14 Reasons Batman Is Better Than Spider-Man

Our Spidey-sense says Batman is better

We'll be having superhero debates until the end of time.

There are a million of them, they have insane powers, and movie studios will keep attempting to make a Fantastic Four movie that doesn't suck, because at this point it's just a personal challenge.

Best Batman Ever Michael Keaton (we're saying that as a point of fact; that's not the debate here) threw some major shade at Spider-Man last night during an appearance on The Tonight Show.

Specifically, the former Caped Crusader told Jimmy Fallon about a scene where Spider-Man cries in one of his many movies, which led to Keaton referring to Peter Parker as a "p--sy." Watch the video, below, to hear more of Keaton's anti-Spidey smack talk.

That's some big talk from the Birdman star. Though we may not be convinced on the "p--sy" argument alone, there are several valid arguments that support Batman being better than Spider-Man.

Hell, even our own Spidey-sense says Batman is better.

We'd like to present the following pieces of evidence, for your consideration...

1. Bruce Wayne, a.k.a. Batman, (OMG, spoilers!) is rich. His bankroll means he can throw baller parties and splurge on the coolest gadgets. We're an iPhone generation, OK? We like awesome, expensive stuff.

2. The Batmobile is a sweeter ride than anything ever seen in a Fast & Furious movie—and it's definitely more rock star than the scooter Peter Parker was delivering pizzas on in Spider-Man 2. What is this, a Macklemore music video?

3. Gotham City has a bat signal when they're in need. Spider-Man just has to chill like a gargoyle statue until it looks like s--t's going down on the streets below that's not your typical cabbie dispute. Booooring.

4. Peter Parker had to get bit by a spider to become a superhero. That sucks, guys. No one likes spiders. It sounds like an actual nightmare, and it probably hurt a lot.

5. Spider-Man shoots gooey stuff out of his wrists, and that's gross as hell.

6. Sometimes Batman has bat nipples, and we're into it. Besides a high school crush or two, how many people are lusting after Spider-Man? He's cute. Batman is hot.

7. Batman doesn't live at home with his aunt. Look, no disrespect to May Parker, but the fact that Spider-Man has a curfew and someone who's always up in his business is kind of lame. If you want to swing from skyscrapers by night, it's probably time to get your own place.

8. Batman has a cape. If anything, the guy running around in glorified red and blue underwear should probably cover up with a cape.

9. The husky, sexy voice that distinguishes Batman from Bruce Wayne is a bit more authoritative than almost post-puberty Spidey.

10. Batman has a butler (score!) who is basically a cross between a sassy relative and a wise old sage.

11. Remember when Spider-Man started to doubt himself, and like, couldn't perform? (We're only talking about superpowers, we swear.) Anyway, Batman doesn't have that problem.

12. Speaking of identity issues, Bruce Wayne didn't go through a weird emo experimentation period. We can't un-see those aggressive pelvic thrusts, Peter Parker.

13. You know how Peter Parker and Harry Osborn start out as BFFs, then they're not friends, then they're kind of fake friends while Harry becomes a villain and basically steals Peter's lady while he's at it too? Robin wouldn't do that to Batman. Bro code.

14. Granted, Bruce Wayne isn't struggling financially, but Peter Parker's got to get his head in the game when it comes to his photography "career." He wastes a lot of time bitching about his freelance paychecks for paparazzo shots of the superhero that he is, like he's suffering for his art. Offering a Groupon for headshot photography would probably be just as fulfilling, with more bang for his buck. Watching a tabloid pap squabble over money with a hard-nosed editor when he could be catching villains is not very superhero-like.

Bonus argument: Spider-Man never had a soundtrack by Prince written about him, let alone a masterful song like "Batdance."

Disagree with us on Batman vs. Spider-Man? Post your comment below with your reason on why you're Team Spidey.

Speaking of the Dark Knight, watch the video below as E!'s own Ken Baker takes a ride in Batman's iconic Batmobile.