ABCNO.
NO NO NO NO.
NO.
That's how we feel about the results of tonight's episode. There is no universe in which Jodie Sweetin should have been eliminated from Dancing with the Stars at this stage in the game. We don't know who should have gone instead of her, but we definitely know it should not have been her. That was just dumb, and you're to blame, America!
We're actually really upset right now. We were so happy for her! Her dance was incredible! She got a perfect score!
We're just going to console ourselves with the fact that perhaps the world sensed that it was going to be hard to start production on season two of Fuller House tomorrow and also continue competing on this show.
This is the worst. Whatever. Let's find out how everyone else did.
9. Wanya Morris and Lindsay Arnold: 25/30
This was heartbreaking, because it could have been great. It just suffered from a few missteps and a fallen bandana that turned it less than stellar.
8. Antonio Brown and Sharna Burgess: 27/30
Sexy as hell. Antonio clearly brought it harder than ever this week. It's just too bad for him that everyone else also brought it pretty hard.
7. Team Len: Wanya Morris, Lindsay Arnold, Ginger Zee, Val Chmerkovskiy: 29/30
Just adorable. Or at least it was, until Len showed up in a grass skirt
6. Team Bruno: Nyle DiMarco, Peta Murgatroyd, Jodie Sweetin, Keo Motsepe: 29/30
Men, dancing with men? Women dancing with women?! This was awesome, and perhaps Bruno's influence could finally expand this same sex partner switching to the whole show.
5. Nyle DiMarco and Peta Murgatroyd: 29/30
Still a tad turned off by Nyle's cockiness but those few bars of silence were INCREDIBLY cool and brought the otherwise basic paso to a whole other level.
4. Team Carrie Anne: Paige VanZant, Mark Ballas, Antonio Brown, Sharna Burgess: 29/30
F--KING AWESOME. The atheticism! The powders! What a show.
3. Paige VanZant and Mark Ballas: 28/30
We would have given them a perfect score for this Game of Thrones/Frozen zombie situation because we couldn't find a single flaw, but no one ever listens to us.
2. Jodie Sweetin and Keo Motsepe: 30/30
Amazing! Nothing makes us happier than seeing Stephanie Tanner succeed, and it's a thousand times sweeter when the dance is also a whole bunch of fun to watch. We guess we're glad her final dance was awesome, and that it's clear her dancing skills did not contribute to her elimination.
1. Ginger Zee and Val Chmerkovskiy: 30/30
I MEAN. Ginger Zee for Bond Girl. Or Bond! We want to be her. We want to be her husband. We just want to be all up in there. Is this creepy enough yet? Just incredible.
Now excuse us as we shed a few tears in honor of Jodie Sweetin and the glorious comeback story that could have ended with a mirrorball trophy.
Dancing with the Stars airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.