Rob Lowe is not a trailblazer—at least, as far as Monday's Comedy Central Roast was concerned. Following in the footsteps of Pamela Anderson, Justin Bieber, James Franco and others, the 52-year-old actor allowed comics and friends to mock him mercilessly. On the dais: Jimmy Carr, Ann Coulter, Pete Davidson, Nikki Glaser, Jewel, Ralph Macchio, Peyton Manning, Rob Riggle and Jeff Ross. The show was simulcast on Comedy Central, Spike and TV Land at 10 p.m.
David Spade served as the Roast Master.
Taped Aug. 27 on the Sony lot outside Hollywood, the roasters took turns teasing the 52-year-old man-of-honor—and, of course, each other. After Lowe, Coulter was the night's main target. "I'm just glad there's something left of me," the actor told reporters after the taping. "I think I'm in tatters still up there on that stage. But they were all so funny and I just love a good joke."
In Lowe's opinion, did any of the jokes go too far? "It's like you're in the NFL—you hit hard," said the star, whose friend Gwyneth Paltrow declined to do the roast. "This is the NFL. You're here to hit hard. There are other places to do soft jokes. You want to bring your soft s--t, f--king do a late night show. But if you're on a Comedy Central roast, you better bring your A-game."
Here are the comedy special's 25 best burns (in no particular order):
Jimmy Carr:
• "In the '80s Rob was a member of the Brat Pack. Or as they're now collectively known, the C-List."
• "Ralph Macchio: Obviously not the first choice of Rob's '80s co-stars to be here tonight, but Tom Cruise is too famous and Patrick Swayze isn't answering his phone. When Comedy Central was putting together the lineup for tonight, Ralph Macchio's name was at the very top of the list—and that list was marked 'Worst Case Scenario.'"
• "Ann is one of the most repugnant, hateful, hatchet-face bitches alive. It's not too late to change, Ann. You could kill yourself."
• "Jewel has an incredible voice, an incredible body...and a face!"
• "My friends back home aren't going to believe it when I tell them that they let me roast Charlie Sheen's brother's best friend."
Ann Coulter:
• "I want to welcome you all to the Ann Coulter roast with Rob Lowe."
• "If you've ever asked yourself, 'Who do I have to screw to get a TV show in Hollywood?' Nikki has the actual list."
• "We have comedian Jimmy Carr with us because of [Barack] Obama's lax immigration policy."
Pete Davidson:
• "Let's give it up for Rob Lowe—or as gonorrhea doctors call him, Patient Zero."
• "Ann Coulter and no black people? What are we roasting? A cross?"
• "Last year we had Martha Stewart, who sells sheets, and this year we have Ann Coulter, who cuts holes in them. You racist c--t."
• "Ann Coulter is here. If you are here, Ann, who is scaring the crows away from our crops?"
• "Peyton Manning's here. I f--king love Peyton Manning. He's the s--t. Peyton looks like a football player's evolved to no longer need helmets."
• "People call Rob Lowe a bad actor, but that's because they never saw him tell his wife he didn't f--k that nanny."
Nikki Glaser:
• "Rob defies age...restrictions. Really, you're a f--king Adonis. I hate you. You look like you're sculpted. You put the 'statue' in 'statutory rape.' God, I had such a crush on you when I was a little girl. If only I'd known that's when I had my best shot."
• "God, it's white up here. It's the only way we could get Ann Coulter, though."
• "Ann, you are awful. The only person you will ever make happy is the Mexican who digs your grave."
• "Ann Coulter has written 11 books—12 if you include Mein Kampf."
• "Oh, Ann. What's it like to be a real life super villain? I'd ask you how you sleep at night, but I assume it's upside down in a coat like in 101 Dalmatians."
• "[Peyton], you're like the Tom Brady of being in commercials. Like, the greatest."
• "Jewel is here. Or as I call her, Trailer Swift."
• "Jewel, I don't want to badmouth you, since God already did. Your teeth are like the Spice Girls: They're all different colors and doing their own thing."
Rob Lowe:
• "After listening to your last album, [Jewel], I think you should go back to sleeping in your car with the engine running and the garage door closed."
• "Jewel has performed for the pope. In fact, it's the reason the pope insists on always being in a soundproof glass box."
• "Black Lives Matter. Not enough to have a black person on the dais, but trust me. They matter."