ABC/Rick RowellOur favorite guilty pleasure is back, whether we wanted it or not. We sometimes tell people we watch because we have to, but realistically, we've been so psyched for this premiere for months. It's time to settle down and watch as a whole bunch of women make great fools of themselves in the name of fame and also some guy! Quality television!
Chris Soules seems like a great dude, but he's got to realize it's not going to be the easiest task in the world to find a super cool lady who's willing to move to middle-of-cornfield Iowa for the rest of her life, and that's coming from a lady who grew up in middle-of-cornfield Illinois. It's a commitment to a very quiet kind of existence, to say the least.
That difficulty isn't going to be helped by the fact that it seems that there are a lot of crazies in that group of 30(!) women that Chris gets to choose from. That's right – there were 30 girls in total, as opposed to the usual 25, and that fact sent the mansion into complete chaos as more and more limos kept arriving. You would have thought that more contestants was just the absolute end of the world based on the way these women (and the pre-commercial previews) were acting.
Fortunately for us, more women means more people to cruelly make fun of as they proactively search for love and we sit alone at our desks eating entire pints of ice cream, so of course we ranked the top crazies of the night in terms of how totally insane they acted in their first few moments with Chris "Hot Farmer Boy" Soules. We didn't rank all the ladies, because we lost track of some of them. 30 is a lot. So sorry. Anyway, here are our top 6 crazies from The Bachelor, night 1:
6. Kaitlyn
Now when we say crazy in this case, we mean it in the best way possible. We're fans. She came right out of the gate with a dirty farmer joke, and later followed it up with a joke about a pervy walrus that either stunned or confused nearly all of the other ladies. Chris might have also been confused, since he also didn't seem to get the first joke. We applaud her, and now think they should make Bachelor-type shows for BFFs because we want to be hers.
5. Kimberly
Sorry Kimberly, we forgot to pay attention to you until you decided to defy the power of the rose ceremony and go back inside to try to change Chris' mind. We'll have to wait until next week to see how that goes, but we're going to guess it doesn't go incredibly well for you.
4. Reegan
We just would not have chosen to greet Chris with a cooler containing a human heart. "It's a joke!" the cadaver tissue saleswoman said cheerfully. "Sure, if you're a serial killer," Chris's eyes and our mouths responded fearfully, and it made sense when she didn't receive a rose.
3. Tara
Tara, Tara, Tara. What are we going to do with you? Girl arrived in cowboy boots and shorts to show Chris the "real" her, and then crept back into the limo to meet Chris again, but in a fancy dress. It was a dangerous move that could have gone wrong, but Tara didn't actually go wrong until she started drinking…a lot. She was so drunk at the rose ceremony that Chris had to walk out to talk to Chris Harrison about whether he should eliminate her or not. He eventually went with "not," much to the chagrin of the other, non-drunk girls.
2. Amanda
Amanda – the ballet teacher who lives at home so her mother will do all the cooking and bill-paying – would totally have hit number one, but at least she realized that her "eye contact" was really more like creepy staring. She did not, however, seem to question her decision to not let Chris see her face at first so she could be his secret admirer. She revealed herself just a little while later, and no one actually cared. She also admitted she was "f---ing crazy" in her taped interview, so she put herself on this list. We weren't exactly surprised when she ended up walking away without a rose.
1. Ashley S.
This chick is officially our favorite crazy. We don't even know what to make of her, but watching her attempt to give another girl a yellow rose to give up her time with Chris was only almost as fun as watching her ramble about an onion that turned out to be a pomegranate, which she then plucked off of the bush to later eat or perhaps put in Chris' shoe along with her lucky penny. Color us confused when she received Chris' 22nd and final rose of the night, though we guess he was not there to witness the whole onion/pomegranate fiasco, so he does not yet know the full depth of her crazy. Hopefully, he will learn, and hopefully, it will be hilarious.
As for someone who doesn't seem crazy, we actually cheered when Chris gave his first impression rose to Britt. She was the first girl who was introduced and she quickly became our favorite of the night, right down to the "free hug from Britt" coupon she handed to Chris upon arrival.
As for Chris himself, the guy was totally dumbstruck by the number of beautiful women around him, based on the way his responses to meeting the women slowly became more and more like cartoon sounds than actual words. At one point he wished he were a polygamist and seemed truly astounded by this "all-star team of women." We'll see if he can even handle being the star of this show, because tonight was a little bit of a rough start – even if we enjoyed every single soul-crushing moment of it.