Suicide Squad

Courtesy Warner Brothers

Let's start off with what this article is not. This is not an opportunity to discuss the myriad disappointments that abound in this week's Suicide Squad. This is not the time to debate whether or not the editing made sense or if it's an improvement on Batman v Superman. There are plenty of places to go to lament and/or defend this movie. For today, we're choosing to keep things a little bit lighter. 

Perhaps it's because we're still reeling from all the dark and cynical vibes over in the DC universe, or perhaps it's just because we gosh darn feel like it. But either way, we are here to discuss an important matter at hand: The actual members of the Suicide Squad.

For perhaps a year now, the team over at Warner Brothers has been teasing movie fans with tidbits about the individual characters. Here's a snap of Margot Robbie in rainbow-colored pigtails. There's Jared Leto's insane Joker teeth. This movie is premised entirely on the antiheroes of the cast (worst heroes ever, as they've been dubbed), as the plot revolves around this ragtag group of criminals who are recruited by the government to battle unknown terror entities. 

As such, they're just begging for a ranking. They've been billed as terrifying, as disturbing, as completely and absurdly sick-in-the-head. So just how do they stack up in real life to the trailers we've now collectively picked apart to no end?

Slipknot
Spoiler alert! This metahuman is barely in the movie. His part is so short, in fact, that we barely had time to say to ourselves, hey, that's the guy from Law & Order: SVU! before he was made an example off by the Special Forces and blown to smithereens. We see a glimpse of his ability at tying ropes before ka-blam! We felt barely a blip of fear during his quick scenes. 

Boomerang
Otherwise known as Fake Tom Hardy, this Australian character is really just more of a bully with, well, a boomerang. He's actually channeling an old-timey gangster in a way, with his shearling-lined leather coat and wild facial hair. If it weren't for his mutant-esque abilities, he would actually seem quite at home on the cast of Black Mass, the Whitey Bulger biopic. He's the kind of guy we wouldn't want to see lurking in a dark, deserted parking lot while we're walking back to our car, but in the grander scheme of Suicide Squad

Suicide Squad

Courtesy Warner Brothers

Deadshot
The unequivocal star of Suicide Squad, this is Will Smith's law-breaking, gun-obsessed assassin. He shoots straight from the hip, takes no prisoners, and fits the bill for pretty much every other hired hitman cliché. He even has a daughter that—guess what?—for whom he has a huge weakness. But guess what else? We literally cannot see anything but the Fresh Prince. There goes the Fresh Prince, shooting someone in the head. There goes the Fresh Prince, threatening the head of the Special Forces. There goes the Fresh Prince, gallivanting around with the other metahumans. 

Killer Croc
For a scaly creature that lives underwater and looks more like Deadpool before the suit than anything else, he's actually quite friendly. But that doesn't take away from the fact that this thing is the exact opposite of easy on the eyes. 

Suicide Squad

Courtesy Warner Brothers

Diablo
At first glance, he seems as though he would be more fitting as the villain in a horror movie or a gangster in one of director David Ayer's other movies (End of Watch, Training Day, take your pick). But at second glance he's actually a human fireball who can take out an entire prison yard in one go. He's the only metahuman who actually eschews his powers, having set a vow of non-violence after a particularly horrifying incident (the one that landed him in Belle Reve Penitentiary in the first place), which makes it all the more nightmare-inducing that he could, at any moment, blow the whole place to smithereens. 

Enchantress
Without getting too spoiler-y, this Squad member has several...iterations. First, she's Cara Delevingne wearing cute scientist glasses, traipsing through the jungle. Then, she's the girl from The Ring, if that girl were crawling through a cave of dead bodies and skulls instead of crawling around your TV. This is truly the most WTF of the characters, and she would have taken the top spot were it not for iteration three. We can't say much, but let's just say someone got a little too heavy-handed with the CGI. 

Jared Leto, Margot Robbie, Common, Suicide Squad

Clay Enos/DC Comics/Warner Bros. Pictures

Harley Quinn
Margot Robbie, where do we start? We could kick things off with her horribly objectifying portrayal, or the fact that her butt cheeks get more screen time than, say, Slipknot. But we're focusing on the positive, remember? And the positive is that this character is, for lack of a better phrase, totally screwed up. From the face makeup to the maniacal baby giggle to the fact that she's totally, completely unhinged, Harley Quinn is a complete wildcard. This character is, presumably, what this movie was meant to be. (Again, minus the butt cheeks.)

The Joker
And now, the villain we've all been waiting for. It's nearly impossible to perfect The Joker after Heath Ledger's legendary turn, but Jared Leto gives it his all. Literally. It seems as though he turned in his own mental wellbeing in exchange for full dedication to method acting. But that's probably what is supposed to happen when you sign up to play this guy. By now everyone has seen his sickly green hair, his insane makeup and his terrifying, terrifying yellow teeth, but let's just say that it's even more grotesque in HD. There's also a bit of hypersexual chemistry going on between The Joker and every person he tortures, which only lends to the nightmarish qualities. Is Jared Leto over acting to a ridiculous amount? Yes. Did we feel like we needed to watch an old episode of Friends just to wipe our brain slate clean? Yes. And that's the most shining light of the very few shining lights in this flick. 

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