Josh Brolin, Diane Lane

Steve Jennings/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
Please out the real neocon D-bag, Josh Brolin, for what he is: cheater, liar, H8er and sociopath. Or does ID PR have your balls in a vice?

Dear Mrs. Lane:
Look, I'm not satisfied that emergency call Brolin's wife, Diane, made about Josh's suspicious activities ever got really answered, either. Clearly something's up with that. Folks with no secrets don't call 911 on their partners. But I did press Diane's famously ballsy PR firm, ID, about the subject more than once (they said it was not a problem for Lane and the matter was resolved, oh, please)—as I have regarding weird stuff on several of their other clients, to boot. Viced, I am not.

Dear Ted:
What did you really think of Milk? I am hetero, and I'm an advocate for the LGBT community. I wanted to know if it is worth recommending. As a side note, damn that Prop 8! It has set back diversity a million light years...for the nanosecond. Power to the people!

Dear Thirsty:
Sean Penn
was phenomenal, and I would def recommend the film, especially to those who don't know much about Harvey Milk. Just wish more out gay folks had been cast in the movie, that's all.

Dear Ted:
Why has no one really gone to see Australia? It's very good, forget those stupid-ass critics, it was totally unlike any epic movie I ever watched it was funny, full of color and off course the drama, but all in all it was really great. Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman rocked, I'll see it again just to laugh.

Dear Down Under:
I'm sure Nic appreciates there are a couple of you out there.

Dear Ted:
You said Fake à la Ferocity started using again not that long ago and now she needs to quit. What is the reason this time for quitting?

Dear Heroin Curious:
She doesn't want to lose everything.

Dear Ted:
Brit does need therapy, not just a conservator, and I'm so glad you mentioned it. When I taught and had kids I read the book The Hurried Child, about kids rushed into adulthood, performing, and pushed too hard by a parent or themselves into an adult world too early. They usually wind up with severe problems ranging from drugs to becoming hookers. So many of the old stars had therapy (Woody Allen for 40 years or so), and I have no idea why the younger ones would avoid it.
Linda S

Dear Book Worm:
You don't think Lynne Spears' Through the Storm qualifies as a masterpiece of therapeutic literature?

Dear Ted:
I'm surprised you haven't talked about Kristen Stewart on her "infamous" smoking photos. Did I miss that segment?

Dear Ganja Goodstuff:
Weed is basically legal in L.A., get real.

Dear Ted:
Just read your quotes in the Chicago Tribune article that was mentioned in your column—would love to see you address the issue that gay actors could convincingly play hetero roles in films. Case in point...I was totally enthralled as I watched Lance Bass sexily dance with Lacey Schwimmer in DWTS. He's gay but I was certainly convinced of his sexuality and it didn't turn me off one bit. Their dancing was steamy and fun. What do you think?

Dear Right Idea:
I think the homos are already romancing the opposite sex right and left on the small and big screens, only most folks don't realize it. Time for a change.

Dear Ted:
Elizabeth Taylor
is the original man-eating, homewrecking broad, right? As my friend Julie says, Liz is the original Angelina. Then why do I love Liz and despise Angelina so much?

Dear Lovable Tramp:
Cause Liz just has a certain kind of charm and class about her. Angie comes across as sneaky and manipulative.

Dear Ted:
Sometimes I don't know if I love to hate you or hate to love you. I suppose I'll never know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, either.

Dear Confused:
My center's reserved for Jon, but thanks!

Dear Ted:
I'm guessing Catherine Zeta-Jones for Fake à la Ferocity, the honey-talking heroin harlot who's double-dipping her doctors. CZJ lies about her age, why not everything else?
Catherine in NJ

Dear Jonesing for Jones:
Ah, but Cath has always been at a manageable healthy weight. Fake à la bounces between scary skinny and scary hot.

Dear Ted:
I'm hoping someone reading this asks Brad Pitt why he looks so bad. Cheesy mustache aside, his face has that puffy, bloated look of a man who drinks too much and is not well. What gives? Happy Holidays.

Dear Bad Brad:
Maybe he's drowning his nonmarital woes with the booze. Wouldn't be the first time.

Dear Ted:
Oh, come on, Ted! Not long ago, you were saying that trusting sources saw Eva Longoria Parker in her undies (or bikinis, really it doesn't matter) and she looked completely pregnant because she had this big hard belly like only moms do! Just say that either you or your sources were wrong. And I knew from the beginning this was not true. Still love ya, though!

Dear Smarty Pants:
Can't say either was wrong a time ago.

Dear Ted:
Are you the "Ted" that Chelsea Handler is dating?

Dear Dating Lately:
She wishes.

Dear Ted:
I remember reading one interview with Vincent Gallo where he said he could see Hugh Jackman's apartment from his window and that Hugh and his wife basically ignored each other all the time and that it was weird. What's your take on Hugh's marriage?

Dear Rear Window:
Same as my take on 99 percent of the marriages in this town.

Dear Ted:
I don't live in L.A., so I just stumbled on this Toothy Tile thing today. Way too much fun. Based on your clues, and the timing of this actor allegedly wanting to come out around the same time Milk is being released, I'm guessing it's Emile Hirsch. Not sure if you'll confirm or deny w/o a D.T.-type garage meeting. Keep up the good work and take care.

Dear Welcomed Newcomer:
Very good guess for your first time, but E isn't our beloved Tile. Think better-looking, slightly less employed.

Dear Ted:
Loving your new column, even the yellow. This is a question about an old blind item that I don't expect you'll answer but I thought I'd give it a shot. Are Harland Fuss and Grimy Gus still together?

Dear Oldie:
No. Nor were they ever.

Dear Ted:
Why is it such a big deal that Angelina Jolie knows her way around press manipulation? Don't they all in Hollywood? Or at least they try. I just think Angie is the best at the game. Jen tries, she's selling "girl next door." Stephen Huvane, write down some pointers. Tom tries, he's selling Suri. Toothy tries, he's selling straight. Hollywood is really quite transparent. Not as many smoke and mirrors as most would like.

Dear Best In Show:
Because A outdoes all of them combined.

Dear Ted:
You are so delish and right on with Desk DeeCee, why not relocate there? Get a column in the Washington Post and...Woodward, Bernstein and Casablanca? One can only hope!

Dear Politically Pondering:
You trying to get rid of me or something?

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