ABCLove is in the air!
A lot of other things are probably in the air too, including the opposite of love (looking at you, Gwen and Gavin), but for now, the world of Bachelor in Paradise is populated with happy couples and we are taking it as a sign that there's still hope or something.
Remember that time last night when we wished for an entire episode of Ashley S's fun hospital times? That is still a thing we want, especially after Ashley and Dan came back all coupley. Turns out getting IV's in the emergency room is just as romantic as dinner and beach canoodling, and we've never been so happy for someone on this show. Who knew we were so attached to Ashley S? (We did. We knew that.)
Meanwhile, Carly and Kirk are solid, as are Jade and Tanner, so there was really just a handful of single people left in paradise: Ashley I/Lauren, Mikey T, JJ, Jillian, Jared, Tenley, Jonathan, Juelia, and the newly arrived Clare...along with, you know, Ashley's sister Lauren.
Poor ridiculous Clare walked into some serious slim pickings with that date card, and struggled to choose a guy to take, even with help from her new crab friend.
She ended up with Mikey as a last resort, and they ended up having to do some tantric yoga, of course. Clare also ended up with Mikey's rose, though he was not understanding her rather clear hints that she was just not that into him.
It was fairly clear that Juelia would be getting a rose from Jonathan, so it was down to Jared and JJ as to who would get their roses and who would go home.
Whether Jared was into Ashley I or not, if he hadn't given her his rose, she might have actually exploded. She set her sights on Jared and it was like there was no one else in the world, aside from her sister who gave her flirting advice, and Clare, also known as the "old lady" who's trying to take Ashley's man.
Unfortunately for Ashley, Clare was succeeding, except it was really Jared who was pursuing Clare. She knew she was probably getting a rose from poor confused Mikey, so Jared was free to give his rose to Ashley I without losing Clare.
Ashley, meanwhile, cried and cursed up a storm as she worried that Jared wouldn't give her a rose, and that she was sick of "old ladies" taking her men, and yet again, it became the Ashley I show. In the end, she was just fine, and both she and her sister ended up safe.
That meant it was up to JJ to decide whether Tenley or Jillian would head home, and it became pretty clear after one little wild walk on the beach with the scarily over-confident Jillian, and a sweet make out sesh with Tenley, which one would be leaving. Jillian is a lot to handle, and even kept saying during her interviews that the other women should be scared of her. Tenley, on the other hand, couldn't stop smiling after a smooch with JJ.
Jillian ended up heading home, taking her butt box back with her, and the first week of Paradise was over.
Did you follow all of that without your eyes falling out of your head, along with most of your brain cells?
We know it was tough, but at least now we have Chris Harrison's After Paradise live show to help us sort through all that nonsense, with help from guests like Ashley I and Scandal's Katie Lowes and Josh Malina, all of whom were surprisingly insightful on matters like Jared's apparent perfection and who should be the next Bachelor (one of the Bens, obviously).
Next week, it looks like Joe is coming to Paradise to throw down with Clare, which sounds weird and hilarious and thus totally up our ally. Join us, won't you?
Bachelor in Paradise airs Sunday and Monday at 8 p.m. on ABC.