Robert Pattinson

Dear Ted:
How I adore you, pissing off the legions of Twilight fans and the Mormons all in one go. I snorted coffee through my nose as I read through the comments inspired by your Twilight-themed Morning Piss. Like your dear husband, I also grew up in a Mormon home and believe me, Mormons are so sexist they aren't mentally equipped to understand the concept. Keep up the bitchcraft, you're the best.

Dear New Light:
I couldn't resist such an obvious 2-in-1 Pisser.

Dear Ted:
Forget Doug Reinhart, what's wrong with Amanda Bynes' face? Her cheeks look huge! Is she storing nuts for the winter there?

Dear Chubby Bunny:
I dunno, I kind of like the chipmunk cheeks; it gives her character, not to mention something else to gab about besides the fact that she's dating dirtbags. Plus, it reminds me that there must be that innocent Nick kid somewhere in there.

Dear Ted: 
So sad to read about Morgan Mayhem, but I can't say I'm surprised. Coke doesn't make you act like that much of a psycho, I mean really, what 21-year-old in Los Angeles hasn't sniffed the white stuff while at, say, Hyde? But the meth is just sad, sad, sad. And it was so obvious, too! You could totally tell something was up with M.M. when she gave that interview. She was twitchy and just weird, paranoid, definitely! Sad though, as that girl has a ton of talent.
Justine, NYC

Dear Morgan Spiral:
It is sad, 'cause I really do like the babe. Hope there are some good people in her life that'll get her the help she needs.

Dear Ted: 
Why do you have links to sites like Perez Hilton, Just Jared and Lainey Gossip? I think all of them are going with the PR flow. For example, they all pimp Jake and Reese, nonstop, as a hot, real couple! Nobody with legitimate gossip could do that.

Dear Bought and Paid For:
True, but they do have a delish mix of legit stuff, too.

Dear Ted: 
What do you think about this story that David Duchovny and Téa Leoni are giving it another try?

Dear XXX Files:
I think it's more out there than truth. And it makes me question Téa, that's for sure.

Dear Ted: 
Hello. Jennifer Aniston here. Stop calling me Maniston. It hurts, OK? Go see my new movie Marley & Me.

Dear Aniston:
Please, you know both you and your publicist have my direct line.

Dear Ted: 
Since you were so generous in revealing that little Gillian Anderson-David Duchovny love affair, can you tell me if Tom Welling was ever involved with his Smallville costar Kristin Kreuk? I mean, he is the most beautiful man on the planet. I don't see how any girl could resist him.

Dear More Than Costars:
I'd say it's safe to guess about 82.5 percent of costars hook up on the side.

Dear Ted: 
Honey, I loved Truth, Lies & Ted! First, you're great on camera as you are in your blog, nice pipes (arms), babe! Second, that kitchen of your looks far too clean to actually be used—kind of like my own! Lastly, does Fake à la Ferocity hide her heroin marks under her fingernails or toenails? Don't change a thing!
Sara, Calgary

Dear Shot in the Dark:
Much thanks, darling. And Fake is far too smart to hide it anywhere it could be photographed. Well, not anymore, at least.

Dear Ted: 
I was very excited to hear that Whitney Houston was making a comeback with a new album now that she dumped that no-good Bobby Brown. What gives with that? It hasn't come out yet and I haven't heard anything about her! Is she back to her old bad habits?
Frozen in Vermont

Dear Comeback Halt:
We're both smelling the same thing. Old habits die hard, but last time I checked, she was back on the straight and narrow. Might have to look again. But look, I still feel like a friggin' smoke after six years off those suckers, so who am I to bitch?

Dear Ted:
Third email of the day, can you tell I'm bored at work? But I just have to ask, as embarrassing as it may be, What is your sign? I have my money on Capricorn, Leo or Sagittarius. Am I right?

Dear Star-Crossed:
Nope. Scorpio.

Dear Ted:
Why should an actor's sexual orientation define his roles? I think it's great that gay actors play straight roles and straight actors play gay roles. If the actor can act and does a great job, what difference does it make? Isn't the point of equality making sexual orientation a nonissue?

Dear Sex Game:
Don't get me wrong, Sean Penn was superb in Milk, but why don't we see out gay men as leads in any flicks?

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