BravoCan you imagine what The Real Housewives of New York City would be like if Bethenny Frankel hadn't returned? Perish the thought. The ladies of the Big Apple are back for a season eight and Bethenny is still on fire. She's back mixing it up, less stressed, and with a line for everybody. Could any of the other women be told not to talk about Jules Wainstein's husband height and then make a crack about him being R2D2 to Jules' Princess Leia? Nope.
Like any Real Housewives premiere, the first episode of RHONY season eight catches you up with everybody. Here's what you need to know:
Bethenny's apartment is done and it's amazing. She has a new office space that is full of Skinnygirl products and red office supplies, obviously, and she's dating. She's looking for the next big thing, she wants to be "disruptive." "I don't care if you have sex with your boyfriends on this couch. I don't care, just get the job done," she told her employees. Classic B.
Carole Radziwill's "nesting" with Adam, they're now on a year together. "I never thought that we would really be together," she said. The princess credits Countess Luann de Lesseps with bringing her and Adam closer together because of her attacks.
Ramona Singer is out on the town. She's keeping her two properties and gave Mario cash, but they're still waiting on the divorce to be official. She's dating up a storm, but not with Sonja Morgan. She deemed Sonja too messy, so that's still a storyline it seems. Avery's now 21 and getting embarrassed by her mom's flirting at bars. Pray for Avery.
Countess Luann's an empty-nester and staying with Sonja in the city sometimes. She also has extra teeth or something, so she has to be careful while giving blowjobs, she said. Yes, she said that. Sonja's painting tables and also dealing with her daughter being away at boarding school.
Newbie Jules, who is part Jewish and part Japanese, have you heard? She's a fulltime mom and she'll let you know that. She's also Kosher and Bethenny thinks she's too skinny.
And then there's everybody's favorite Dorinda Medley. No longer the newbie, Dorinda's been hanging out with the ladies over the summer, apparently even having sloppy moments with her BF John in Bethenny's presence. It's clear Bethenny is not a fan of John because, well, she says it. And from the looks of all the promo material, John will be at the center of a lot of the drama this season.
Here are the most important and absurd things said by the ladies in the season eight premiere:
"I haven't been drinking, can't you tell from my skin? And I miss drinking." – Dorinda
"It was too bohem for me." – Bethenny on Adam's Instagram after she followed and unfollowed him.
"Holy shit, you've got extra teeth. How do you do blowjobs with those?"- Sonja to Luann.
"[Laughs.] Very carefully." – Luann, and then we were treated to Sonja's blowjobs instructions.
Perhaps the best moment of the night: "Is that my dress?" – Bethenny to Ramona, poking fun at Dressgate 2015.
"Ramona is embracing her new life, so she's a ball of energy. She's got some new titties, she's got some new clothes. It is hunting season. I genuinely feel happy for her." – Bethenny re: Ramona (obviously).
"I saw Dorinda. She's a riot. She's like, ‘I didn't drink all summer.' And I'm like, ‘Really? And I have a 12-inch black penis.' You know me, I'm the bulls--t police." – Bethenny.
Is Bethenny Jewish? "Kind of. I complain a lot, that's as Jewish as I am," she said.
"I love Dorinda. This chubby baby she brought to lunch today is another story." – Bethenny regarding Dorinda and BF John.
The Real Housewives of New York City airs Wednesdays, 9 p.m. on Bravo.
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