Instagram is good for many things. It's a great way to get new restaurant ideas. It lets you keep up with your friends' lives. It's an endless source of outfit inspiration. But mostly it's good to make people jealous of you. That's why it was invented, right? So that every time you post something your followers are reminded of your fabulous life and how meager and boring theirs is in comparison. You're not doing it right if at least half of your likes aren't hate-likes.
But drumming up a lot of envy can be tricky. You don't want to be downright condescending after all. You need to strike the perfect balance of being a totally down-to-earth gal who just happens to take luxury vacations and eat 5,000 calories a day without gaining a pound. You want your followers to desire to be like you just enough that they follow your every move but not enough so that they copy everything you do. Because those Valentino Rockstud pumps were totally your idea first.
Because you don't need to add any more stress to your already busy day that consists of running to "meetings" and sitting at your laptop in the chicest coffee shop in the city, we've created a handy guide to curating the best Instagram feed on the Internet. If you post exactly what we tell you to and nothing else, you will achieve instant Instagram fame. Your likes will pile up, your followers will triple and you'll suddenly find yourself being invited to every store launch and private macaron tasting in your city. You might even be tempted to start a blog, because you've had so many requests to share the secrets to The Good Life.
But you're going to have to have iron-clad reserve. Just one stray post could lead you off the trail. One errant peek at your chipped manicure or non-artisanal jam could render you dead to the Instagram community. Dead! But don't worry—stick to the list and no one gets hurt.
1. The fake-laughing pose.
There will come a time when you feel the desire to post a picture of your friends. It's very important that you remind your followers that you are 1) happy and 2) too happy to bother looking at the camera. A regular smiling pose is for plebeians and duck lips are so 2012.
2. An In-N-Out burger.
If you live in California or have ever traveled to California, going to In-N-Out is a must. But it's not enough to simply eat at the fast food restaurant, you must document it—before you've even taken a bit. Those truly dedicated to the craft will actually just order a burger for the photo only and then give it away without touching a bite. You'll be glad you did when it comes time for the next picture:
3. Bare legs from above.
What better way to show off your envy-inducing stems without the obviousness of a gym selfie? Make sure you get only part of your legs (but the most flattering part of course) for that casual feeling. It may feel weird to post a picture of your bare legs for no reason, but trust us when we say it's better if your legs are actually totally unrelated to whatever it is you have to say in the caption. If you don't like this direction you can always try "So excited about my new socks!" or "Too lazy to get off the floor LOL."
4. Palm trees.
Don't live anywhere tropical? Doesn't matter! That's what the #latergram is for. Or you could simply use a beautiful image of palm trees to illustrate a particularly deep sentiment you're having at the moment. If all else fails: "Rise and grind."
5. Avocado toast.
It's time to put your culinary skills on the pedestal they deserve. That is, the culinary skills you use when you've had the CRAZIEST week and just need some time to yourself. #Sundaze, amirite?
6. The Starbucks-meets-mani.
This shows your followers that you are so busy doing exciting things that you just can't go without your caffeine fix, but not busy enough that you miss your weekly manicure appointment. Two birds, one stone.
7. Donuts.
You can't just be a fair-weather donut fan who shows up at the pastry shop once a year on National Donut Day. While your followers are choking down that spinach smoothie, you're indulging in the most delicious cake concoction because it's FriYAY damnit.
8. Holding up ice cream cones.
This is a very versatile picture that you should really feel free to make your own. You can simply hold up the cone to prove that you are indulging, you can use the cone to show off your amazing new stackable rings or you can use the cone as a vehicle to show your followers that you are in a super awesome place while they are not. Just don't forget that geotag, folks.
9. Farmer's market berry buckets.
Not pictured: Your perfectly curated outfit of overalls, Birkenstocks and an adorably quirky tote. Just because your followers can't see you doesn't mean the world can't.
10. #IHaveThisThingWithFloors.
This is the height of your artistic expression! You are simply so creative that you cannot walk through a restaurant/movie theater/museum without being inspired by your beautiful surroundings. Just make sure you're wearing the trendiest shoes.
11. Latte foam art.
Best deployed during the fall when your oh-so-cozy steaming cup of espresso will induce instant envy into all those who are not currently getting into the spirit of the season.
12. Sunsets.
Okay we know what you're thinking: Sunsets are so played out. But a sunset image taken through your glass of wine? Groundbreaking!
13. Vogue magazine.
Nobody knows how to get the most out of their leisure time like you do. While the rest of the world is slumming it up with Cosmopolitan, you are culling inspiration from the fashion bible itself. If you insist on using a non-fashion magazine, you may photograph The New Yorker and nothing else.
14. The swan float.
If you went to Coachella and didn't photograph an exclusive pool party with the floating accessory of the season, did it even happen?
15. Macarons.
An oldie but a goodie, the macaron Instagram is still the best way to convey that you are cultured and worldly. Bonus points if you accompany the image with a French phrase.
16. The outfit flat-lay.
You always want your followers to know when you have a fabulous new ensemble, but you also want to avoid too many shots of yourself on your feed. (Especially if your fake laugh isn't at its best). The solution: The flat-lay. You can announce that you're "Ready for vaca!" or simply "Counting down 'til summer."
17. Flower bouquets.
It's important to never post a picture of a vase of flowers as that is for basic bitches. Most preferable would be a shot from your city's flower district, but if that's not accessible to you simply head to your local bodega. Just remember to make sure the colors pop as much as possible.
18. Inspirational quotes.
How can you expect to be a source of envy if you don't occasionally impart some of your hard-earned wisdom on the masses? A great source for quote-searching is anything by Rumi, but Chicken Soup for the Soul works as long as you remember to make the font fancy.
19. Juices.
When you're not indulging in every dessert under the sun with no adverse effects, you're showcasing your cold hard willpower with a juice cleanse. The average person may occasional sip on a green concoction every now and then, but you have the motivation (and money!) to go buck wild at Juice Press.
20. Holding stuff out in front of walls.
Bear with us here, because this slightly odd tactic is a total crowd-pleaser. It doesn't even matter what you're holding (ice cream/coffee/flowers/stray puppy) as long as the wall is properly colorful.
21. BRUNCH.
The original Insta-envy source never fails. You must commit every fiber in your body to being the most dedicated brunchgoer that ever brunched, and it will pay off enormously. The student has become the master.