We're the type of people (shameless people with eyes) who love every iteration of The Bachelor franchise, no matter the star, and no matter the contestants.
When Bachelor in Paradise first premiered, we loved it, too. We also loved season two, when some season one contestants reconvened on the beach to mingle with some newbies. But this summer, as Bachelor in Paradise unrolled its third season, something truly magical happened: the drunken love child surpassed its parents.
That's right, we said it, and we're sticking to it. Bachelor in Paradise is better than either The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. Not only is it the best show in the franchise, but it has also changed the franchise for the better, revolutionizing how we watch and love our dating show contestants.
What began as just a great way to milk the drama from The Bachelor and Bachelorette's most entertaining contestants with help from sand and alcohol had somehow turned into to the true heart of the entire franchise. Not only is it now more fun than either The Bachelor or The Bachelorette, but it's also developed its own unique mythology, rewarding those of us who never miss an episode of any of the three shows, while still being hysterical enough to entertain new viewers as well. It's not a perfect show, but can you come up with anything better?
For those not in the know, here's how it works: contestants from the past few seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette move into a resort on a beach, and live there for up to 18 days. One small batch of contestants arrive on day one, and more show up every couple of days. The guys and girls take turns handing out roses to the person they're most connected with, and if you get a rose, you get to stay. If you don't, you're gone.
Meanwhile, there are dates to be gone on, food and drinks to be consumed, oceans and pools to be swum in, and even a special room designed just for getting busy. Everyone lives in swimsuits and spends their entire days and nights casually dating the other beach dwellers. It is truly a reality show paradise.
Perhaps the best part about Bachelor in Paradise is that it doesn't take itself too seriously. It knows exactly what it is, and it defines itself clearly in the opening credits each week as a show that asks an erectile dysfunction specialist to seductively eat a banana. It's in on the joke, even while host Chris Harrison and the contestants, for the most part, really want us to believe that there is actual love-finding going on in the sand.
Basically, The Bachelor and The Bachelorette introduce the characters, but Bachelor in Paradise fleshes them out and gives them the chance to both date and make a name for themselves like they never got to on whatever show they started with.
All of this has been going on since the start of the series, but a few things came together in season three to take the show to the next level.
Unlike with The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, where we only know one, maybe two people a season, we've already gotten to know the majority of the Bachelor in Paradise contestants. That makes it extra exciting when someone we're really familiar with arrives, or even when someone we've somehow never seen before shows up, shocking us all with the fact that there was once a firefighter named Carl who tried to woo Andi Dorfman.
One of the most deserving returning characters this season was Carly Waddell, who suffered last season's most brutal break-up thanks to Kirk DeWindt. Kirk and Carly were one of the most stable couples, and she was already talking marriage and babies, thinking Kirk was on the same page.
He was totally not, but he waited to reveal that fact until right around when the couples were supposed to be heading out on overnight dates, meaning they were about as serious as could be after 18 days.
He dropped that knowledge on her with no warning, and it was so devastating to all of us that it happened over a year ago on a reality show and we still haven't gotten over it.
This season, Carly returned, and engaged in one of the oddest relationships we could have imagined with the previously mentioned erectile dysfunction specialist, Evan. We kind of hated Evan going into the season, but then we watched him fall in love with Carly, and watched Carly eventually fall in love with him (after a few false starts), and we couldn't help but root for both of them, or feel like we were watching our child or at least our friend finally get the love she deserved.
Now, they're engaged, and we actually hope they last, even if that means Carly will never return to the beach.
Two other Bachelor in Paradise staples are Ashley Iaconetti and Jared Haibon, who were major characters last year, and continued to be major characters this year. Ashley I. is a big dreamer who loves the Kardashians and is still waiting for the right person to have sex with. Jared is…boring. We honestly don't get his appeal, and that makes the fact that Ashley spent two seasons believing she was desperately in love with him all the more entertaining.
This season, Ashley arrived a few days late, just after Caila Quinn had shown up and swept Jared off his feet. Caila and Jared are equally boring, and thus perfect for each other, but we were stunned to learn that Caila had promised Ashley that she wouldn't even go on Bachelor in Paradise, let alone date Jared. She lied on both counts, and as manipulative as Ashley then became when it came to Jared and Caila, we didn't have much sympathy for Caila either.
It was hard to decide if we were rooting for Ashley, or if we were rooting for Jared to get away from Ashley, and how we felt about ourselves if we were really just rooting for Ashley the whole time. We didn't even want Ashley to get together with Jared, because as we said, he's super boring, but we just wanted her to find success, and maybe a guy who wasn't going to be creepy about sleeping with her.
In fact, maybe we should be embarrassed about how invested we are in this one woman's quest to lose her virginity, but we just aren't. It's such a part of the narrative that if Ashley doesn't return in some form next season, even if it's just to tell us she's no longer a virgin, we'll actually be upset.
Of course, the biggest deal this season was a rivalry two whole years in the making.
It was a big enough surprise to see Nick Viall back for a third go-around this season, after being dumped in second place by both Andi and Kaitlyn Bristowe, but there was not a single Bachelor fan who did not gasp when promos revealed that none other than Josh Murray would also be heading to Paradise for the summer.
Josh was the "winner" of Andi's season, and he and Nick had naturally been rivals as the final two. But his engagement to Andi fizzled pretty quickly, so he was then free try his luck at finding TV love once again.
In his one or two only Josh-free days on the beach, Nick had developed a thing for young single mom Amanda Stanton, and had even chosen her over Leah the Liar, much to Amanda's delight. Then Josh showed up, and once again, he stole Nick's girl. From then on, Josh and Amanda were inseparable. Or rather their lips were in separable, unless Josh was chowing down on some sweet Mexican pizza.
The show leaned heavily into Josh's easy jerk-like tendencies, using his weird moans as a soundtrack, making constant fun of his indecent love of pizza that had clearly once been frozen, and really just letting him express himself freely, especially when it came to Andi's book, which was one hot topic this season.
After she and Josh broke up, Andi wrote a tell-all called "It's Not OK: Turning Heartbreak Into Happily Never After." While she didn't name any names, it's pretty easy to tell who she's talking about when she details her break-up with the ex-fiance who wouldn't allow her to take pictures with men, and got angry when she followed a male country singer on Twitter. Josh was adamant all season that the book was 100% fictional, but a man can only say the word "fictional" so many times before you start to think he means the opposite.
Nick's portrayal in the book wasn't great either, but it was mostly just a little embarrassing. Unlike Josh, he admitted that some of what Andi said about him was true, and came off looking more sympathetic than ever before.
He was level-headed while Josh got angry, and seemed to be the guy all the girls looked to for advice. After we had watched two seasons of The Bachelorette where Nick was somewhat of a villain character, it was weird to see the roles so reversed, but it made it even more fun to watch their rivalry play out. Right in front of our eyes, Nick, the forever runner-up, went from being the stuff of Bachelor legend to being the man we were all most rooting for, and it was truly beautiful to behold.
Now, Nick's the new Bachelor, breaking the tradition of picking the Bachelor from the most recent season of The Bachelorette, all because of Bachelor in Paradise.
Next season of The Bachelor now gets to be the final arc of a story that has now played out over three seasons, and watching Nick Viall finally find true love will be oh so satisfying, even if the concept of one man searching for love among 25 different women almost seems passé at this point.
Regardless of how things go on The Bachelor, we can at least count on it to give us some interesting new beach bums to spend next summer with, which is really more than enough to make us happy.