by Zach Johnson | Sat., Apr. 29, 2017 6:00 AM
Nothing lasts forever—unless it's in print, that is.
Caitlyn Jenner has spent the better part of the month promoting her memoir, The Secrets of My Life, which details her life before and after she came out as transgender in a 2015 television interview with Diane Sawyer. While Jenner's book deals with serious, personal matters, many other stars—like Jon Cryer, Tina Fey and Amy Schumer—find humor in the darkest of chapters.
Here, E! News highlights some of the wildest and silliest stories from 33 celebrity memoirs:
1. Caitlyn Jenner, The Secrets of My Life (2017)
The Olympic gold medalist reveals she has undergone gender confirmation surgery. "I just want to have all the right parts. I am also tired of tucking in the damn thing all the time," she writes. "I am telling you because I believe in candor. So all of you can stop staring. You want to know, so now you know. Which is why this is the first time, and the last time, I will ever speak of it."
Courtesy Gallery Books
2. Anne Heche, Call Me Crazy: A Memoir (2001)
After repressing memories of her sexual molestation, Heche had a meltdown. "No one in Los Angeles had any idea that I had completely split from myself and become another entity inside called Celestia. No one could tell from the way I walked or talked that I was from the fourth dimension. And certainly no one had any idea that I was getting messages from my planet every day about how to make the world a better place to live. From the looks of me, I was exactly the same as I had been before. Maybe I had a little less pain in my eyes," she says. "Maybe it looked like I was filled with love. And I was filled with love. Filled with love and lookin' to hand it out."
3. Carrie Fisher, The Princess Diarist (2016)
Decades after filming 1977's Star Wars: A New Hope, the actress reveals she had a secret affair with her then-married co-star, Harrison Ford—or, as she calls it, a "very long one-night stand." According to Fisher, it was an "intense" fling. "It was Han and Leia during the week, and Carrie and Harrison during the weekend." In one post-coital moment, the late actress writes, "I looked over at Harrison. A hero's face—a few strands of hair fell over his noble, slightly furrowed brow. How could you ask such a shining specimen of a man to be satisfied with the likes of me?"
Dey Street Books
4. Naya Rivera, Sorry Not Sorry: Dreams, Mistakes and Growing Up (2016)
With Fox's Glee no longer on the air, Rivera finally confirms long-rumored reports that she didn't get along with Lea Michele, the hit show's leading lady. "One of the Glee writers once said that Lea and I were like two sides of the same battery and that about sums us up. We are both strong willed and competitive—not just with each other but with everyone—and that's not a good mixture," Rivera writes. "As the show progressed, though, that friendship started to break down, especially as Santana moved from a background character to one with bigger plot lines and more screen time. I think Rachel—erm, I mean Lea—didn't like sharing the spotlight."
5. Amy Schumer, Girl With the Lower Back Tattoo (2016)
The Trainwreck star insists she's not the type of comedian who hooks up with fans when she's on the road—but sometimes, she admits, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. "I do realize that one of the best nights of my life was just a one-night stand in Tampa. But I felt like Marlene Dietrich in Morocco. We all know that one-night stands aren't cure-alls for broken hearts and low self-esteem," Schumer writes. "But sometimes tons of well-deserved orgasms from a guy looking at you like you're lunch right when you f--king need it is just what the doctor ordered."
6. Ozzy Osbourne, I Am Ozzy (2009)
During a 1982 show in Des Moines, Iowa, a concertgoer threw a bat onstage—so the Black Sabbath singer decided to bite its head off, assuming it was a rubber toy. "Immediately, though, something felt wrong. Very wrong. For a start, my mouth was instantly full of this warm, gloopy liquid, with the worst aftertaste you could ever imagine," the rock 'n' roll legend writes. "I could feel it staining my teeth and running down my chin. Then the head in my mouth twitched."
