Holly Madison Reveals She Contemplated Suicide While Living at the Playboy Mansion: "I Just Couldn't Take the Misery Anymore"

She opens up about her depression in her forthcoming book

By Francesca Bacardi Jun 10, 2015 3:09 PMTags
Holly Madison, Hugh HefnerEthan Miller/Getty Images for BASE Entertainment

For Holly Madison, it wasn't always glitz and glamour inside of the Playboy Mansion.

The Girls Next Door alum reveals in her new book, Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny, that she contemplated suicide while living at the Playboy Mansion as Hugh Hefner's No. 1 girlfriend, according to People magazine.

Her "misery" and depression became so consuming that while taking a bath in 2002 she wondered, "If I just put my head under water and take a deep breath in, it would all be over."

Although the famous house is surrounded by a luxurious metal gate designed to keep people out and maintain privacy, Madison writes that she felt trapped inside the property.

"But I grew to feel it was meant to lock me in," she writes.

Even though a reality show and pictures might give fans imagery of constant partying, fun and wealth, the former Playboy bunny dishes that inside the walls of the mansion the girls lived cutthroat lives where Hefner, 89, allegedly pinned them against each other for "drama."


What resulted was a world in which the gorgeous girls became incredibly insecure in their own skin, and Madison reveals she underwent a nose job to fix her appearance.

She describes the "depths" of her "depression" in great detail, comparing it to a dark path with no light at the end of the tunnel. When she debated committing suicide, she thought no one would even miss her.

"Maybe it was the pot and the alcohol, but drowning myself seemed like the logical way to escape the ridiculous life I was leading," she explains. "I just couldn't take my misery anymore. Of course my family would be devastated, but I rarely saw them enough for my absence to make a difference."

Madison even felt that Hef wouldn't know the difference whether or not she was there. "Would he even miss me? No, I was certain I was just another warm body—as we all were. 'Just another blonde,' I could hear him say."

Life since leaving the Mansion has only improved for the former reality star, who has gotten married and had a baby!

"Thankfully the only thing greater than my need to escape was my desire to share my experience," she writes. "If I sunk my head below the water and went to sleep, no one would ever know the truth."

Down the Rabbit Hole hits shelves June 23.