You heard it here first: Captain America: Civil War will go down in Marvel movie history.
We are, of course, kidding. The fact that today's installment is so stellar has been broadcast from coast to coast. It's practically written in stone. And all the rumors are true. After slogging through several overblown and clunky, if still entertaining, installments in the last year, the Avengers' dedicated fans are finally being rewarded with the film we deserve.
This time around, the stakes are as high as they've ever been in SHIELD-land. (Or, should we say, post-SHIELD-land.) After a few disastrous firefights that saw way too many civilian deaths (including last summer's climactic Avengers: Age of Ultron battle scene in Sokovia), the United Nations has decided to pull the plug on the Avengers and officially put them under government watch.
And thus begins the great superhero versus superhero fight; with Iron Man and his fellow rule-followers going up against Captain Americas and his cronies who value doing the right thing above all else. Does it ring a bell, fellow Americans? It should.
Ideological debates aside, where Civil War really shines is in its allowing the superheroes to be superheroes. Captain America waxes on about doing the right thing at all costs. Spider-Man gets way too excited about the fact that he can swing between buildings. Black Widow kicks so much ass. There's a healthy dose of sarcasm and self-deprecating humor this time around, and just enough moments to fangirl (or boy) out about.
Since this is arguably Marvel's best, it's naturally going to warrant a whole lot of discussion among superhero faithful and all the newbies who are surely going to jump on board. Questions will arise, and the future of the Avengers franchise as a whole will be tossed around. Consider this your handy guide to every single thing you should think about; gather your friends, grab a beer (domestic, in honor of Cap) and hash this all out.
1. When did Elizabeth Olsen become the best part of The Avengers?
2. Is fake young Robert Downey Jr. the creepiest CGI trick or the best doppelgänger of all time?
3. Chris Evans' trainer: How do we get a session with him?
4. Is a funeral a requirement for every single superhero movie? (See Batman v Superman, et al.)
5. When did Bucky get so freaking hot?
6. Where do we buy Peter Parker's pizza T-Shirt?
7. Why hasn't Chadwick Boseman been part of this franchise from the very beginning?
8. Addendum to question number seven: Hubba hubba.
9. How did the writers know that the line "You're gonna have to go Mark Furman on my ass" would be so incredibly relevant by the time the movie came out?
10. How do we give those writers a raise for the next installment?
11. We're going to get more of giant-Ant-Man, right?
12. Can every superhero movie be without a villain from now on?
13. Is Tom Holland (a.k.a. Spider-Man) actually a 13-year old in a 19-year-old's body?
14. That being said, how amazing is the new Spider-Man going to be?
15. How has Hawkeye's family not kicked him out yet? The guy cannot stay put at home.
16. How many times a day does Don Cheadle feel immensely superior to everyone in this movie?
17. Did anyone even notice that Hulk and Thor were missing?
18. Where does the Black Panther hide his costume? It's not like he can just ball it up in his back pocket like Cap or Spidey.
19. Does Wanda even miss her brother at all?
20. Who else thinks Vision is in desperate need of a pet?