by Lauren Piester | Wed., Mar. 18, 2015 7:29 PM
You ever heard of a hostile takeover?
You certainly have if you watched tonight's crazytown bananapants season finale of Empire, because it became the phrase of the night thanks to Boo Boo Kitty and her cape and her scheming.
But first things first: Guess who's not dying!
If you guessed Lucious, you would be right. After his nurse realized that double vision is not a symptom of ALS, it was discovered that Lucious actually has something called MG. It's chronic but treatable, meaning he is no longer facing imminent death. Twist!
Apparently, one of his drugs causes insomnia, so he's also prescribed a sedative which turns out to have some very interesting hallucinatory side effects. He believes Bunkie is sitting on his bed, and begins to talk to him, even saying directly, "I killed your ass!"
Unfortunately for Lucious, Cookie's standing right next to him and hears everything. She then promptly attempts to smother him with a pillow, until he stops her.
Later on, Lucious announces that he's not actually dying, but that hasn't changed his intention to name one of his sons as his successor. He gives each of his family members a present: a necklace and a jet for Hakeem, a golden cross and $100,000,000 for Andre to set up a foundation, and the whole darn shebang for Jamal, represented by a small Gold lion-headed specter.
Cookie's present was a little pillow and a total shut-out from the company, so she ends up teaming up with Hakeem, Andre, and Hakeem's new squeeze, the one and only Boo Boo Kitty, who suggested the organization of a good old fashioned hostile takeover. Of course, Cookie's not quite so thrilled about Anika's presence, and the two women get into a knock-down drag-out fight before they're separated by Hakeem and Andre.
Unforunately, Cookie has to put her differences with Anika aside because Anika knows the best hostile takeover-er this side of the Mississippi. His price involves a record deal for his not-so-talented son as well as a few hundred million dollars, but he has only failed at 6 of his 23 hostile takeovers, so the odds are in their favor.
We then learn that the first ingredient in a hostile takeover a scandal, and Lucious certainly has one ready-made. Cookie goes to Vernon to make sure that Lucious actually did kill Bunkie, and Vernon becomes the star witness in a case against Lucious.
This leads to Lucious' dramatic arrest right before he's supposed to go on stage at his concert, but there's a problem: Vernon has gone missing, and he's gone missing permanently, because Rhonda just killed him.
Vernon and Andre had been arguing – and by that we mean Vernon had been punching Andre in the face a lot – when Rhonda showed up and hit Vernon on the head from behind, accidentally killing him. She doesn't want to call the police though, because she just killed a guy, and also she's pregnant.
And so the episode ends with the whole Lyon family going about their merry way while Lucious hangs out in jail, warning us that he will return, while we're left to pull our jaws up off the floor.
Moment of the night: A montage set to Jennifer Hudson singing gospel in a church while Jamal had sex, Hakeem had sex with Anika, and Cookie smothered Lucious with a pillow.
Other moment of the night: Jamal KILLING. IT. in a rap battle against the rapper who had publicly shamed him and his sexuality at a press conference earlier, or Jamal hanging Billy Beretti off the side of a building, or Jamal singing with Patti Labelle, or Jamal doing most things.
Biggest tearjerker: Lucious telling Jamal that he loves him and is proud of him, and then giving him the go-ahead to perform their song at the concert while Lucious is under arrest.
Best Cookie line: "Child, I don't want no chicken!" Also big fans of her hooking up with Malcolm in a cabin before he asked her to come to DC with him while he accepts a mysterious "high level government job."
Oh and Empire went public. So there's that!
What did you think of the episode? Let us know in the comments!
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