Jessica Lange, American Horror Story

Sam Lothridge/FX

So are there any freaks left alive?

The answer is…barely. That finale was a pretty major bloodbath, to say the least. 

The freak show's new owner Dandy first attempted to tell the freaks that they were boring and no longer interesting to audiences. He offered to give Paul some horns, so the freaks sent him flying to the ground with a bloody nose before telling him they're quitting the show.

Obviously, a guy like Dandy not going to stand for that, so he puts on some stylish lipstick and a little eyeliner before taking his handgun on a little trip through the camp. Paul the Illustrated Seal was the first to get a bullet through his brain, and Penny followed soon after, along with every single other freak minus Jimmy and Desiree, who then found their dead friends laid out like a perverse red carpet leading up to the stage, where Penny was propped up against the microphone.

The next order of business was obviously getting married to Bette, who, along with her sister Dot, was also not dead. Their wedding was weird, to say the least, since the vows were immediately followed by a discussion of whether Dot would participate in their sexy time. Then, it was dinner time. And what was for dinner? Revenge!

With some help from Des and Jimmy, Bette and Dot drugged Dandy, stripped off his clothes, and put him in a tank that quickly filled with water. 

"You are the biggest freak of them all," says Desiree.  

"We will always defend each other," Jimmy says, restating what seems to be the theme of this show, "The freaks shall inherit the earth."

Meanwhile, Dandy's still trying to convince Bette they can make their marriage work. Ummmm, not likely.

Des, Jimmy, and the twins sat back with popcorn and watched as Dandy drowned. At least he looked pretty (awful) while he did it.

Meanwhile, Elsa's actually found success in Hollywood. She managed to procure her own variety show and a husband, played by David Burtka and she and the doctor (Danny Huston) still hang out and talk about running away together sometimes. She's a big star, but she makes a big to-do about never performing on Halloween. That's when her boss reveals some bad news: the Times has found her snuff film, and they know about the freak show. They also know about the mass grave containing all of the former freak show performers, so they're buying her out of her contract.

"I changed my mind," Elsa says, "I will perform on Halloween. Might as well go out with a bang."

And so she does. It's not good, as usual. We don't actually know how she got that variety show, but whatever. Edward Mordrake shows up with his dead freak friends and allows Elsa her suicide, but he won't take her with him. Instead, she ends up back in some sort of heavenly version of her freak show, with all of her dead freak friends. Ma Petite greets her and says they've missed her, and Ethel tells her she needs to get her face on. This is actually the sweetest ending Elsa could have possibly gotten, so A+.

But that wasn't even the sweetest part: the remaining living freaks were watching Elsa's final performance, and they were not alone. Desiree now has a husband and children, and Jimmy has apparently gotten Bette and Dot pregnant, and they all seem happy and healthy and no longer in the presence of constant murder, which is definitely a vast improvement.

All in all, we have no idea what happened this season except for a lot of death and some weird musical performances. Neil Patrick Harris was there at some point, but we barely paid attention because we don't like creepy dolls. As Desiree said about Dandy, Finn Wittrock is clearly a star. You kind of have to be in order to make Dandy as mesmerizingly awful as he did. Remember when we were all freaking out about Twisty? We were so young then, so naïve. And now we're so glad this is done. Onto the next season! 

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