Bitch-Back! Jen, Brad and Angie—Get a Room!

Jennifer Aniston, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are all still incestuously into each other

Dear Ted:
There's so much focus on Brad/Jennifer/Angelina that none of them will ever be a single entity again, so don't you think it's about time someone put the three of them in the same movie? How about a lesbian remake of The War of the Roses, with Brad as the attorney? The fans could see both women naked and trying to kill each other, and Brad could pretend to be smart.
—77bridge

Dear Twisted Mind:
If that tasty little flick actually happened, it would surpass The Dark Knight and Twilight combined. But what the hell makes you think Brad isn't brilliant, bridge-y? He's the doggiest of them all in this sorry scenario and yet he comes out looking like some kind of Gandhi-like peacekeeper in the latest W. Such a pile of crap!

Dear Ted:
I'm interested to hear your perspective on the death of Jett Travolta. Did the family's adherence to Scientology somehow contribute to Jett's death? Or if there wasn't a direct correlation, did their seeming denial of his true condition (perhaps autism or other developmental delay) have an influence because it wasn't treated adequately?
—Melinda

Dear Curious M:
I'm actually gonna go with Lisa Marie Presley on this one (or she did with me, as I said it in the Morning Piss yesterday), and I'll leave it at that for now. Do not use Jett's parents' issues to trample the boy's memory, please.

Dear Ted: 
The only way Toothy Tile or any of the gay celebs could ever come out is when they learn they are about to be "outed" by the media. We will never see a celeb of Toothy's status willingly come out.
—Catman 

Dear Positive Thinker:
Jeez, great way to get Tooth really cemented into the back of that closet, thanks a lot. But I disagree. I still say there's hope, even for Toothy.

Dear Ted:
I'm new to this Toothy Tile speculation, but my vote goes to James Marsden. Don't know why, just feels right. Maybe it's the teeth. Oh and that he's just so gay in 27 Dresses. "Bennie and the Jets"? Please.
—Rawsoniii 

Dear Wrong Vice:
James ain't Mr. Tile, but he certainly is a bad boy in other ways.

Dear Ted: 
What's the deal with Lance Armstrong and his baby on the way? The guy gets around. Is he as happy as he is saying?
—Earno 

Dear Trick or Treat:
The guy has a revolving door of suitors. Would that make you happy?

Dear Ted: 
I appreciate that you've acknowledged that some Mormons didn't support Prop 8. That was noble of you. However, please don't go completely soft on the Mormons just yet. Mormons who voted against Prop 8 while claiming to support gay rights are still talking out of both sides of their mouths. Even though members may hold diverse beliefs, they are still contributing to an organization that is pushing one uniform and completely unacceptable agenda.
—A

Dear Beef Cakes:
Haven't let Mormons off the hook in the slightest—just wanted to recognize the few members of the group who did vote no. Can't expect them to leave their whole religion over it, I suppose.

Dear Ted:
You need to do a recount. There is no way Toothy Tile [coming out of the closet] won the Prop 88s! Happy New Year and I hope you had fun with your hubby over the holidays.
—Jen

Dear Florida:
Which one do you think should have won? Me keeping my mouth shut about Prop 8 and Mormonism? It was second only to Will Smith having to shut up about schtupping his wife so much. No joke.

Dear Ted:
I just had a completely fabulous idea. Since you and Joel McHale are my two fave faces at E!, why not have Joel do your dirty work for you and out our beloved Toothy on The Soup? Not a bad plan, eh?
—Cathy, Texas

Dear Pawn Player:
Love Joel, but I don't even think he would be up for the task. Now, Chelsea Handler, on the other handler...

Dear Ted:
What percentage of A-list actors would you say are gay or bi?
—Beck

Dear Mathlete:
The majority. Think about it: Who were the theater geeks when you went to high school?

Dear Ted:
I don't think Britney Spears should worry too much about her Twitter account being hacked. I have a feeling that most of her fans don't know if having a four-foot-wide vagina with teeth is abnormal or not.
—Eric

Dear Burn Notice:
Ouch! We're die-hard Brit fans here and know our female anatomy norms, thank you very much.