AP Photo/Andrew Harnik
by Jenna Mullins | Fri., Aug. 7, 2015 10:36 AM
AP Photo/Andrew Harnik
Hopefully everyone isn't too hungover from our GOP Debate Drinking Game. Scratch that. We hope everyone isn't too dead from our GOP Debate Drinking Game. Even if you went by only the Ronald Reagan rule you'd probably be about 65% booze right now. We can smell the alcohol seeping from your pores through our computer.
A lot of stuff went down during the Republican primary presidential debate, like Donald Trump refusing to remember all the horrible stuff he has said about women, a Facebook question about the candidates talking to God and a very interesting response from John Kasich about gay marriage. And by "interesting," we mean a Republican candidate actually sounded like a human being when talking about marriage equality. He was respectful, logical and that probably confused a lot of candidates onstage.
In case you missed the debate or did everything in your power to avoid it in order to retain some semblance of sanity, here are the most important observations made by the people who watched it (i.e. Twitter folks):
At least 1/3 of these guys have serious issues in the ear-size-to-head-size-ratio department #GOPdebate— Eli Braden (@EliBraden) August 7, 2015
I haven't hated this many people on my TV at once since Entourage was on! #GOPDebate— J. Elvis Weinstein (@JElvisWeinstein) August 7, 2015
Donald trump looks like walter from Jeff Dunham show pic.twitter.com/6wBKlTzML2— Gunnison Goodwin (@GoodwinGunnison) August 7, 2015
Donald Trump's views on immigration are based solely on the first 8 minutes of SCARFACE. #GOPDebate— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 7, 2015
Ohio Governor John Kasich is being goddamned rational. YOU DO YOU MY SWEET PRINCE! YESSSS! #GOPDebate— Sara Benincasa (@SaraJBenincasa) August 7, 2015
"Being kind to immigrants is weak," says Ted Cruz, who has a Cuban father and was born in Canada. #GOPDebate— side-eye spice (@goldengateblond) August 7, 2015
#GOPDebate IS THE BEST SHOW EVER, CAN WE PLEASE HAVE 3 SEASONS— Kaleb Nation (@KalebNation) August 7, 2015
Christie and Paul look like a racist Penn and Teller. #GOPDebate— Daniel Carrillo (@DanielRCarrillo) August 7, 2015
Chris Christie looks like the thumb dudes from spy kids pic.twitter.com/GZcgNyiGwW— Sam Greenberg (@myplugnamedavid) August 7, 2015
Already better than Pacquiao/Mayweather. #GOPDebate— Franklin Leonard (@franklinleonard) August 7, 2015
Ted Cruz looks like an older, perpetually sad Jean-Ralphio Saperstein pic.twitter.com/QibRWcWU3Z— Kendall (@kendallposy) August 4, 2015
Carol Fox probably plays FarmVille and spams you with requests to play FarmVille. pic.twitter.com/86DUZBIrZY— DIPSET WORLDWIDE (@petertrvjillo) August 7, 2015
The last time this many psychos screamed at each other was during CON AIR. #GOPDebate— Gerry Duggan (@GerryDuggan) August 7, 2015
The role of Jeb Bush will be played tonight by a lightly tinted lump of white clay. #GOPDebate— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) August 7, 2015
Am I the only one that thinks Jeb Bush looks like Hank Hill? 😂 pic.twitter.com/DvqkO5fcze— Chazz (@WeChippyMane) August 7, 2015
"Ronald Reagan never had an abortion with ISIS and WOMEN DON'T NEED THEM EITHER!" - Basically everyone tonight #GOPDebate— Mike Drucker (@MikeDrucker) August 7, 2015
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy there, Kasich. You're making sense here. You know that's not allowed. #GOPDebate— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) August 7, 2015
They really need to work on the pacing of these things. We never got to the swimsuit portion. #GOPdebate— Ken Plume (@KenPlume) August 7, 2015
K Donald Trump literally looks like Bowser from that live action mario movie pic.twitter.com/qCVq4kRziv— lapis lazCOOLi (@transgirlsamus) August 7, 2015
Every time politicians bring up building a wall I just think HAVE YOU READ A YA BOOK? BAD THINGS HAPPEN WITH WALLS. #GOPDebate— Margot Wood (@margotwood) August 7, 2015
I love watching 10 men standing on a stage arguing why they should be able to control women’s bodies & choices. #GOPDebate— Aubrey O'Day (@AubreyODay) August 7, 2015
Looks like the auditions for the role of Ron Burgandy. #GOPdebate— Jeff Ross (@realjeffreyross) August 7, 2015
One way for a brain surgeon to help the world is to continue being a brain surgeon. #GOPDebate— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) August 7, 2015
When does Ronda Rousey come out to challenge everyone to a fight? #GOPDebate— Ryan McGee (@TVMcGee) August 7, 2015
Professor Quirrell is hiding under Donald Trump's hair. #GOPDebate— Professor Snape (@_Snape_) August 7, 2015
"Let me start by saying my father was a mailman." - John Kasich pic.twitter.com/dmgBA2I2Aj— Jon Weisman (@jonweisman) August 7, 2015
Ted Cruz always looks like he's going to burst into tears & start telling us how he was bullied in middle school #GOPDebate— Drew Snow (@Dschnoeb) August 7, 2015
This is like if everyone you hate on Facebook had dinner together. #GOPDebate— Jensen Karp (@JensenClan88) August 7, 2015
Candidates, we now have a question from a Ms. Joan Osborne: "What if God was one of us?" Mr. Trump? #GOPDebate— Bob Lesh (@Bob_Lesh) August 7, 2015
CAROL AIN'T NOBODY BRINGING GAY MARRIAGE TO YOUR CRIMINAL MINDS VIEWING PARTIES #GOPDebate— Ira Madison III (@ira) August 7, 2015
This would be a great moment for the "WHAT ARE THOOOOOOSE?" kid to break into Quicken Loans Arena.— Foster Kamer (@weareyourfek) August 7, 2015
"I've got a record in Florida." Jeb, you just described most of Florida. #GOPDebate— Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) August 7, 2015
MY mother worked. THEIR mothers worked. YOUR mothers worked. Nobody mentioned their mothers. Nobody. #GOPDebate— Steve Marmel (@Marmel) August 7, 2015
Boy, I bet the mood in the clown car is going to be TENSE when these jerks leave the #GOPDebate.— Wil Wheaton (@wilw) August 7, 2015
Every person in this auditorium believes Jesus rode a dinosaur. #GOPDebate— Lizz Winstead (@lizzwinstead) August 7, 2015
In short, if you weren't on Twitter during the GOP Debate, you missed what was probably the longest and funniest comedy bit ever. Sure, when you have a group of men who are running for King of America Land (at least that's what they think the position is called), mocking them is like shooting fish in a barrel. It just happens that those shots were expertly aimed each and every time.
We can't wait for the next one! See you guys there. We'll bring the guac. Jeb! will bring the $70 guac bowl.
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