The Bachelorette

ABC

We never thought we'd say this with Shawn B. around, but there's a new man in our lives.

We've had glimpses of Ben H.'s superior handsomeness before, but tonight he really shined above the rest to make us feel like maybe, just maybe, if Kaitlyn's Snapchat snafu was legit and Shawn B. is now taken, Ben H. can be our backup unrealistic reality television crush.

He's 6'4" and looks damn good doing a two-step, and we're pretty sure those are all the makings of a perfect ma…Wait. Was that Shawn saying he miraculously survived a horrible car accident and is so lucky to be here and is falling in love? What were we saying again?

Sorry. We got REAL distracted there. Let's go back to the beginning.  

The episode opened with Nick walking into the guys' hotel room to face the music, and those guys made it explicitly clear that they don't trust him.

Joshua was particularly prickly to him, grilling him over calling Kaitlyn a "cool chick" as opposed to an "amazing woman," and Shawn seemed downright bummed after opening his heart to Kaitlyn last week.

The rose ceremony, which took place on a baseball field, was beyond dramatic, with each guy breathing an obvious sigh of relief as they received a rose. While we stress-ate a cupcake or seven, we pondered the fact that perhaps Nick's arrival is the best thing that could have happened to this show in terms of upping the stakes at the previously boring/occasionally nonexistent rose ceremonies. 

The Bachelorette

ABC/Felicia Graham

He was saved for last, of course, while Ryan, Jonathan, and probably some other dude (Corey?) were sent home. No one was thrilled except for Nick, though we couldn't imagine being thrilled to hang out with a whole bunch of people who are currently only interested in hating your guts right now.

As for Kaitlyn, she's got an air about her as if she's a loving mom adding yet another kid to her horde of adopted children, but we get it. If she's genuinely interested in finding someone to fall in love with, why not keep all her options open?

It may not be a popular decision, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

Anyway, tonight's adventures took place in San Antonio, Texas, where Kaitlyn and Ben H. drove a cute little pick-up truck to a two-step dance hall to lose a dance competition. Despite the fact that he is only 26, Ben promised he's ready to commit to marriage, and we were all set to fall in love with him forever, right up until the night's second one-on-one (but we'll get to that).

Up next, the night's sole group date forced the guys to write their own Mariachi songs to win Kaitlyn's heart back from the 12 year-old Mariachi beast who stole it away. 

The Bachelorette

ABC/Felicia Graham

While Sebastian, the aforementioned 12 year-old, should have won all the roses and also his own show, the date rose ended up going to Nick. Joshua tried to tell Kaitlyn that none of the guys liked or trusted Nick, but when Kaitlyn confronted all of the guys about it, no one spoke up, making Joshua look like even more of a jerk than he was already being.

Anywho, none of that mattered once Kaitlyn and Shawn set off on their heavenly one-on-one. They kayaked, and swam, and talked, and kissed, and sat in a boat while fireworks went off, and Shawn further confirmed that he is possibly the greatest human this show has ever seen.  

Here, however, is our beef: Who is Kaitlyn, really? At this point during the last season of The Bachelor, we were pretty clear on who Chris Soules was. He was a nice farmer from a small town who understandably didn't have a lot of interesting things about him, and we could see which girls made the most sense for him.

In Kaitlyn's case, it's not so clear. We don't know what her home life is like. We barely remember what her occupation is, or what her family is like, or what she likes to do other than sing or rap or dance. All she keeps saying is that honesty is the most important thing to her, which is great, but that's all we've really got.

The Bachelorette

ABC/Felicia Graham

If she's opening up to the guys, they're not showing it on the show, and she's still this mysterious "cool chick" who seems to have no flaws aside from the fact that all the guys seem to feel like she's hurting their feelings by doing almost nothing at all.

So, all we can really do is root for our own personal taste in humans, which mostly boils down to Shawn B. with a little bit of the Bens mixed in.

Tonight, Ben H. got to impress us by two-stepping in a flannel shirt, Ben Z. got to look good in a Mariachi costume, and Shawn B. kayaked his way into our hearts before opening his heart and mind to Kaitlyn once again. We cried when Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield broke up that one time, and we cried just as hard as Shawn B. described the devastating car accident he miraculously survived a few years ago, right before confessing that he's falling in love. We may not know these people, but we've made an emotional investment in their love anyway, and there's seemingly nothing we can do about it.

All of this is why Ian's sudden outburst is so fascinating to us. He's determined that Kaitlyn is uninteresting, and completely uninterested in him or in anything other than making out with dudes on TV. While we don't care about the part where he's a catch who would be way better off with his own choice of 25 girls, we do kind of see where he's coming from. What does Kaitlyn want, other than kissing and watching men make fools of themselves? 

The Bachelorette

ABC/Felicia Graham

And what do we want? Do we want to watch this woman fall in love (with Shawn B., or Ben H., or even Nick) or do we want the drama of constant crying and heartbreak?

We don't know anymore. Ian can compare his plight to that of Texans at the Alamo before quitting the show, but how do we get out of this? We just wrote over a thousand words about it, and then we're going to go talk about it some more with coworkers, friends, family, and probably our cat, and then a new episode will air next week and we'll start all over again. This is our life.

Meanwhile, somewhere over the rainbow, a woman named Kaitlyn is crying over a whole phone of more pics she can't/shouldn't add to her Snapchat story until the season is over, lest the strangers who care about her love life learn too much too soon about her love life. Everything is weird. 

What do you think? Who are you rooting for? How do you feel about the state of your life? Sound off in the comments!

CLICK: Our best guess for who will win The Bachelorette!

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