7. Amy Poehler, Yes Please (2014)
For the first time ever, Poehler opens up about her split from Will Arnett. "The process of divorce is about loading that blanket, throwing it up, watching it all spin, and worrying what stuff will break when it lands," she writes. "When you are a person going through a divorce you feel incredibly alone, yet you are constantly reminded by society of how frequently divorce happens and how common it has become. You aren't allowed to feel special, but no one knows the specific ways you are in pain." Though they're no longer romantically compatible, Poehler explains, "I am proud of how my ex-husband Will and I have been taking care of our children. I am beyond grateful he is their father, and I don't think a 10-year marriage constitutes failure."
8. Tina Fey, Bossypants (2011)
When she was 5, the future 30 Rock actress was playing in the front yard of her Upper Darby, Penn., home when a stranger violently cut her cheek. "I've always been able to tell a lot about people by whether they ask me about my scar. Most people never ask, but if it comes up naturally somehow and I offer up the story, they are quite interested. Some people are just dumb: 'Did a cat scratch you?' God bless. Those sweet dumdums I never mind. Sometimes it is a fun sociology litmus test, like when my friend Ricky asked me, 'Did they ever catch the black guy that did that to you?' Hmm," she writes. "It was not a black guy, Ricky, and I never said it was."
Dey Street Books
9. Zayn Malik, Zayn (2016)
The British pop star reveals he suffered from anorexia months before quitting One Direction. "When I look back at images of myself from around November 2014, before the final tour, I can see how ill I was. Something I've never talked about in public before, but which I have come to terms with since leaving the band, is that I was suffering from an eating disorder. It wasn't as though I had concerns about my weight or anything like that, I'd just go for days—sometimes two or three days straight — without eating anything at all. It got quite serious, although at the time I didn't recognize it for what it was. I think it was about control," Malik writes. "I didn't feel like I had control over anything else in my life, but food was something I could control, so I did."
10. Alec Baldwin, Nevertheless (2017)
In 2007, the actor left a voicemail for his 11-year-old daughter Ireland Baldwin, calling her a "rude thoughtless pig." The audio was later leaked online, and it haunts the Baldwins to this day. "Divorce itself is child abuse… I think the worst thing one can do is put a child in the middle of these battles. That is what I did. And I am reminded of it and I am sorry for it every day," the Boss Baby voice actor writes. "If the goal of my ex [L.A. Confidential star Kim Basinger] and her lawyers was to damage or ruin my relationship with my daughter, then I certainly gave them the ammunition to do that with...In all honesty, my relationship with my daughter was permanently harmed by that episode. In that sense, my ex-wife and her lawyers succeeded."
11. Holly Madison, The Vegas Diaries (2016)
Though she was considered Hugh Hefner's "main" girl, they weren't exclusive. "There was some pretty clear favoritism going on—not everyone got a lavish trip for their birthday. One of the girlfriends, Vicky, eventually pointed out to me that he liked to play favorites to keep everyone on their toes…How else could he stay in control of seven women? It prevented us from banding together and staging a coup," she writes. "He needed to somehow maintain the upper hand."
Grand Central Publishing
12. Janice Dickinson, No Lifeguard on Duty (2002)
The self-proclaimed world's first supermodel described past lovers Mick Jagger as "pretty hot" and Jack Nicholson as "wild," but Liam Neeson had it all. "He unzipped his pants and an Evian bottle fell out. It was insane!" Dickinson writes. "Wouldn't you just go gaga? He was amazing!"
13. Barbara Walters, Audition: A Memoir (2008)
Casting Rosie O'Donnell on The View in 2006 was a blessing and a curse. "The premise of The View is that of a team working together, but for Rosie it was more like Diana Ross and the Supremes, as little by little she took over," Walters writes. O'Donnell's feud with Donald Trump (which continues to this day) made matters worse. "If the result of the Trump feud was higher ratings, it also meant that Rosie seemed to be enjoying feuds," Walters writes. O'Donnell was supposedly livid that the journalist didn't publicly take sides against the future U.S. President. "To my amazement she angrily berated me in the dressing room for not defending her enough."
