So many fun-ish things happened on tonight's episode of The Bachelorette.
There was mud wrestling! Some of the guys visited Ellen! Everyone wanted to punch DeMario! Horse cupcakes! The final whaboom!
But so many terrible things happened too, and at this point, if we were Rachel, we'd be asking producers for a whole new group of men. Why are they all so awful? Or why aren't we hearing from the guys who aren't? Why is no one letting Diggy speak?
Watching grown men argue about nothing is really more exhausting than it sounds, but instead of taking the nap we now feel like we need, we're here to lay it all out just for you.
First, we had to go back to DeMario. He tried his hardest to get back into the house with some crap about how his all-knowing Uber driver told him to not take no for an answer, and in order to experience joy, you need pain. Who needs the pain? Rachel doesn't need pain. Rachel needs guys who aren't assholes.
No matter what the actual situation was with DeMario and his girlfriend, why even bother with someone who puts you in that situation in the first place, especially when you have 20-some other dudes who claim they'd do anything for you? Goodbye for good, DeMario.
However, we do have some questions about the confidence Rachel claims to have in all of the guys remaining in the house. Tickle Monster is still there, still tickling, and upping the ante with a terrifying pair of giant hands. Where did he get those? Where has he been keeping them in the mansion? Did he buy them and bring them with him, or did he make some poor PA go out and get them? Does the mansion have a prop house for things like giant hands and tiny basketball hoops? And does Rachel actually find his antics (his hand-tics) as funny as she seems to? Because we are cringing inside (and outside).
Meanwhile, Whaboom was also still there, with Penis Man following closely behind him to continually remind us how much Penis Man hates Whaboom. Did you know Penis Man hates Whaboom? Did you know the Rachel that Penis Man somehow knows, after speaking to her for two seconds, is too smart to be duped by Whaboom?
And did you know that according to Whaboom, Penis Man was standing over his bed eating a banana? (What?)
Also, can we just talk about the fact that Penis Man—whose intro package including him talking about his penis, then talking about how he doesn't want to be a guy who talks about his penis—acknowledged tonight that he also doesn't want to be the guy who talks about how much he hates Whaboom all the time? You know your issues, Penis Man, so why aren't you doing anything about them?
Whatever's happening between these two doofuses, we're done with it. Deny them roses, we said. Send them back to the land of jerks from whence they came, we said. And because the Bachelor Nation god was looking sweetly down upon us today, that's exactly what Rachel did. She also sent home fake Gob Bluth in the $2,000 suit, but who cares?
It was especially hard to care about Jamey when Penis Man intruded upon Whaboom's exit interview to declare just a few final times how much he hates him. Whaboom ruined his chances with Rachel! Whaboom made it impossible for him to win!
"The thing is is like, it's not about winning," Whaboom said. "It's about the world, brother. And you have no idea what the world needs."
Honestly, their entire exchange deserves a thousand gifs, but at the same time, it deserves no gifs. These two deserve no more screen time, and no further thought past this sentence. Au revoir, douchebags.
Up next it was Ellen time. As the guys got checked in for their next group date, Rachel filled Ellen in on some of the guys, including Tickle Monster.
"I don't like that," Ellen said immediately and correctly of the tickling. "I don't like that. That's a horrible thing. Why is he still here?"
Couldn't agree more, Ellen.
Anyway, the date—which we had already seen—involved shirtless lap dancing for dollar bills from audience members. In context, the date was much more fun than it was when we didn't know who the guys were. Alex really made some strides in terms of us paying attention to him and his abs and his emotional left eye, so that was nice.
Fred, meanwhile, made some opposite strides. He was getting really tired of Rachel bringing up how "bad" he was as a kid, and also getting really upset about how many guys had gotten a lot further with Rachel than he had.
He awkwardly asked Rachel if he could kiss her, which is a nice idea sort of, but didn't work in practice. Then he was like "I want you to know...", then he kissed her, and then he finished his sentence, "...that you might feel something." He was wooing to the camera and confident that the rose was his, but Rachel seemed a lot less excited about their lip-locking.
In fact, Rachel's verdict on the kiss was that it felt like she was being kissed by a little boy, which...ouch.
The worst part of all of this was that Rachel grabbed the group date rose and took it with her as she pulled Fred aside to tell him it wasn't going to work out. That seemed unnecessary, but Fred reacted really well and seemed to understand.
Alex ended up getting the group date rose, which is the right choice.
Up next, Anthony got to ride a horse through Beverly Hills on a one-on-one.
We haven't heard much from Anthony yet, but tonight we learned that he's from Chicago, and has never ridden a horse before, because there are no horses in Chicago. There are, actually, some horses in Chicago, but you cannot ride them into stores, like you apparently can in LA.
We live in LA and we had no idea this was a thing. If this show is to be believed, you can ride your horse right into a boot store, get some new boots and a hat, and then ride your horse right up to a Sprinkles ATM to buy some horse cupcakes. Then, your horse can poop on the floor of a store that sells things like shirts that say "Too glam to give a damn."
We are living the Los Angeles life completely wrong!
At some point during all the horsing around, Rachel decided that Anthony seemed great and gave him a rose.
Back at the mansion, Eric was losing his mind. He went on about how Rachel's playing a game of some kind, and then Iggy tried to interject into Eric's monologuing, which made Eric angrier. But that had to be put on hold for some mud wrestling.
This date was arranged by Rachel's "girls," including Raven, Corinne, Alexis, and Jasmine, who gathered the guys (including professional wrestler Kenny) on a bus and then made them mud wrestle. One random woman yelled "let me see your junk! Woo!" "Let me see that butt! Woo!" another shouted. Were they given scripts? Is that just what you yell during mud wrestling matches?
Anyway, it was absolutely gross, and sometimes hot, but truly only sometimes. Kenny, the wrestler, turned out to be very good at wrestling, but he was defeated in the end by the unexpected champion, Bryce.
While we were falling in love with Kenny and the revelation that he was once a Chippendale's dancer, the s--t was going down with Eric.
On the bus, Lee and Bryce had both told Raven that Eric's motives were not good. After Rachel told him this, he confronted Lee and received the most confusing explanation ever that involved the fact that he had never experienced love before. Lee also said he walked in on Eric screaming at Iggy the night before, which was true.
After all that, Rachel gave Eric the rose anyway, hoping to end the Eric drama. Instead, it made it worse.
Iggy used his time with Rachel to talk about Eric and while it irritates us when men use their limited time to talk about the other men (especially when they didn't get a date this week, like Iggy), but he does have a point. Eric was screaming at him for no reason.
However, Lee has the same point, and we haven't yet been given a reason to enjoy Lee, so we're kind of just leaning towards getting rid of the whole lot of them. We'll have to wait to find out if that happens though, since we got To Be Continued again.
Why does Rachel have so much drama to deal with? Why is everyone so annoying? Rachel doesn't deserve this! We don't deserve this! We just wanted to watch one woman's journey to find love and instead it's just a bunch of baby men arguing with each other.
We'd really just like to go back to Peter's dog festival date, please. That was what dreams are made of. That was our Bachelorette happy place.
Copper, save us from these boys.
The Bachelorette airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.