Comedy CentralHangover all gone? Tissues thrown away?
Last night, Jon Stewart stepped down as host of The Daily Show after 16 years, the bittersweet festivities getting underway on the very same night that Democalypse 2016 touched down in Cleveland.
All 17 Republicans who have thrown their hats into the ring for the 2016 presidential nomination gathered for two GOP debates—a prime-time event featuring the 10 candidates who polled the best, with Donald Trump leading the pack, and an earlier "happy hour" match featuring seven also-rans-for-now, including the only woman in the field, Carly Fiorina.
It would be bad enough because it's Friday, and there is never a new Daily Show on Friday. Or pretty darn bad if Stewart were on vacation. But he's not coming back. Not only won't we get his take on last night's circus, we have 15 months until we actually go to the polls and pick the next president of the United States...
And Jon Stewart won't be around for any of it! (We wouldn't even be surprised if he never watches one minute of Fox News ever again. Because...well, why would he?)
So that leaves us to go it alone*.
(*Many people will be involved in this alone business.)
If you're behind on your indecision-making, you've got some time before the next Republican throwdown, which is Sept. 16, to be hosted by CNN. And then the first Democratic primary debate isn't until Oct. 13, also on CNN.
But if you want to make it out of the whole process with your sanity intact and your fear level still set at rational, here's what you can do to make it through the election season—which has already been going on forever but won't end until Nov. 8, 2016—without Jon Stewart:
Stock Up: Grab yourself a new box of tissues because presumably you're allergic to B.S.—and there's a great big steaming pile headed our way. You will also need earplugs, a Costco-sized bottle of ibuprofen, batteries to make sure your remote never slows down for a second in case you need to flip quickly, and a passport. (You know, in case the end result doesn't go your way, celebrity-style.)
You'll also need a calendar to schedule the big events: the debates (here's the Republican list and here's the Democratic lineup), the Iowa caucus (Feb. 1), your state's primary and, of course, the general election.
Though if Tuesday, Nov. 8, rolls around and you still have no idea why your 7-11 has been offering a choice between blue and red coffee cups, then this guide isn't for you. Or you really need it.
Hydrate: There's really only one thing to do during these debates, especially when so many candidates are still in play. Two words:
Keep the water close at hand, though, because if you're taking swigs every time Trump compares himself to Ronald Reagan, you're not going to have to worry about who wins next year.
Find a Buddy: If watching The Daily Show With Jon Stewart was your own personal "thing," something you did alone and then went about your day with no one the wiser, just stop. Chances are, someone with likeminded political convictions is nearby, and you need to join forces. When the going gets weird, you've got to have someone who gets you. Someone else who doesn't think much of The Donald but owns a lot of Ivanka-brand shoes. Someone to fan-girl over Rachel Maddow with. Someone to sit around talking about how much you're going to miss The Daily Show with. Someone you can tell who you're going to vote for!
Find a Fight and/or Dance Club: You know, to get the lead out.
Get Informed: There are other ways to get your news with a similar vibe to which you've become accustomed. Real Time With Bill Maher returns to HBO tonight, in fact!
Then there's Last Week Tonight With John Oliver on Sundays and, of course, a whole new Daily Show—the Trevor Noah years!—begins Sept. 28. And by then, the Late Show With Stephen Colbert will be a thing (starting Sept. 8, so really, everything's fine).
But there are a lot of ways to get the information from over there and into your brain. Maybe stay clear of the cable news while the loss is still fresh (Wolf Blitzer, Chris Matthews and the The Five may be just too much to wrap your mind around right now), but there's always Meet the Press, Face the Nation and This Week on the broadcast networks.
Plus, you've got podcasts, Politico, the Daily Kos, Think Progress, Salon, Slate, Mediaite, Mashable, Drudge and all of the internet. Maybe you even want to pick up your local Times, Tribune, Journal, Picayune or Ledger in paper form!
Point being, absorb information from a lot of different viewpoints. You don't want to be the a-hole who spouts off while not knowing what you're talking about. We're all drowning in media, but your brain will ultimately narrow it down to the stuff you agree with/can stomach before it gets to be too much.
Watch Repeats: Online or perhaps you've got some saved. Since the themes that Jon Stewart addressed on a near-daily basis were pretty evergreen, that reliably sharp yet tongue-in-cheek point of view will always help when the going gets tough. As he noted himself on his penultimate show, it seems as though the world is way worse off now than when he started in 1999... But maybe that means there's also more to laugh at.
Enjoy the Moment: Though the candidates who sounded off last night would have you believe we're currently existing in a precarious state of lawless, irresponsible anarchy...we're not. Barack Obama is still president of the United States until January 2017, when whoever emerges least scathed from the Democalypse takes over. Michelle Obama is still the first lady. Someone's looking out. You may be sorry when they're gone, or perhaps they can't be gone fast enough for your taste. But they're not going anywhere yet, so just...breathe.
Be Patient: Jon Stewart is going to have to do something else one of these days. And he'll have to promote it. Boom! He's back.
That wasn't too long to wait, now was it?