The Bachelorette, Episode 1106

ABC

Yeah yeah, tonight was the episode where Kaitlyn blew the whole season out of the water and it was all very dramatic, but that was not the highlight of the night for us.

No, that award—as well as the award for most confusing, hilarious, and quotable exit this season—goes to Ian!

At the end of last week's episode, he had just started his Kaitlyn-directed tirade about how she's dumb as a box of rocks and he's the smartest tool in the shed, but it got impossibly better this week, and she didn't even get to hear most of the good stuff.

He also clearly didn't get the memo that if you really want to be the next Bachelor, you're not allowed to actually say that out loud. He also missed the other memo that typically, The Bachelor and intellectualism don't go hand in hand.

Here, for your amusement and also our own amusement, is the transcript Ian's entire limo speech.

"I really think the right decision was made. Kaitlyn's shallow. I just don't think she's nearly as complex as I am. I'm too deep a thinker, I'm too self-aware. I'm very different than every single other person that's here. I went to Princeton, Deerfield, and that's what I have to offer. I'm an interesting guy, a guy that's had a lot of different experiences. I'm not lame, like the others guys. I'm way glad to be out of there."

The Bachelorette, Episode 1106

ABC

"God, I've missed that. I've just missed having conversations with people about life rather than about sex. I'm tired of talking about farts and people's bowel movements. I'm being punished for being an intellectual. They didn't teach cheesy movie quotes at Princeton! I have to have original thoughts. I don't find that women have trouble relating to me because I'm too deep.

"Seeing how badly Kaitlyn has been at the Bachelorette, I feel like I know what it takes to be the Bachelor. I understand that she's trying to divide up her time, but for that reason you have to be deep. I feel like I'm destined to be the bachelor and destined to find love on this show. If I was made Bachelor, I think they would come out of the woodworks, man. I think they'd be like, oh s—t, I wanna go out with that guy. He's so deep. Oh man, I need to have some sex."

2015 man of the year, right?

Let's see. What else happened tonight…

Joshua and Justin cried as they were eliminated, and we found out that there's a guy named Tanner on the show who we're pretty sure we've never ever seen before. Then all the guys celebrated way too much that they were going to Ireland, and they made Joshua feel bad. It was all very sad. 

The Bachelorette, Episode 1106

ABC

We also learned that Kaitlyn believes that Dublin is a great place to fall in love, just like San Antonio was a great place to fall in love, just like New York City was a great place to fall in love, in a similar way to how the Bachelor mansion was a great place to fall in love a few moons ago. Meanwhile, we found love in a hopeless place, and by love we mean ice cream and by hopeless place we mean our freezer.

There was also a very strange group date in which the guys had to pretend Kaitlyn was dead (with a flask in hand) and they had to eulogize her in an Irish wake. They had a little trouble though, because Kaitlyn was really terrible at pretending to be a dead person and couldn't stop laughing.

However, this date was apparently Tanner's time to shine. He acknowledged the fact that no one knows why he's still there, and even reminded us of his name, as if he clearly knew this was his introductory episode.

While Cupcake sang a little song, Ben H. brought us a story about Kaitlyn wearing a dress made out of bread and getting murdered by birds, Shawn B. was sad to hear that Kaitlyn took her own life after spending an entire day with Nick (zing!), and then Ben Z. sent the other guys out of the room to get real emotional. It was beautiful.

Awkward and incredibly strange, but beautiful. RIP Kaitlyn, we guess.

The Bachelorette, Episode 1106

ABC

In a move that sort of surprised us, Kaitlyn gave Jared the group date rose, and his prize was a dance in a fancy cathedral to a private Cranberries concert. This was probably the most jealous we've been all season, on par with the guys getting to pop out of the floor in Aladdin on Broadway.

While Jared and Kaitlyn were off letting it linger, our beloved Shawn started having a little bit of a breakdown over the fact that he, for once, didn't get a date rose. We felt for him, truly, and then he went and talked to a producer and said that one night, he and Kaitlyn sat down on his bed for seven hours and she told him he's it, and he can't handle the idea of getting to the fantasy suite and knowing that she sleeps with two other guys.

"I can't do this, man," he says, and wanders away, up to Kaitlyn's hotel room to discover her stuffing her face with food (same, Kaitlyn. Same.).

He's there because he's upset about Jared getting the date rose, but she thinks he's there to talk about another thing, which we will finally now discuss after stalling for nearly a thousand words now: Kaitlyn did the dirty with Nick, and it was exactly that…dirty.

Nick got the first Irish one-on-one, but it wouldn't have mattered who was on that date. It could have been Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield (and you know how we love them) and it would have been hard to watch. It just felt like we were watching something between two people that no one but those two people should ever have to watch.

The Bachelorette, Episode 1106

ABC

They made out against every wall they found (and by "made out," we mean something more like "literally tried to suck each other's lips off of their faces"). Kaitlyn informed Nick that she wore a sweater with holes in it specifically so he could touch her back, but he just went ahead and put his hand straight up the sweater anyway, holes be damned.

Nick bought them both fancy Irish promise rings, and they fondled each other during dinner in a fancy church, leaving exactly 0 room for Jesus.

And then, they went back to Kaitlyn's hotel room, and either didn't take their mics off, or somebody added sound effects of Kaitlyn breathing, and of Nick saying things like, "I want to know every part of you."

It just felt wrong to be watching it, and yet we couldn't take our eyes off of that screen. We did, however, take our ears off for a minute, just because the sound was getting to be too much. Honestly, that was a lot.

The Bachelorette, Episode 1106

ABC

Nick spent the next morning wandering the grounds of the hotel, as one does, while Kaitlyn nearly pulled out her hair on her balcony. She didn't regret the sex, but then she did, just because of how many other people she is currently dating.

"It came out of nowhere!" she kept saying, but we kinda feel like if you're doing it correctly and safely, it doesn't really come out of nowhere.

"I don't want it to be an issue," she also kept saying, and to that we just keep shaking our heads. You're dating like nine men at once. And you're also making it an issue by immediately freaking out about the sex you just consciously decided to have. We don't have any sympathy for you, Kaitlyn. Own your choices! This show is all about you right now anyway, so do what you want and quit crying about it. 

Also, be more interesting!

In other news, Britt is introducing Brady to her mom, while seemingly wearing his hat. Her mom thinks he seems like a "great new friend." Britt wants him to be more than a friend. Britt's life is currently better than Kaitlyn's in every way. We've missed Britt, which is a thing we're surprised to be saying. 

We're off to take three showers and some Advil. 

Thank you and good night. 

Check out our extensive investigation into whether this season of The Bachelorette is truly terrible, and vote in the poll below before heading to the comments to weigh in on tonight's...interesting...episode. 

 

Kaitlyn Bristowe
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