Ranking the Best and Worst Ways to Die in the Original Oregon Trail

Dying from dysentery? Legendary! Dying from a broken arm? Lame…

By Jenna Mullins Jan 07, 2015 11:16 PMTags
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Hey, did you hear? You can now play original MS-DOS games online, for free! We just had a rousing round of Where in the World is Carmen San Diego? and we've been promoted to Sleuth. Take that, anyone who said we'd never accomplish anything in life!

But obviously people are mostly excited at the chance to play a cornerstone from their childhood: Oregon Trail. And that is why we found it fitting to rank all the ways you and your wagon party will probably die during your journey.

Caulk your wagons, y'all and check out our death rankings, from worst to best:

10. Broken arm

Seriously? You fell down, broke your arm and died?! We are leaving Nickelback lyrics on your tombstone for your stupidity.

9. Broken Leg

This one is slightly less terrible than a broken arm because you can't walk when this happens. But still, make a crutch out of a branch of something.

8. Exhaustion

You're tired? Take a nap!

7. Cholera

This disease comes shooting out from both ends. The least glamorous of all the diseases in Oregon Trail, by far.

6. Typhoid 

Another disease that comes with gastric distress. Can you imagine getting this while you're stuck in a covered wagon with four other people? Nope to that.

5. Snakebite

This obviously is a legitimate death, but still it sucks to be taken down by something you can just step on.

4. Fever

A fever means your body is fighting an infection, and if you die from said fever it means your body didn't do a good enough job and kind of gave up on you. That's pretty sad.

3. Drowning

This death sucks only if you could have avoided it by just loosening up the purse strings. Just pay the money to have someone take you across the river! Timmy died because you didn't want to pay the 30 cents! Well, at least you have one less mouth to feed so maybe this was your plan all along, huh?!

2. Measles

When you go out with measles, you go out with spots, which is sort of cool.

1. Dysentery

The best. The classic. You can get this on a T-shirt. People are proud to go out like this.

Good luck out there, explorers!