BravoOh dear. Forget the dinner party from hell, The Real Housewives of New York City just had the brassier party from hell.
First of all, let's get the unimportant episode bits out of the way: Jules Wainstein can't make coffee and is really trying her best to let the world know she's a hands on, cool mom. Sonja Morgan and Luann de Lesseps are still hanging out at Sonja's pad and Luann thinks Carole Radziwill lives in Bethenny Frankel's anus. Dorinda Medley revealed she Nairs John's back and Ramona Singer took off the curtains in her apartment after Mario moved out (sincerely hope this is literal and not metaphorical) and Bethenny is having a birthday party in the Hamptons.
Meanwhile, Carole said she's not sure what's happening long-term with Adam because he wants kids and she thinks she only has five good summers. She also revealed in her fantasy her interactions with Luann would go like this: "In my fantasy I'd go up to her and be like, ‘You bitch [throws drink],' but in reality I would just politely ignore her." And then Bethenny made the least unsurprising revelation ever: Luann texts her new catchphrase. "She kept sending these texts, ‘uncool. Don't be all uncool,'" Bethenny said, after saying she feels Luann is very calculating.
Do you think Ramona sent texts to people saying, "Turtle time," when it was time to go out and get sloshed?
Anyway, to the bra party from hell. Jules touched shrimp, then squeezed lemon all over her hand and dunked them in the ice bucket. Because this is a reality show, we're not privy to if this happened before or after Carole got a tequila on the rocks, so...it was either tequila on the rocks or tequila on the rocks with a side of Jules hand germs. The ladies were all terrible at guessing their bra sizes, apparently, but that doesn't matter because they didn't even try on any before things deteriorated. It started with Dorinda telling Ramona and Carole it was weird they got lunch together and then Ramona saying Carole wasn't there for her this summer.
Blah, blah, blah.
Bethenny somehow decided that it was not appropriate to call Dorinda out on always selling John to the women and when he tried to pitch her business ideas behind Dorinda's back."I'm not selling John to you about s—t. That's bulls—t," riled Dorinda said. Riled Dorinda makes for some damn good TV.
"Guess what Bethenny Frankel, you're not the word according to god. You're not gospel. I get to do what I want to do," Dorinda said, which is probably the toughest thing Bethenny has heard in a while.
They went back and forth for a while, with Carole agreeing about John's behavior. Then Ramona decided to repeat a story she was told by a friend wherein John said he gets wasted and then takes a bunch of Viagra and then has sex with Dorinda for six hours. Sorry for the visual. This, understandably, upset Dorinda because Ramona is her close friend and here she is telling tawdry tales in front of a bunch of people, including bra saleswomen and a woman I thought was Heather Thomson for 15 seconds. And guess what: To be continued! John shows up next week and presumably the bra party from hell concludes. Or does it? What circle of hell is this bra party anyway?
The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesdays, 9 p.m. on Bravo.
(E! and Bravo are both part of the NBCUniversal family.)