14. Andre Agassi, Open: An Autobiography (2009)
After his wrist injury resurfaced in 2007, the tennis pro began using crystal meth. He failed a drug test, so a friend lied to cover for him. "Apart from the buzz of getting high," he writes, "I get an undeniable satisfaction from harming myself and shortening my career. But the physical aftermath is hideous. After two days of being high, of not sleeping, I'm an alien. I have the audacity to wonder why I feel so rotten. I'm an athlete, my body should be able to handle this."
15. Rob Lowe, Stories I Only Tell My Friends (2011)
The '80s sex tape—which, unbeknownst to him at the time, was filmed with a minor—nearly ruined the actor's movie career. "Sometimes being a trailblazer is overrated...In 1989 it wasn't yet common, or even possible, for young couples to 'sext' and Skype each other with nude tapes and photos. Today, there are people who think nothing of taking a naked pic and sending it to their sweetheart," Lowe writes. "And for some, having a sex tape is something they aspire to; they are even created for the express purpose of publicity, money or career advancement."
16. Brandi Glanville, Drinking & Tweeting and Other Brandi Blunders (2013)
After learning that her philandering husband Eddie Cibrian had cheated on her yet again, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star decided to undergo vaginal rejuvenation surgery. "Later that night, over a glass of sauvignon blanc, it occurred to me: a brand-new vagina would be an Eddie-free vagina. It would be something completely unknown to him and would offer me the fresh start I so desperately deserve," Glanville writes. "It was time for my p---y to be reborn."
Henry Holt and Co
17. Lena Dunham, Not That Kind of Girl (2014)
The Girls star details her relationship with sister Grace Dunham, which drew criticism after its publication. "As she grew, I took to bribing her time and affection: one dollar in quarters if I could do her makeup like a 'motorcycle chick.' Three pieces of candy if I could kiss her on the lips for five seconds. Whatever she wanted to watch on TV if she would just 'relax on me,'" she says. "Basically, anything a sexual predator might do to woo a small suburban girl, I was trying."
18. Shirley MacLaine, My Lucky Star (1995)
Working with actress Debra Winger on the set Terms of Endearment set was an entirely new experience—and it stunk (quite literally). "The first day Debra and I worked together in front of the camera, the assistant called us to get our marks. She got to hers first...The first day in front of the camera is one of jockeying, of establishing boundaries, of assessing your fellow actors as well as letting the crew know that regardless of how brilliant you might be, you realize it means nothing if you're not in your light and you don't know where the camera is...'You're over here,' Debra said. The crew stopped talking. They could sense a stakeout," MacLaine writes. "'I heard you,' I said. 'I know marks when I see them.' 'Good,' she said. 'How's this for a mark?' She turned around, walked away from me, lifted her skirt slightly, looked over her shoulder, bent over, and farted in my face.' 'Do you always talk with your mouth full?' I asked. She laughed."
Reagan Arthur / Back Bay Books
19. Mario Lopez, Just Between Us (2014)
The Saved by the Bell actor lost his virginity at age 12. "What happened next was mostly a blur," Lopez writes. "I remember a lot of kissing and touching, but past that, I was clueless. I knew nothing about a woman's body. All I could do was try desperately to piece together the fragmented and unreliable information that I'd heard from my older cousins." It wasn't until later that Lopez realized he hadn't used a condom—and, after talking to his cousin, he thought the "pull out" would be an effective way to prevent a pregnancy. He was wrong. At age 15, he impregnated a different girl. "Had I listened and learned from the mistakes of others I would have known better than to believe the lie that I could pull out in time in the throes of passion. Because sometimes you can't and don't." After learning the girl was indeed pregnant, Lopez's "mind raced with what this was going to entail: we'd get married, I'd help raise the baby, quit acting to get a real job, possibly drop out of school." The girl later decided to get an abortion.
20. Jennifer Lopez, True Love (2014)
Without naming names, the Shades of Blue actress—whose famous exes include Ben Affleck, Marc Anthony, Diddy, Criss Judd, Alex Rodriguez and Casper Smart—looks back at a volatile romance. "I've never gotten a black eye or a busted lip, but I've been in relationships where I have felt abused in one way or another: mentally, emotionally, verbally," Lopez writes. "I know what it feels like for your soul to be diminished by the way your loved one is treating you."
