatching previously committed men and Jennifer is, quote, "needy" and "insecure."
Though, to be quite honest, at this point A.J. had taken a handful of other women's men (Billy Bob, Timothy Hutton, Johnny Lee Miller, Mick Jagger, should we go on?), so the reader isn't exactly surprised. Still doesn't excuse her...unless you're Andrew Morton.
Looks like Angelina wins again, juicy details and all. But we'll get to those later.