Surely Jon Stewart will do his due diligence on The Daily Show tonight—but first, Stephen Colbert puts Donald Trump's announcement that he's running for president (again) into perspective.
Just like old times.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to announce that I have an announcement to make," the incoming host of CBS' Late Show says in a new video featuring Colbert looking like his Colbert Report self, only with a strange comb-over, and speaking with a trace of Trump's signature New York accent. "Donald Trump has announced he is running for president of the United States. Thank you," he adds in response to a smattering of applause.
The dazzlingly hyperbolic announcement of an announcement continues:
"This will be the finest, most luxurious gold-plated, diamond-encrusted campaign that will give hope to a weary nation until together we reach that fine fall day when the new season of Celebrity Apprentice premieres—and if elected, Trump will be in his own word, the greatest jobs president that God ever created."
In a perfect world, that makes zero sense, but Trump really did say in announcing his candidacy earlier today that he "will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created."
"Not just any god," Colbert continues. "The most powerful, almightiest god, omnipotent, in the most luxurious heaven imaginable...Don't get me started on those other heavens."
Noting what a great thing Trump running for president is for late night comedy as well as for the country, he adds, "Donald's presidential campaign has inspired me, Stephen Colbert, to announce that I will still be hosting the Late Show on CBS. Thank you, thank you, you're welcome. Somebody has to, right?"
And Colbert goes on to break down Trump's bloviating bit by bit, namechecking China, birth certificates, the state of our "shambling" nation, the shrinking GDP ("that stands for something"), his personal wealth and more.
"Donald Trump is the only man who can dig up the corpse of that nation and marry it," he says. "I'm really rich."
He even brings up his family, which now just happens to be multiracial.
We're so pleased that, even though his show hasn't started yet, Colbert couldn't bear to sit this one out. We get him back on a nightly basis starting Sept. 8.