ABCWell.
That was the best episode of The Bachelor ever. We're calling it right now. Things could not get better than what we just saw unfold before us on our television screens. Is this real life? Are we sure this isn't a well-written Bachelor parody show? We're just blown away by this trip to Santa Fe.
Within the first ten minutes, Carly and Chris were being coached by a poncho-clad love guru in the art of tunic-wearing, sexy yoga, breathing heavily, and undressing each other. Carly was sort of crying a lot, because she has a thing about intimacy and also probably weird-ass things like blindfolding a man and exploring him with strawberries. It ended cute, however, and she got a rose.
Then, there was a group date involving white water rafting. Jade fell into the water, and then revealed that she very easily gets hypothermia, so Chris gave her a medically-necessary footrub. Then, big surprise – the other girls got jealous!
Chris was supposed to attend a party with them, but on the way there, he found the already-eliminated Jordan in the hotel lobby to ask for a second chance. We forgot who Jordan even was until Chris remarked that he had eliminated her because she was always super duper drunk. The other girls certainly remembered her, and were not happy to see her attending the party. Whitney tried to be nice, Ashley got mad, and then got even more mad when Whitney got the rose. Jordan went home, but who cares?
Next, it was time for Britt's one-on-one. We learned that Britt hasn't showered in WEEKS and puts makeup on before she sleeps. Basically, she's disgusting, but that didn't stop Chris from taking her up in a hot air balloon and then probably definitely having sex with her after she says she wants "a hundred" kids with him someday.
Meanwhile, the other girls discuss the fact that apparently Britt is terrible. She apparently told some of them that she doesn't want to get married or have kids anytime soon, and, you know, there's the whole never showering thing. Later Britt tells them she and Chris "took a nap." Sure.
Anyway, Britt may be disgusting, but she wasn't the star of tonight's show. That honor goes to Kelsey, who has outed herself as a full-blown crazypants psychopath who seems to think she lives in a super warped fairytale. Unfortunately, she's more like the evil stepmother than the princess, but she doesn't seem to know that yet.
We first became wary of her last week when she got very upset about camping, though we just thought she was annoying and whiny. This week, she became obsessed with getting time to tell Chris "her story" about being a widow. Things seemed off when she first told the story to some of the other girls. She seemed so very chill about her young husband suddenly dying while taking a walk, and she struggled to remember the term "congenital heart disease."
Then, after she learned of Chris and Britt's "nap," she took matters into her own hands by knocking on his hotel room door. She explained her story to him, revealing that her husband's name was Sanderson Poe, which is our new favorite name that is apparently actually real, and that they had only been dating for three months before deciding to get married. His death had made her stronger, yada yada yada. Then, things went nuts.
Kelsey's talking head turned into that classic movie villain speech where they reveal their evil deeds while maniacally laughing.
"Isn't my story amazing?" she said, beaming, "It's tragic, but amazing. I love my story."
"I had to tell him my story," she continued, "We had to have our first kiss."
Kelsey went on to explain that while this show is technically about Chris, it's also about Kelsey and her own love story, and something about how their first kiss went exactly as it was supposed to, and now it can be written in the storybooks.
"Tune into Mondays at 8 to see this love story unveiled!"
OK, since this woman is real and apparently Sanderson Poe was also a real man who died, we are not going to make any accusations. We will just say that if this were a fictional story in which Kelsey were a fictional person with a fictional dead husband, we'd very definitely assume she had something to do with it. We're also really hoping Chris has some good security guards or secret ninja skills, just in case a rose ceremony goes horribly wrong (or right, depending on your perspective).
After leaving Chris' room, Kelsey was absolutely positive she would get a rose. That slightly changed at the pre-cocktail party sitting around time when Chris approached the girls, and then suddenly took off. Chris Harrison later arrived to tell the girls that the cocktail party was canceled, and they would just go straight to the rose ceremony. Kelsey suddenly became terrified, saying she didn't want to go to the rose ceremony, especially since now someone would be going home and it was probably all her fault for telling Chris such an emotional story.
While Ashley was freaking out about how her story wasn't going to be good enough in this "comparison game of sad stories," Kelsey left the group. We thought she was heading out to talk to him, but then suddenly paramedics were there, tending to the very dramatic panic attack she was having on the floor.
Of course, the words "to be continued" flashed upon the screen, and we nearly threw something. Dang cliffhangers!
Pretty sure this is in competition with last week's Scandal for the greatest thing we've ever seen on TV, especially thanks to that tag at the end featuring Megan being racist in a sombrero.
We are not worthy, ABC.