HBOSo what happens after death? Nothing, apparently.
Jon Snow has been there, and he is back to tell us there is just a lot of nothing in the afterlife, but that doesn't mean he's necessarily thrilled to be back in the land of the living.
"I'm not supposed to be here," he said, after a whole lot of breathing.
"You were dead, and now you're not, that's completely f--king mad, seems to me," Ser Davos said quite logically, and that line made us giggle, but not as much as Tormund's explanation for why he knows the resurrected Jon is not a god.
"I saw your pecker. What kind of god would have a pecker that small?"
This show is just the greatest gift.
Penis jokes and WTF-ing aside, there's business for Jon to attend to. The murderers of the Lord's Commander of the Night's Watch have got to be punished for their sins, and by punished we mean hanged. They be dead, thanks to Jon. However, that was his last act as Lord's Commander, apparently. After the hanging, he gave up his coat and walked off, saying, "My watch has ended."
What do you want to bet Sansa will show up just in time to discover Jon has left Castle Black? Ugh.
In some other almost great but probably not great news, Rickon is back, just like Maisie Williams promised. However, unlike we hoped, he's not in such good shape. He and Osha have been captured and brought to Winterfell, along with the head of Shaggydog as proof that he really is a Stark, only to be welcomed by the horrendous smile of Ramsay Bolton. Ugh, again.
Now, for a thing that excites us: We're getting So. Darn. Close. to finding out exactly what happened with Ned, Lyanna, and the promise she apparently had him make. Bran's visions of the past continued with a confrontation between Ned and Ser Arthur Dayne, just after the death of the Mad King Aerys II. Ned was in search of his sister, Lyanna, but Ser Dayne would rather have a sword fight than give up her location. Just when Dayne had Ned disarmed, Ned's pal Howland Reed stabbed Dayne in the back, and they continued up to a tower, where a woman was screaming.
Just as we also started screaming, the raven pulled Bran out of the vision, telling him he would have to learn "everything" before he could see more, and we were forced to come to terms with more waiting.
Over at the Khaleesi retirement home, Dany was stripped naked (gee, how familiar!) and given new clothes and a lecture about how she should have showed up there right after Khal Drogo died, instead of doing the forbidden thing of going out into the world. Now, she has to wait for judgment of her crimes, and the best thing she can hope for is to get to stay right there. Cool!
Varys and Tyrion, meanwhile, were on the hunt for information on the Sons of the Harpy. With help from a prostitute with a young son and the promise of money and freedom, Varys learned that the Sons of the Harpy were being funded by the masters of Astapor, Yunkai, and Volantis. Tyrion suggested using Varys' birds to send a message, and of course Varys agreed.
Speaking of the birds, a bunch of them were missing their friend Varys. Luckily, they had Qyburn to provide them sweets and send them on new missions. Cue Cersei, who showed up with Jaime and the Mountain to employ the birds for herself. She wants to know who's laughing at her, who's scheming against her, who's doing literally anything, and the birds are now at her disposal.
After crashing the bird party, Cersei, Jaime, and the Mountain also tried to crash the small council meeting, but they mere met with farting (?!), lots of fun shade from Lady Tyrell, and everybody leaving. Seems like no one's really a fan of the incest twins and their statue friend, which is understandable.
Tommen, at least, tried to help his mom out by begging the High Sparrow to let her see his sister's grave, but the sparrow was having none of it. Cersei's apparently not done atoning for her sins, according to the gods, and the gods always know best.
Elsewhere, Arya's training is finally getting somewhere, and by that we mean she can see again! After some more beating and some more asserting that she's no one and has no name, Jaqen finally restored her sight.
And even more elsewhere, Sam and Gilly are on a boat! They're on a boat! Sam is throwing up his guts ‘cause they're sailing on a boat! But really, they actually seem to be happy. They're alive and well, if a bit sea sick, and they're headed for Sam's home, where he believes they'll be safe. Gilly agrees that if he thinks they'll be safe, they will, and she calls him the father of her baby, and the scene ends with nothing bad happening other than Sam throwing up. It's a miracle, honestly. We've never been so happy to see some puke.
Game of Thrones airs Sundays at 9 p.m. on HBO.