21. Jon Cryer, So That Happened: A Memoir (2015)
Following his split with Sarah Trigger, Cryer's Two and a Half Men co-star Charlie Sheen set him up with a new woman. "I certainly didn't feel dateable. I was an emotional basket case. What good was I to any woman I might have interest in?" he writes. "I decided I might as well pay someone for company and certain intimate pleasures so that I could at least get my equilibrium back with the opposite sex. Charlie suggested a few online purveyors he occasionally used, as this was when prostitution was gaining a foothold on the Internet. He and I had different tastes, so I didn't go with his exact recommendations, but my forays into prostitution were about as awkward as you might imagine." After a failed first attempt at solicitation, Cryer hit it off with another prostitute—only to learn that Sheen had been intimate with the woman in the past. Why didn't they last? "Charlie said, 'Well, I wanted to bring another girl into bed with us, and she was not happy about that.' And then he looked me straight in the eye and with no trace of irony, said, 'So heads-up on that,'" he writes. "I went home that night and broke up with [her]."
22. Jodie Sweetin, Unsweetined (2009)
When she attended the 2004 premiere of New York Minute, Sweetin was in the midst of a dark drug spiral. "I knew I couldn't last a New York minute without doing more meth. I had it in my purse, with a straw, in a little baggie inside a lip-gloss container. Often I would do meth quickly in public bathrooms, blowing the smoke into wet paper towels so you couldn't see it," she writes. "At the premiere, though, I just snorted it because I knew I couldn't bring a whole pipe."
Blue Rider Press
23. Kendra Wilkinson-Baskett, Sliding Into Home (2010)
The former Playboy model dabbled in drugs as a teen. "In the beginning of my drug phase I would go to the apartment near my school looking cute and smile big until one of the guys gave me coke or weed for free. But as I got more and more into the drugs, the smile just wasn't cutting it. I needed to come up with money to support my habit. I began to occasionally ask my mother for lunch money or for some cash to see a movie, and then I'd use it to buy drugs. Other times I would sneak into my grandmother's house and steal from her purse," she writes. "I didn't think she would catch on, and she never said anything, so I figured I was in the clear."
24. Diahann Carroll, The Legs Are the Last to Go (2009)
The actress' long affair with Sidney Poitier was highly dramatic. At one point, he called her a "bitch, a "tramp" and a "whore," yelling, "'I know he just left your bed. I won't have you running around with other men. You belong to me!'" To her surprise, things worsened after he decided to stay with Juanita Hardy. "I was only home a few days when he called to say his wife was having second thoughts. Our wedding plans would have to be postponed. When the apartment was ready and I was about to move my daughter in with me, Sidney told me he didn't want her there...He changed the locks so I couldn't get in. Then he made me write him a check to offset his purchase and decorating costs," she writes. "I did as I was told, submissive and desperate."
Grand Central Publishing
25. Leah Remini, Troublemaker (2015)
Attending Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' lavish wedding wasn't what Remini expected. "After about five minutes I headed to the bathroom to offer some help. When I opened the door, I found three women, including Tom's sister and his assistant, standing over the baby [Suri Cruise], who was lying on the tile floor. I didn't know if they were changing her diaper or what, but the three women were looking at her like they thought she was L. Ron Hubbard incarnate," the King of Queens star writes. "Rather than talking to her in a soothing voice, they kept saying, 'Suri! Suri!' in a tone that sounded like they were telling an adult to get her s--t together."
26. Jane Fonda, My Life So Far (2005)
Reflecting on her marriage to Roger Vadim, the Oscar winner writes, "One night he brought home a beautiful red-haired woman and took her into our bed with me. She was a high-class call girl employed by the well-known Madame Claude. It never occurred to me to object. I took my cues from him and threw myself into the threesome with the skill and enthusiasm of the actress that I am. If this was what he wanted, this was what I would give him—in spades."
