We went into tonight's Bachelor in Paradise premiere thinking of only one thing.
How would they deal with Corinne and DeMario? How much would they show? How much of a damper would that incident put on the rest of the season? And how much of that damper would be totally deserved?
Then, after a super melodramatic intro from Chris Harrison all alone on the set, the cast started arriving on the beach, and it was easy to get back into what made this show fun in the first place: the editing the personalities. When stupid fun is happening, it's just a stupidly fun show, and when you get to the point where a tear nearly escapes your eye when the bartender retires, you're clearly in for the long haul right?
So yeah, we had some fun, but that doesn't mean we didn't spend all that fun waiting for the fun to inevitably end. Let's talk about some of the fun, shall we?
Dean wasted no time in pulling Kristina aside to talk, and suddenly they were both sharing about their heartbreaking family histories. While Dean's estranged family is still fresh, we had almost forgotten about Kristina's orphan past. Later, when Kristina got the first date card, she picked Dean immediately (which frustrated Danielle M, who hadn't even spoken to Dean, to no end).
Jasmine and St. Nick found themselves rather attracted to each other (til Nick got too drunk to even talk), and while Iggy first thought he and Corinne had a future due to the fact that they're both "the life of the party" (apparently), he eventually ended up canoodling with Camel Girl Lacey.
Corinne was, of course, messing around with DeMario. Their fully clothed romp in the pool was marked by no more than hilarious commentary from Alex, and if we didn't already know, we would have never guessed it was going to become an issue...later.
But first! Dean and Kristina had their date, which first involved a heartfelt talk over dinner and a sudden interruption by a mariachi band. The mariachi band was very impressed by Dean and Kristina's kiss in the confetti, and they couldn't stop talking about how great of a summer they were going to have.
And back on the beach, Jasmine was moving on with Matt the Penguin, and Taylor was overplaying her distaste in being attracted to Derek while he was also attracted to her. Meanwhile, Lacey had to leave because one of her grandparents died, and while Iggy was sympathetic for a second, he was also very concerned about the loss of her rose.
The first new arrival of the season was Robby, who brought along his very white teeth, a work of art on top of his head, and a date card. The other guys praised Robby's hair and teeth and just overall situation, fearing that he was about to be showered with roses, but the girls were much less impressed by the hair swoop.
Robby made his way around a few of the ladies before settling on Raven for his date, and they hung out on a beach for a bit before attempting some makeouts in the ocean. Robby thought it went great. Raven did not agree, blaming her lack of attraction on his hair being too good and his abs being too numerous, but really, Robby's just an acquired taste.
Matt then got a date card, and much to Santa Claus' dismay, he picked Jasmine. They ended up at a drag bar, and obviously Penguin Matt had to get up on stage. He got a full drag makeover that turned him into Virginia, and only somewhat reluctantly took the stage to show Jasmine what he was willing to do for her.
While we were still waiting for some shoes to start dropping, there was a pre-rose ceremony cocktail party to be had. Robby and his overly confident sombrero shirt thought for sure that he was getting a rose from Raven, but Raven was way more into Ben. Iggy and Diggy (Team Diggy! Why does he still barely get screen time?) did their best to talk some girls into roses, and then finally things started happening. Or stopped happening.
Producers pulled DeMario and Corinne aside, and then all the cameras stopped rolling...or all the cameras except the one that was left to capture all the cameras not rolling.
With that, a cliffhanger. We're shocked.
Be sure to watch the video above to hear some of Carly Waddell and Evan Bass' predictions about the breakout stars of the season, and stay tuned for more tomorrow!
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.