Magic Mike XXL

Warner Bros

Magic Mike XXL hits theaters today, and for those who don't closely monitor all male stripper movie-related activities, it's the highly-anticipated (-ish) follow-up to Magic Mike. The original flick was both a surprise hit and surprisingly deep (for a male stripper movie), wrought with life lessons aplenty.

While this month's sequel isn't exactly deep, viewers will be happy to know that it is just as chock-a-block full of learning opportunities. As a refresher, XXL follows Magic Mike (aka Channing Tatum) and his gang of male entertainers several years after Mike has unceremoniously gotten out of The Game to start his own custom furniture business. The boys, as they shall hereafter be referred, have banded together for one last joy ride up to Myrtle Beach to perform in the much-heralded 2015 Stripper Convention. 

Seeing as this is the opportunity of a lifetime, Mike decides to join in all the fun to say sayonara to his old life with one last gyration. Now I'm going to be honest with you here for a second: This movie isn't exactly Oscar material. This is earth-shattering news, I know. The acting isn't great, the dialogue isn't great, and the ending makes zero sense. But in between all that there is stripping! Channing Tatum and Joe Manganiello and Matt Bomer stripping! 

And, in addition to all of that stripping, I also learned a lot. I may not have gained the wisdom about chasing my dreams or using drugs or learning who to trust that I did from the original Magic Mike, but I am a more knowledgeable person after having seen XXL nonetheless. And now I am sharing those lessons with you, like Pay It Forward, but with stripping.

There are a few spoilers here, but not really because as I mentioned earlier this is really just a (fun) movie about strippers.

1. If you're making a movie with Joe Manganiello and want to distract from his lack of acting skills, make his first scene a nude one. No one will listen to his words after having seen his bare butt.

2. The mark of a good stripper is that he can make any situation sexy.

3. Channing Tatum can make a furniture workshop and a power drill sexy; ergo, he is a very good stripper.

4. Ginuwine's "Pony" will never not be only for stripping.

5. Improv is not one of Joe Manganiello's strengths.

6. Clittoria Labia is the worst drag name ever.

7. The only jobs in Florida are stripping and furniture-making.

8. Need to brainstorm? Do Molly.

9. The actors in Magic Mike XXL have never actually done Molly.

10. Michael Strahan is never above putting on a male thong.

11. Women who receive lap dances are the real heroes of the stripping industry.

12. Actresses who play women who receive lap dances (and do so with a straight face) are the real heroes of the cast of Magic Mike.

13. Matt Bomer is a great singer.

14. I would watch an entire movie of Matt Bomer singing...naked.

15. Need money and a car to get to a stripper convention? Just bang a rich divorced lady!

16. A stripper convention is the worst place ever to meet men.

17. Twilight fan stripping is even weirder than Twilight fan fiction.

18. Jada Pinkett Smith might actually be a secret stripper emcee in real life.

19. The best way to humiliate someone you're...male entertaining...is to use a Christian Grey-style sex machine.

20. Stripper movies should not have dialogue. Just stick to the stripping.

21. If you're making a stripper movie and can't think of an ending...don't. Just roll the credits after you've run out of ideas and call it a day.

22. Under no circumstances should viewers sit next to a stranger during a male stripper movie.

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