Kids, drop out of school and pick up a magazine. Everything you need to know can be absorbed from the pages of the glossies.
Like this nugget: Marriage is unnecessary. Both Simon Cowell and new mom Salma Hayek agree (she in Glamour, he in Glamour U.K.) that marriage is for dolts and dullards.
Plus, the Idol judge explains, "I don't want to marry anyone, because whoever marries me will end up hating me."
Did we accidentally marry Simon Cowell?!
Manscaping, however, is terribly necessary. Cowell, again, and Colin Farrell teach us that primping and pampering aren't just lady business.
Cowell indulges in the occasional Botox shot and platform-heeled shoe, while Farrell tells GQ he enjoys "a Russian-style steam bath while covered in honey."
Mmm...There are other lessons in the magazines, too, but for some reason the rest of our pages got all stuck together.