Samantha Ronson, Lindsay Lohan

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There may be a few deliriously happy duos in T-town—cuties Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick come to mind—but there are more than enough romances that have gone on way too long.

In the spirit of salvaging love's good name on Valentine's Day, here are five couples who need to a one-way ticket to Splitsville:

Rihanna and Chris Brown: The seemingly innocent puppy love turned rabid really quick (but was a long time in the making). Ri and Chris are already physically separated—him in Vegas, her in the hospital—but with neither side speaking up, there's no way of really knowing their statuses. All we know is, when RiRi recovers, she better'd not see this douche bag again, unless it's in court.

Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson: If there were ever another celeb couple on the verge of their own Rihanna-Brown reenactment, it's these two. Linds said buh-bye to her own career (and sobriety) to follow Sam around the globe on her DJ gigs and fight, loudly,  in just about every hotel room in the country. And if constant arguing ain't enough of a reason to break up, how about the duo's two very definitions of being gay?

Jen Aniston and John Mayer: Jen needs to step back from all these boy-men and find a business dude who's über-successful and out of the limelight. We so know Mayer's got at least another decade of indulging himself in starlets and groupies galore. We suggest these two have some straight-up sweaty, slightly disturbing V-Day sex this weekend and head in two different directions right after.

Jen Garner and Ben Affleck: More of a sham than Toothy and his babe. We're just sorry there'll now be two kids stuck in the middle of this mess when Jen and Ben finally decide enough is enough and quit playing the happy family for the press.

Anyone Dating a Jonas Brother: Take a cue from Miley, Taylor and anyone else who's had googly eyes for one third of the J Bros: It prolly won't end well. And for Nick, Kevin and Joe, be prepared for your gal to spill her guts all over a blog or in a hit song. Maybe those purity rings should extend to dating altogether as opposed to the naughty main event?

—Additional reporting by Becky Bain

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