27. Keith Richards, Life (2010)
The Rolling Stones rocker used to drive women wild. "It was like somebody had pulled a plug somewhere…It was all dripping with sexual lust, though they didn't know what to do about it. But suddenly you're on the end of it. It's a frenzy. Once it's let out, it's an incredible force. You stood as much chance in a f--king river full of piranhas. They were beyond what they wanted to be. They'd lost themselves. These chicks were coming out there, bleeding, clothes torn off, pissed panties, and you took that for granted every night. That was the gig. It could have been anybody, quite honestly," he says. "They didn't give a s--t that I was trying to be a blues player."
Back Bay Books
28. Marilyn Manson, The Long Hard Road Out of Hell (1998)
Back in the day, the shock rocker went to extreme lengths to test his audiences' will power. "In an attempt to reiterate the lesson of Willy Wonka in my own style during other shows, I hung a donkey piñata over the crowd and […] would warn, 'Please, don't break this open. I beg you not to,'" he writes. "Human psychology being what it is, kids in the crowd would invariably grab the stick and smash the piñata apart, forcing everyone to suffer the consequence, which in this case was a shower of cow brains, chicken livers and pig intestines from a disemboweled donkey."
29. Drew Barrymore, Little Girl Lost (1991)
The child star experimented with drugs and alcohol before entering a treatment program in her teens. "When I was 10 and a half, I was sitting in the backseat of a car driven by a friend's mother. She started smoking pot. I'd wanted to try marijuana for a long time, but I was afraid if I asked she'd say, 'No way, Drew. You're too young.' However, she offered me some and I said, 'Sure, I'll try it.' I was shocked. But she had a look that seemed to say, 'Isn't it cute, a little girl getting stoned?' Eventually that got boring too, and my addict mind told me, 'Well, if smoking pot is cute, it'll also be cute to get into heavier stuff, like cocaine.' My usage was gradual," she writes. "What I did kept getting worse and worse, and I didn't care what anybody else thought about me. The higher I got, the happier I imagined myself, the more miserable I actually was."
30. Anthony Kiedis, Scar Tissue (2004)
The Red Hot Chili Peppers frontman is sober today—but he was wild and reckless in his youth. "For years and years, I filled syringes and injected myself with cocaine, speed, black tar heroin, Persian heroin, and once even LSD," the rock star writes. "I'm taking Ozone intravenously because somewhere along the line, I contracted Hepatitis C from my drug experimentation."
31. Richard Burton, The Richard Burton Diaries (2012)
In a journal entry dated May 25, 1969, the actor writes about Elizabeth Taylor. "What an extraordinary world it is. How do you live with one person for 13 years, and another for eight and find both as alien as strangers. Elizabeth is an eternal one-night stand. She is my private and personal bought mistress. And lascivious with it. It is impossible to tell you what is consisted in the act of love. Well I'll tell you, E is a receiver, a perpetual returner of the ball!" Burton remembers. "I don't write about sex very often, because it embarrasses me, but, but…"
32. Mackenzie Phillips, High on Arrival (2009)
The actress reveals she engaged in a 10-year consensual sexual relationship with her father, rock star John Phillips. After telling her family members, Phillips writes, "The general consensus was that yes, it was terrible; no, it shouldn't have happened, but there was nothing for me to do but let it go." At the time, she thought, "If sex happened between a father and a daughter, and nobody protested, there was no problem. If it felt good, it could be done, and if nobody put a stop to it, it could happen again, and again, as often and whenever it was convenient for him."
33. Mötley Crüe, The Dirt: Confessions of the World's Most Notorious Rock Band (2001)
Tommy Lee reveals his wedding to Melrose Place actress Heather Locklear was anything but traditional—and why wouldn't it be? "Rudy, one of techs, gave us the best toast ever: 'To Tommy and Heather,' he said, raising a champagne glass. 'May all your ups and downs be in bed,'" the drummer writes. "Then he took the champagne glass and smashed it over his head."
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